So...orientation (But this isnt anything sexual)

centerfielder08's picture

Today went to college orientation.

I only talked with the dudes there. And when I did, I noticed I've been lowering my voice. And saying less and things that are less associated with girls.

I texted a guy friend of mine "Its cold as balls." (meaning outside). That's the first time I've said that.

Oh and I need to tell you about the rest of today...
so this is going to sound weird, so AWKWARDALERT ahead of time. But today, i really had to go to the bathroom and I ended up not going ...blahblahblah dysphoria.

Anywayyyy...so I went to uh, you know, do a crotch grab (okay, sure I was in public but I was really thinking I was a guy, I've pretty much convinced myself of that by now). But then it hit me that there was nothing there. And I was suddenly very aware that there was nothing there...it was empty. I've barely ever felt that before.

And besides that, I didn't go to the bathroom for what, maybe 7ish hours after I got up. I don't want a dick, truthfully, but I don't like having THIS either.

So I put on a name tag at orientation and I pull my full birth name. I thought right after that how maybe I should've put "Eli" but its a good thing I didn't because then my mom came to the mandatory orientation dinner and I sat with some of the other people. You think I could've passed?

I WAnT TO GO TO A GUY'S RESTROOM. But I don't want to be arrested. I don't know the rules, laws if you will, in my state.

Oh and I talked about dysphoria in therapy. It was scary. And i did this ridiculous chart, why did I do that? It rose my levels of shame.

Blarg, I know not to ramble. I'll go now.'

Eli.

Comments

funnyflyby's picture

Yayyyy!

Not about anything in the journal, but that you're on. Generally you're on sometime in the middle of the day (well, for me, anyway). Sorry.
Awww.... no bathroom-going? That is ungood. Ungood, yes. Ungood.
I apologize if this is insensitive but... what was the chart about?
Sorry... I'll have to get used to it now that you're really doing things...
*hugs*
AAAH! I had to enter a CAPTCHA!!! Oh, must be for the Aww.w.
Wow.woW

MacAvity's picture

I've forsworn segregated

I've forsworn segregated restrooms. This means I can't go at school. But so far it's worked okay. So far being, what, two days.

The crotch-grab thing has happened to me a couple of times, too. I've reached down to scratch something that proved to not be there. Other times I've been met with exactly what I expected - it varies.

funnyflyby's picture

Huh.

I should foreswear segregated restrooms... that seems like the kind of thing I'd do. I mean, if this were a book and I was a character, I (as the reader) would expect me (as the character) to be a person who would do that. I have thought of it before...
On a completely irrelevant note, OH! My dad smells awful! The guy just burst into my room, told me, 'You'd better eat real food here or you're never going over to Jayjay's house again because your mother will use the fact that you only ever eat tiny bowls of cereal here and sometimes not even that against me in court!'
Yes, that's how my father talks. Anyway, because I'm not paid attention to, the fact that I leaned over the Dsi and blocked the screens with my arms went completely unnoticed... and now my room smells like a combo of pesto, sweat, alchohol, and humus. All of which I hate... except sometimes pesto.
Wow! Random! Gaaah! I ramble!
Wow.woW

loreonpravus's picture

I don't mind having to use

I don't mind having to use the women's ones... if there were a sign over a washroom saying "Narqkwlefarbs" I'd jump and use that one. I just hate the women in them, and their scrutinizing eyes trying to decipher if I'm in the right one. The fact that it's a washroom for girls doesn't bother me, I just need a place to do my business.

arata13's picture

Nice!~ ^.^

College Orientation. You officially get +100 points in my book.
Why didn't you just put Eli in a place that wasn't really noticeable but still could be seen? You mom probably would've seen it though.... XD

Yeah I do think you could've passed though.

(I apologize if this is insensitive but... what was the chart about?) *wants to know this as well*

(jumping around again. XD)

"I noticed I've been lowering my voice. And saying less and things that are less associated with girls." *does the exact opposite.... but you could've figured that out... XD*

also risk of being arrested = not worth it in my book....

centerfielder08's picture

Funnyflyby---THANKS! Yeah,

Funnyflyby---THANKS! Yeah, today I wasn't on just because of orientation. But, no worries, I set up my classes so I have one every morning and then one Wednesday night and one Thursday night. So on afternoons....welcome to Oasis for me. :p. or oasisizing as you say.
*hugs*

MacAvity--Its so confusing , it not being there. I know, right?!

Arata13--- aww, thanks for the 100+ points. I took off the name tag before my Mom was there, it was more that I would be afraid if they said "Eli, Eli" to get my attention. (it would be a problem if my Mom was there). I wonder if there are other things I could do to assist in my passing? I've never truly tried. I tried to pass the other day but it wasn't liike someoone called me male or female.
Aw, and thanks for the jumping around..
:D Yes, the voice thing :D .
agreed, bout the arresting thing. wouldnt that be an awfully terrible way for my parents to find out? heheh.

This chart...it was different columns...one was Emotions, next Events (prompting the emotions), Emotion's function (why we had that emotion/what we did with the emotion), Opposite emotion, and was the emotion justified? One of mine for example: Confusion (emotion), had to go to the bathroom (event), didn't end up going to the bathroom (emotion's function), then the opposite emotion was what we could've done to combat that emotion and whether or not our original emotion was justified. Make sense? I wanted to yell the emotion (we had to read our whole chart aloud): DYSPHORIA (because someone else said euphoria was an emotion). But I held back.

I'm afraid that since this has been taking me so long to post, that there'll be someone else who will have posted and then it will seem like I didn't respond to him/her/hir.

Oh I should write about what I read at the library. Or maybe how during the dinner tonight, they were talking about the "Man or woman" we'll each grow up to be. why must a person decide?

funnyflyby's picture

Bah.

I'll just grow up to be a more mature and possibly slightly taller gajindiak ;)
How 'bout the PEOPLE, or the ADULTS we'll each grow up to be? It's shorter, anyway. And if there's anything I know for sure about this species, it's that it (meaning we) certainly will always take the shorter, easier way. Hence 'bus' instead of 'omnibus'. (See, MacAvity? I'm passing along my new knowledge!)
Wow.woW