For one telling my family, (again), wasnt a choice i really had to make, because someone else decided to make it for me. Its almost as if my whole coming out experience was dictated by other dramatic, gossipy, nieve people.
anyway. its 8th grade, the day of a huge rivalry basketball game. 9th hour the counslers call me down to their office, and check my wrists and calves, when they find scars i know im effed. I told them that i am gay and had a hard time coming out, so tested different ways to cope with emotion. I lied about how much i regret cutting and how much i know it didnt work. I asked them to please not call my parents, that id tell them tonight on my own. They trusted me for some reason and sent me back to class.
So im crying, kowing i have to tell my parents i hurt myself, and haveing to make up a reason, great.
During my basketball game the 'haveing to make up a reason' problem was solved for me. because these two parents. (these two gossipy, horrible, big mouthed, parents who have always been the ones to talk about everyone and make sure others knew anything trashy about somone else.. god forbid they keep a secret) anyway these parents (lets call them the morrison's) The morrisons were walking around at my game (they had a daughter on the opposing team)and i noticed them moving alot during my game, i could have sworn they were pointing at me but i wasnt sure and thought it was all in my head.
ha...It wasnt. they were pointing at me. and what were they saying to all those parents? "did you hear that cara is gay?"
How do i know they were saying this? Well after the game my really close friend's mom walked up to me, and sympathized with me in saying "hey hunny i herd" and i freak.. im thinking 'omg she knows i cut, how the hell did she hear about that!?' i try and play it cool anyhow and ask playfully 'about what?'. She leans into my ear and says "that your gay love" and gave me a huge hug. This should have been comforting, finally someone that loves me even though im gay, finally someone to acccept me and not just tolerate me. But no it wasnt comforting. because up until this point my parents did not know i was gay. I begged her not to tell my parets. She informed me with a very dark truth: if i didnt tell them soon theyd find out through someone else..
so that was where it all started to go downhill.. That night i told my dad i had been cutting (but didnt tell him why). He went off and drank, came home mad as hell, i didnt sleep.
The next morning i couldnt do it anymore i was too terrified of them finding out through another person, so i told my mom.. I walked into her room balling my eyes out. She hugged me asked me what was wrong, i was sobbing in her shoulder and told her that i like girls. She instantly released me, looked at me in discust, and left the room. She yelled as i was walking out the door for school "dont bother coming home", that night i slept at a friends.
I went back home the next day after school, my dad thought it was funny "atleast you cant get pregnant" and my mom was depressed. I ruined her perfect family. I, being the oldest daughter would be the first for everything, and now everything i do, the life i live, wont be normal or worthy in her eyes. I understand how much ive dissapointed her. But being reminded of it almost daily isnt okay. Being just tolerated isnt okay. Its not like i walk around flaunting my sexuality with my parents, i keep it very private.. I want to be loved and accepted again in my house. since that will never happen, im glad i have college to look forward to.
If anyone is reading this and they havent come out, dont let this scare you, i was really young and i have VERY small minded parents. But its better for them to know the truth regaurdless of how their minds reel. Its a huge weight off your shoulders even if they dont like it. Comeing out is a good thing, you just need to be ready and know how you are going to do it. I wish i didnt feel pressured into it, it probley would have went alot better for me if i would have stayed a bit more level headed.