You Said The Words that Make Me Think You Get It

centerfielder08's picture

Yesterday at therapy, I was talking to my therapist about how when I look at pictures of my younger self, it makes me sad and really envious of that person. She asked me why. And I said how put together that girl looks and how that was before I started therapy, before I had really started to think for myself, how back then I was just a talking box of my parents as I think many kids are until middle-school-ish age and how I look good in those pictures but now I take a picture of myself and I hate it. I look in the mirror and I feel no connection to the girl that stares back at me. Even in the tall glass windows of Downtown stores' at my reflection, I seem distant and unattached from myself.

I left out the part about how I hate to look down and see these things on my chest.

And then she said that those pictures, that was back before I questioned my gender and then she asked "Am I right?" I wanted to hug what she said, hold onto those words and never let go. Even if just a few sentences, she seemed to understand, to get it.

I went on to say how back then, that's before any child knows what gender is for him/her/hirself, let alone Little Ol' Confused Me. And then I told her what I do when I see myself in a mirror, or rather, what I say--the names I call myself. And she said that its because of my gender. And I almost nodded though not really because I was struck with this feeling where maybe someone gets it...finally.

And she then said how it makes sense what I do in the mirror because since I don't match my sex, what else am I to do/to say/to think to myself? How else am I supposed to act? Basically, she gave me a license to be uncertain and to feel uneasy about all of this. And she said, "(Insert GIRL name here), if you don't feel like you're the right gender, of course that would make you feel unsure about things."

Now, let me add that I hate words like of course and obviously just because when something is not understood and someone says "Oh, well, it was obviously brown," then its like they're saying they don't think you understand. Something inferior, I guess. Anyway, when she said that, I just sort of tagged onto what she said and responded with, "YES! Exactly!" I probably made her heart jump a few beats with my quick moment of excitement that I had just lapsed into, but then I hushed to a regular tone, and continued on, "I just, I look in the mirror and I don't *feel* like that person. Or I take a picture of myself from recently and I look at it and I just can't connect to that girl in the picture. It doesn't feel like me. I feel like I don't look how I'm supposed to."

Those were the words I haven't let anybody in close enough to hear. I know I trust easy, but those are words I've never said. And talking to her about it made it feel so right, in a way that must've been wrong because usually things that feel so right are so wrong.

So I'll say it again. Because I know there are others of you out there, whether logged in on Oasis or just lurking as a guest (I have no judgments because I did the same for months before I logged in). I don't look the way I'm supposed to.

Its like I've been running on triple A (AAA) batteries this whole time and in fact I need double A (AA).

I'm a guy. End of story.

Next Thursday, by the way, is when I start my new group. I have mentioned in my intake interview with my new therapist (frustratingly, I have to switch again), about some of my gender issues.

I don't know what I classify because it seems to change by the minute. Or one minute I accept it, the next minute I don't.

Right now I'm accepting of myself because I realized the other day that at the end of the day, I'm the one who has to live with myself, so I might as well do that with the least amount of misery possible (though sometimes, I admit, I'm not so easily jumping onto this bandwagon).

Cheers. Over and out,


Invictus's picture

Eli, I'm really happy you're

I'm really happy you're starting to sort through all of this and that you're beginning to find people who understand (at least somewhat) how you feel. On those crappy days where you question yourself and what you want, remember it is a process. A process where you'll discover more about yourself than you ever though possible and in the end it'll all be worth it. When you look down and see your body and feel hate, anger or shame just realize things can and will get better.

How's the new binder workin for yah?

whateversexual_llama's picture

that story was lovely to

that story was lovely to read first thing in the morning. I'm so happy for you. ^^

whateversexual_llama's picture

that story was lovely to

that story was lovely to read first thing in the morning. I'm so happy for you. ^^

Punkish Insanity's picture

I'm glad everything's going

I'm glad everything's going better, or it's getting there eli =DD

~ It's a cosmic joke that I'm a lesbian, because I understand men so well but women are a complete mystery to me.

centerfielder08's picture

Invictus--Thank you very,

Invictus--Thank you very, very much.

I'm actually in a bit of a sticky situation with the binder. See, its a size XS and its a little big, in that it doesn't bind unless I have two layers over top of it. I'm trying to figure out if I should put it in the dryer (which is supposed to be a big no-no because it shrinks it)...?

Whateversexual_llama--Aww...thanks so much ^_^. I'm happy I could help make your morning happy.

Punkish Insanity-- :) Thanks :). So nice to hear from you.

funnyflyby's picture

Well, oops.

I thought I'd commented... but apparently it didn't post. Oops.
Anyway, I liked reading it... and I know what you mean about the pictures... I'll flip through a photo album, see a picture of me at age like 9 and think, 'What happened to that little kid?'
:) A Smiley For Eli.