I'm so freakin' embarrassed, yo!

centerfielder08's picture

I'm so freakin' embarrassed to be writing about this because I'd like to think that I don't think about this. But I need to say it, to get this out.

yesterday, at therapy, we were talking about OCD and apparently there's this really common aspect of OCD that is this fear of being gay...basically the person goes around thinking "what if I'm gay" and fearing this endlessly. I don't think that that's me because I think I know who I'm attracted to.

But then could my transness just be this form of OCD? I don't know that I'm in the WRONG body, though I don't think of myself in the *right* one. One of my therapists had told me that this could be a form of OCD but when we were talking about this yesterday, it really worried me. What if that's all this is, a figment of my imagination?

I'm not a poser and I don't want to come across like one.

I don't want trans people to hate me for this.

Comments

Punkish Insanity's picture

hey...

OCD is one of those hazy gray disorders. You can't be one hundred percent sure that someone has it, because when you start talking about sypmtoms people start to overreact and see things that aren't there, so a positive diagnosis could be hard.
I don't think that your transgenderness is a form of OCD, because from what I've read in your journals you're pretty sure of it, right? You shouldn't doubt who you know you are.

~ It's a cosmic joke that I'm a lesbian, because I understand men so well but women are a complete mystery to me.

Riku's picture

Why would anyone hate you

Why would anyone hate you for this?

This kind of thing is actually a problem for a lot of trans people, it's harder to get treatment when you've got another diagnosed disorder because the first reaction is to attribute it to that.. Which is partially understandable but also frustrating. It's like saying that because I was sexually violated at some point, my asexuality is invalid and I'm just repressing my sexuality. Am I repressing some aspects of my sexuality due to that violation? Yes, definitely. I won't even try to deny that. Does it make my (grey)asexuality invalid? No. I'm still not sexual either way.

Are there people who have gone through similar things and call themselves asexual when they aren't? Yes, I'm sure. But that doesn't speak for me as an individual.

I think with stuff like this it can be good to try to understand how things may effect each other and what things are independent of each other. I don't know a whole lot about OCD, but like with anything, it's still good to understand how you feel and why.

Personally, from what I've seen of you, I don't think your OCD is causing you to think you're trans. Is it effecting how you feel about it? Probably. But I mean, I've known you for a while. What you've been going through has never struck me as any different from what I've seen other trans men go though. Anndd... you can't really say "how trans someone is" based on how they feel about their body. Some people have very strong body dysmorphia, others don't have any at all. Are the people that have strong body dysmorphia "more trans" than the ones who don't? No.

If it concerns you, I'd think about it. But don't dig yourself into a hole because of it. Having OCD doesn't make your trans identity less valid. There are definitely other people out there who have OCD and are trans.