I need to get this out.

funnyflyby's picture

I won't delete this like the others.
I'm sorry I haven't been online much.
I don't know who I am or what I'm doing.
In life… what's the goal?
My t is less than one. I'm just a hindrace to the world.
I want a therapist. But that wouldn't work, because I'd always be worrying about what gaj'd think, what it could mean for my life.
I'm sick of worrying about my life.
It's getting to me. I feel like I have too much responsibility, and I don't. It's nothing compared to others. What right do I have to complain?
I almost cut myself 1/2 hr ago. Almost. My dad walked in the room and I lost my nerve.
I wouldn't have done it. I'm too much of a coward to do anything.
That's why I'm at my dad's house: I'm too scared to bust out. I provide myself excuses but really- they don't even fool me.
I hate gender. Mood swings? Nah. Genderswings. I feel so awkward and hateful and- dysphoria.
Jayjay and I aren't the same. We're growing apart. Jj is probably blaming one of us. It's neither of us. A bond formed in fourth grade over a schoolbus ride is nothing now.
I hate this stupid closet. WHAT THE HELL, I WANT TO COME OUT! But… as what? I don't even know. I call myself bi. Why? It's so rare for me to be attracted to a male… might I just be pretty-much-gay? Butthengenderandstuffandwhateverditchgajindiakandwhattheheckcantibemaybetransbutnotallthetimeandblahhhhhhhh
And then there's age. Nobodywill takea13yearoldseriously. I keep telling myself to waiiit… but why.
When I write journals like this theydon't get posted or even written outside my head.
I'm usually more put together on this site.
I don't know who I am. That's what it comes down to. Identity, personality- is all a person can have. I'm without that. It's too fluid.
who am i…
whats my life for…
Eli, I know I didn't PM back. Sorry.
Jayjay, I'm a horrible friend. Sorry.
Shneer, Other, Clueless, Gennifer- None of you know me. Sorryfor calling you friends when you know so little of me.
What's a friend?
Who/what am I?

Comments

centerfielder08's picture

Its okay, its okay,

Its okay, its okay, Flyby.
I'm here for you. *rainbowsy hugs*

I know a llot of this pain. I'm here if you want to talk about it, any of it. Can you perhaps use the butterfly project for the cutting? Or drawing the smileys?

I know getting a therapist is scary and hard and I often worry about what mine thinks, but sometimes its benefits outweigh the drawbacks.

No matter what, I'm here for you. I'm not going to run away from you...no matter if you don't know yourself or you do. I'm still here for the baby rainbowsy. Always and forever.
<3

funnyflyby's picture

Eli...

I love you. I just do. I'm sorry for every time I haven't been there for you as much as I should have been. I'm so full of emotion I don't know what to say. I can't see the damn keyboard because I'm crying too hard.
I don't know who I am or what I am but at least I'm a baby rainbowsy. I can hold onto that label.
If nothing else.
I haven't drawn the smileys lately. I'll do that.
My arms are now completely covered in pen. People will wonder. Whatever.
Eli, you mean more to me than anyone I've actually seen ever has.
All of Oasis does.
Eli, I love you.
Wow.woW

funnyflyby's picture

I'm sorry.

Oasians, I'm sorry for dumping my problems on you.
I'm sorry for every 0 comment journal I ever wrote.
I'm sorry about every journal I let have 0 comments.
I'm sorry for running out of room on the actual journal.
I'm sorry for not being happy, Shelby.
I'm sorry for not having adequate labels for myself.
World, everyone, etc.
I'm sorry for being lazy.
I'm sorry for watching Glee.
I'm sorry for messing up at school, the only thing I'm actually good at in the world.
I'm sorry for being an obnoxious, arrogant, biased, clueless hypocrite in denial.
I'm sorry for not accepting you, Flyby.
I'm sorry for not knowing how to stop doing anything I'm sorry about.
I'm sorry that 'I'm sorry' doesn't change anything.

Dracofangxxx's picture

Stop it.

Stop it
Stop it
Stop it
Stop it
Stop it.

Quit looking for my approval. You know why I'm so bitchy? Because I don't sugarcoat anything. I don't care if you're not happy. I don't not approve of you or disapprove. What I want you to do is approve of YOURSELF. and be comfortable in your own skin.

You can't accept your genderqueerness, the fact you can't understand what you feel, and you're pushing it on others.

I've said it before, and that is wrong.

For you to be happy, and to stop making me upset, is to just accept who you are! Accept that your own gender may be something nobody understands- And that is OKAY and you do NOT have to label it. As Jeff said, you're building your own roadblocks. Be comfortable as a person, and not worry about being a man or woman. That is a needless worry.

I will always be 100% honest with you because you remind me of myself. You're young, and trying to "Find" yourself. Stop looking. You're you, in all your glory, right at this very second, and nothing you ever say or do can change who you are inside.

You are you! You can never change that! The second you stop questioning it, is the second it will become clear.

And yeah, I'm sorry won't change anything.
Some problems you can solve on your own. You're growing up now and others won't do it for you.

Instead of getting protective, think about what I said.

funnyflyby's picture

Oh, Shelby.

I am kind of at a loss as to how to respond to you. It's great how honest you are, though it can be somewhat wounding... thanks. I am seriously not going to start talking about gender with you again right now, but I do see your point(s). I'm trying to accept myself, stop questioning, etc., but it's hard. I get that.
I wish it wasn't, but doesn't everyone?
So... er... thank you. Okay, now I actually am going to log off as it's 1:41. Thank you and goodbye, Oasis!
Wow.woW

centerfielder08's picture

There's no need to

There's no need to apologize...you're the best version of you there ever could be.

I love you too!

And yes, if nothing else, you will always be a baby rainbowsy.

Nobody else matters right now. All that matters is you and whatever we can do to help you get you through this, we will (or I will, at least).

and you also mean more to me than any stupid "girl"/"boy"friend ever has. you're the bestest.

whateversexual_llama's picture

I don't want to respond to

I don't want to respond to all your "I'm sorry"s, but just know that you NEVER need to apologize for who you are. There is one that I might be able to help with:

"I'm sorry for not having adequate labels for myself."
that is NOT your fault- it's the fault of the fucked up binary system we live in. You are not wrong- the world just hasn't caught up to people like you, like me, like many of the people here on oasis. I tried for a long time to be a lesbian, and that didn't fit. I'm not a girl or a boy or gay or bi or straight or anything. I'm Hilde. sometimes Charles. Sometimes not. I've picked a new label every morning for years and there is nothing wrong with that. Try your hardest to find beauty in the fluidity. Gender and sexuality are fluid. Don't let anybody convince you otherwise.

The person you are will never change. How you define yourself can and WILL change many times. It will never stop changing, just as you will never stop growing and learning. That's okay. It's beautiful.

Don't hate yourself for not fitting. Don't hate yourself for being afraid to come out- it's scary. But know that you are not alone in your not fitting and it is the not fitting that makes us all human.

You are young. That doesn't mean your feelings are illegitimate. You can come out without telling people "I am __________"
Instead, try saying "I feel like __________ sometimes."
You are not a label. No matter who gives you the label, it is not you. It never will be. No one word can explain all the wonderful fantastic nuances that make you the flyby we know and adore.

MacAvity's picture

I wish...

I wish I were having as much trouble with this as you are. So I could say, I know what you're going through, it's happening to me too, let's tough it out together.

But I can't say that. I'm in a similar situation, but I'm handling it and I hate that I'm handling it better than you. I know what it is to be a big bag of human with a t less than one and no gender and no name and no friends-beyond-a-doubt and no foreseeable future or purpose and no skeleton holding the big bag of human into any sort of shape. But I don't know how hard it is, and I hate that I don't know that. I hate that you're going through it and I hate that I don't hate that I'm going through it.

You've been a consummate friend to me, and it's time I returned the favor. I love you, Flyby, I hope you know that, and I think I know you reasonably well, and I know you know me, and even if I'm not having as much trouble with this as you, I am going through almost the same thing, and we can weather this storm together. I'm here for you.

jeff's picture

Hmm...

Sounds backwards.

Picking a label (gay, trans, bi, etc.) isn't going to sort out anything. The person you are and what you do in life don't really have much to do with your gender or sexuality.

It is way better to try and shoehorn a full personality awkwardly into a label, than expecting the reverse.

The ironic part? Labels are nearly inconsequential long-term. The last guy I hooked up with was... ? No clue. Never asked. Did he have a wife at home? How does he identify? Didn't ask. Is he gay? Bi? Don't know. Labels are only good for other people to be able to put limits on you, so no use helping them. If you're not straight, you already ruled out lining up with like 95% of society, so how much further do you need to go?

It sounds like you rather create roadblocks in life than detours. You can't come out is a roadblock, except you don't know what you want to come out as, and no one's keeping you in, so... the roadblock isn't the closet door, it's you. Also, what is coming out? You don't need to come out to everyone, you can find a youth group, you can date people without being out, you can have sex without being out, so being out? What is it preventing you from doing that you can't do anyway? Probably nothing.

Also, only live your half of relationships. If you want to know what Jayjay is thinking or doing, ask. Otherwise, focus on you. Life is enough work without playing everyone's role.

---
"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." - Kurt Cobain

funnyflyby's picture

I'm not going to use the Reply button;

or it feels like I'm being selective.
Thank you.
Through all this, I haven't been able to cry. I finally did, and it's not just out of sadness. That's mixed in, but mostly I'm crying of gratefulness.
MacAvity... I love you, too. I'd guess that together you and Eli know me better than everybody I have ever met in person combined. I'd bet everything. And one of my favorite things about you is that you're so good at knowing and telling what's going on like it is. I appreciate that you can say what you feel exactly. I wish I could do that. I wish there was a word for what I feel.
This means so much to me. You, the other Oasians- I would die for Oasis if I needed to. I would.
whateversexual_llama- don't think badly of me for not saying much, but... thank you. Just... thanks.
Eli... oh, Eli. *hugs from baby rainbowsy*
(I'm sorry if anybody else posts while I'm typing. I'll edit it ASAP.)
Choosing to register for Oasis was the single best decision I ever made. Choosing to log in tonight is second.
I love you, Oasis. I'm sorry that I don't really have a way with words right now.

Wow.woW

MacAvity's picture

Mwehhhhhhh....! Why, why

Mwehhhhhhh....! Why, why have you logged off? How can we send you hugs and sit vigil around you if you're not here? How can we huddle together in a great comfort-huddle-of-crisis-calming in a corner of cyberspace if you're not here????

funnyflyby's picture

Wha?

I didn't log off... wait, did I disappear from Users? I was here! And I am here!
Oh, and thanks, jeff. I appeciate it :) You Oasians are the best.
Seriously, though, did I vanish? Why would I do that?
Wow.woW

MacAvity's picture

Phew, you're back! Yes, you

Phew, you're back! Yes, you had disappeared. And.... now we're huddled in a corner in silence because all words have already been used but the inexpressible feelings abide...

swimmerguy's picture

Awkward now...

Going on a round in the journals, only to find I'm too late. Damn.
Well, listen to Jeff, he usually knows what, I agree with him here.

Yeah, you're not doing anyone any favors with self hate. It feels better, I know, but it sucks later...

No one escapes from life alive