Sometimes, when things progress, I wish they wouldn't

centerfielder08's picture

Sometimes, when things in my life start to progress, I start to wish they wouldn't.

So my ftm, trans friend, well I emailed him all the information about what size, style, color, quantity of the binder. He's buying it tonight. And sending it to his house and i'll pay him back. I'm so excited that I'll finally be able to wear a v-neck shirt. But I must admit, I'm also a little bit nervous.

As much as I'm glad to have things moving along, I also tend to cower when I begin to sense a commitment ahead. Such as this. When I see that there's more expected of me, I want to hide. I don't want to have to go through coming out to my parents, so please don't push me to do that.

I am very much afraid of doing this, but what I want to do tomorrow is call the person from therapy, the one that worked at a gender clinic nearby, and say to her "I'm not ready to tell my parents, I'm nervous, I don't know what I'm doing. But I ordered a chest binder." I want to say more. About how I just want to talk about things. but I'm sort of scared to say that to her.

OH, and sorry to those of you who had asked me to write more about the dialogue or whatever when I came out to that person at therapy. Just, I needed some sort of guide of what you all wanted me to expand upon.

Talk soon.
Commentions welcome.

~Eli.

Comments

MacAvity's picture

I get what you mean about

I get what you mean about being scared of progress. Good for you going ahead with it anyway - I know usually when I'm scared I chicken out of doing anything at all.

I don't understand about the v-neck shirt - Wouldn't the binder show through it just as much as your body or an undershirt would have before?

funnyflyby's picture

Yeah... I kinda know what you mean...

about the whole 'things are happening that I WANT to happen but... not yet.' deal. Yeah...
THE FLYBY OF FUNNINESS IS HERE FOR THE CENTERFIELDER OF 08NESS! DananaNA!
Sorry. I'm feeling kind of hyper... good for you about the binder, though.
See, I wanted to comment and didn't really know exactly what I wanted to say. This is the result.
Wow.woW

centerfielder08's picture

MacAvity--good point, i'll

MacAvity--good point, i'll have to see. But the thing is it would make me flat. Though, come to think of it...you may be right, it'll probably show through.

Thanks, funnyflyby.

Oh, and I want to ask / tell that woman at therapy about my binder because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what it'll do to my breathing. I'm scared. And I know I can go to the gender clinic, but the problem is that I can't get there without telling my parents and I don't want to do that. I'm afraid and scared. And I don't know how to show someone that.

Most people don't get scared when they think about gender. I do. I want to open up to someone about it but I haven't found someone, anyone who's willing to sit and listen. I just want to talk without being confined to having to go to gender-related therapy and giving up my current mode of therapy for that. So until all my mood, anxiety, etc is "fixed" or at least subdued a little bit, then I can't go to gender therapy. But I want someone to listen. I want this dialogue. How do I open up for this? How do I tell her this? Can I?

Or is this another unrealistic fantasy...story of my life.

Riku's picture

Hmm. Don't push yourself to

Hmm.

Don't push yourself to do something that you're not ready to do. It's okay if you take your time coming out to your parents.

Also, I wore a binder and told my mom that I wanted top surgery and she was still surprised when I came out to her as trans couple of months later. I think people just don't think of that stuff until it happens inside of 'their world' of friends and family and whatnot.

funnyflyby's picture

Um... your mom was still surprised?

Oh-kay...
And yes about the 'their world' thing...
An-y-way, Eli, maybe we'll just have eveybody on Oasis learn how to be a gender therapst. Sorry, that sounds really obnoxious, but it's just what popped into my head... gah, I wish I could help by doing more than just commenting and PMing.
Wow.woW

SydCybertronian's picture

'Most people don't get

'Most people don't get scared when they think of gender' my right buttock. (at least for me) I'm scared half to death whenever I think of my gender. I start to feel alone, I want someone to comfort me and commiserate with me, and just HELP ME. And it's SO FRUSTRATING, because the only person I've told so far is my therapist/psychologist and I don't see her IN TWO WEEKS. GAH!

Sorry for letting that all out on you. I'm feeling bad right now. I understand, about the 'wanting to talk to other people' thing and being afraid to. Again, sorry!

centerfielder08's picture

Don't feel bad. That's

Don't feel bad. That's exactly the way I feel, too.

MacAvity's picture

'Most people don't get

'Most people don't get scared when they think of gender' - Um. Yeah. Most people are perfectly cisgendered and don't think about gender, really, much, at all, and when they do only do so to wonder why the opposite gender is so weird. People who aren't perfectly cisgendered (id est, everyone who has commented here so far), I expect, think about gender far more and think about it with far more fear. I know I do.

funnyflyby's picture

I'd agree on that...

Gender certainly scares me...
Wow.woW