Mergh.

MacAvity's picture

Ladybug and I explored another old abandoned building today - maybe the only other exploration-worthy one in town, I don't know. This one was bigger and spookier and full of graffiti and asbestos and pigeon feces, and there were pigeons moving around in the attic above the asbestos and scaring the wits half out of us. Maybe only scaring the wits a sixth out of us. And it was fun. And Ladybug is really nice, and fun, and everything.

But I can't get myself to care. I just don't care about her, even though we've been spending a fair amount of time together recently and she's fun and nice and seems to like hanging out with me. Even though, by all criteria, she should be someone I should like. But I don't - not friendwise, not romantically, and I do wish I knew which kind of interest it is she has in me, too, because each is possible. Anyway, it's not that I dislike her - my attitude towards and opinion of her are positive - I just don't have any emotions in her direction at all, except this weird feeling of discomfort with the absence of the others. Like if we were to never see each other again, starting right now, I wouldn't even care except for a bit of guilt about causing any negative feelings she might experience because of the separation.

I'm kind of reminded, now that I think of it, of how I felt toward the guy with whom I went on one or two dates two years ago. I say one or two because I'm not sure whether the second one was actually a date. Anyway, I spent a fair amount of time with him, too, and never cared at all - of late I've been chalking it up to the fact that he was a bloke, but now I see that I can have the same indifference toward a girl.

And part of me doesn't want to spend any more time than necessary with Ladybug if I can't care at all, because this is senior year of high school and it's a time on which I'll probably look back as representative of my mandatory education, and the part doesn't want those memories to be filled with filler friends, if that makes any sense. And part of me wants to humor her, because that's the easy thing to do and would put off hurting her feelings, maybe even put it off forever like it seems to have done with the aforementioned guy. I remember the last time I saw him - we never said goodbye, and I feel a wee bit guilty about that, but I don't miss him at all or have any other regrets in relation to him. It could be the same with Ladybug.

And then I get annoyed at Leigh, again, for ditching me like he did. If we were still together, I'd have a best friend and a prom date and wouldn't have to worry about any of this. Plus, I don't think I've mentioned this, but he's learned to waltz. We were supposed to learn that together, and then waltz at prom, while everybody else would be melting together into a throbbing blob of sex hormones, we would be elegant. We agreed, that was what we would do. I suppose we should have done it last year. Now he knows how to waltz and I don't, and I'm left with no one with whom I'd even like to go to prom.

I'm having a little daydream now about going to prom, stealing Leigh from his date without a word and waltzing one dance with him, then kissing him, then either punching him in the face and breaking his nose or kneeing him in the crotch. Or both.