Today went to college orientation.
I only talked with the dudes there. And when I did, I noticed I've been lowering my voice. And saying less and things that are less associated with girls.
I texted a guy friend of mine "Its cold as balls." (meaning outside). That's the first time I've said that.
Oh and I need to tell you about the rest of today...
so this is going to sound weird, so AWKWARDALERT ahead of time. But today, i really had to go to the bathroom and I ended up not going ...blahblahblah dysphoria.
Anywayyyy...so I went to uh, you know, do a crotch grab (okay, sure I was in public but I was really thinking I was a guy, I've pretty much convinced myself of that by now). But then it hit me that there was nothing there. And I was suddenly very aware that there was nothing there...it was empty. I've barely ever felt that before.
And besides that, I didn't go to the bathroom for what, maybe 7ish hours after I got up. I don't want a dick, truthfully, but I don't like having THIS either.
So I put on a name tag at orientation and I pull my full birth name. I thought right after that how maybe I should've put "Eli" but its a good thing I didn't because then my mom came to the mandatory orientation dinner and I sat with some of the other people. You think I could've passed?
I WAnT TO GO TO A GUY'S RESTROOM. But I don't want to be arrested. I don't know the rules, laws if you will, in my state.
Oh and I talked about dysphoria in therapy. It was scary. And i did this ridiculous chart, why did I do that? It rose my levels of shame.
Blarg, I know not to ramble. I'll go now.'