I just don't know about life sometimes.
I was closeted last year, for the first time in five years. I was abroad in one of the most conservative and traditional cities in India. I told myself, I won't let my queerness stop me from going and seeing what I will! I refuse to be limited!
I was closeted last year, and I moved to Smallcity India worried that I would lose myself. I had no idea what would happen to me, putting myself back in there. I came to India feeling Oppressed, knowing that So Many People in America Hate Me Just Because I'm Me, Doesn't That Suck? I had mostly given myself my own shit for being queer when I was a teenager; hadn't gotten more than a tidbit of crap from anyone else. I didn't really have a lot to complain about, but there were my feelings all the same.
Then I got there, and everyone wanted to know if I had any children yet, and when I was getting married. No, and I'm marrying after my studies. I knew no women that went out on their own without accompaniment or at least covering their head. A guy rode on his bike behind my rickshaw, jerking off and making grotesque faces. A four-year-old catcalled me. A crew of ten-year-old-boys danced around me, saying "Crazy Girl, Crazy Girl, Crazy Girl!" Everyone asked me for money. And I had been worried about my queer identity? Being a woman was the hard thing. No one was queer here. Sure, there was the attraction, but not the social category. So, celibacy. Hasn't been a huge problem yet, given the astronomical number of people I've dated.
I have since realized that it sucks more to be married to a drunkard that beats you, especially if you'd rather kiss a girl but have no publicly-acknowledged context for pursuing that. I have also realized that expressions of queerness in this country are just that--societally located expressions, with their own meanings for sure, but not the be-all end-all of orientation. This helped me feel less Smith pressure to Fit In To The Queer Mold.
In October of my junior year, my queer identity popped. I haven't seen that bubble return, although I still know my orientation. A month earlier, less than a month into my nine months in India, I paced around my room, trapped. Six months in, I broke down completely. I couldn't be a Good Hindu Girl, I couldn't anymore! Finally I started to make friends, finally started to have a good time and adjust. And then my year was over.
I am falling for a guy friend of mine I've known for five years. I haven't fallen for a guy since I was fourteen, which was--wait, seven years ago! And then I didn't think about sex, really; I was pretty innocent. Now I'm like, sex, what, penis? (Full disclosure: I've never slept with anyone at all, but penises seem more alien to me.) And I haven't told him I'm dying inside for him. I talked with him for two hours today, and I love talking to him. I heard him mumble something as we were discussing pheromones, just in theory, you know, and I can't tell what it was. I think I heard, "No offense, but you're smelly." That can't have been it, though! That would have been a strange thing to say, because I shower.
What is going on with my life? Who am I? Am I a Good Hindu Girl? How does one make out when there are no breasts--is foreplay just a lot faster? Am I capable of sucking cock? Does said owner of said cock think I'm smelly? Do I really have to talk to all those arrogant, asshole men once I graduate, instead of choosing only the nice ones to let into MY space? Do I avoid men because I'm at a women's college and so they're easy to avoid or because the majority were such assholes in India, or because I've realized that so many of them are domineering in America or... who knows? Since I'm not a lesbian, and I have always told me this, what does this make me if I crush on a guy? A man-hating Kinsey-scale-5 with sometimes-genderqueer leanings, attempting to love a guy? It's just--I'm so used to fantasizing about women at this point. It just seems normal, sensible, safe, beautiful, home. Throwing a penis in there, even a penis of someone I like very much, kind of makes things different. No! I refuse to have an identity crisis! Impossible!
On another note, I got a new bra for the first time in at least three if not five years. This is because my friend earlier had asked me if I was wearing a bra when I was. It cost too much money and it was the only one in the store that fit--apparently I'm three sizes bigger than I thought. It is red and lacy, but it was the only one that fit. The weird thing is is it has this strange effect on me. Wearing this bra makes me feel sexy a lot of the time, and makes me want to go and buy more feminine clothing, and learn what this whole hair styling thing is about.
I am, perhaps, confused.