Yesterday at therapy, I was talking to my therapist about how when I look at pictures of my younger self, it makes me sad and really envious of that person. She asked me why. And I said how put together that girl looks and how that was before I started therapy, before I had really started to think for myself, how back then I was just a talking box of my parents as I think many kids are until middle-school-ish age and how I look good in those pictures but now I take a picture of myself and I hate it. I look in the mirror and I feel no connection to the girl that stares back at me. Even in the tall glass windows of Downtown stores' at my reflection, I seem distant and unattached from myself.
I left out the part about how I hate to look down and see these things on my chest.
And then she said that those pictures, that was back before I questioned my gender and then she asked "Am I right?" I wanted to hug what she said, hold onto those words and never let go. Even if just a few sentences, she seemed to understand, to get it.
I went on to say how back then, that's before any child knows what gender is for him/her/hirself, let alone Little Ol' Confused Me. And then I told her what I do when I see myself in a mirror, or rather, what I say--the names I call myself. And she said that its because of my gender. And I almost nodded though not really because I was struck with this feeling where maybe someone gets it...finally.
And she then said how it makes sense what I do in the mirror because since I don't match my sex, what else am I to do/to say/to think to myself? How else am I supposed to act? Basically, she gave me a license to be uncertain and to feel uneasy about all of this. And she said, "(Insert GIRL name here), if you don't feel like you're the right gender, of course that would make you feel unsure about things."
Now, let me add that I hate words like of course and obviously just because when something is not understood and someone says "Oh, well, it was obviously brown," then its like they're saying they don't think you understand. Something inferior, I guess. Anyway, when she said that, I just sort of tagged onto what she said and responded with, "YES! Exactly!" I probably made her heart jump a few beats with my quick moment of excitement that I had just lapsed into, but then I hushed to a regular tone, and continued on, "I just, I look in the mirror and I don't *feel* like that person. Or I take a picture of myself from recently and I look at it and I just can't connect to that girl in the picture. It doesn't feel like me. I feel like I don't look how I'm supposed to."
Those were the words I haven't let anybody in close enough to hear. I know I trust easy, but those are words I've never said. And talking to her about it made it feel so right, in a way that must've been wrong because usually things that feel so right are so wrong.
So I'll say it again. Because I know there are others of you out there, whether logged in on Oasis or just lurking as a guest (I have no judgments because I did the same for months before I logged in). I don't look the way I'm supposed to.
Its like I've been running on triple A (AAA) batteries this whole time and in fact I need double A (AA).
I'm a guy. End of story.
Next Thursday, by the way, is when I start my new group. I have mentioned in my intake interview with my new therapist (frustratingly, I have to switch again), about some of my gender issues.
I don't know what I classify because it seems to change by the minute. Or one minute I accept it, the next minute I don't.
Right now I'm accepting of myself because I realized the other day that at the end of the day, I'm the one who has to live with myself, so I might as well do that with the least amount of misery possible (though sometimes, I admit, I'm not so easily jumping onto this bandwagon).
Cheers. Over and out,