A journal is about now...

MacAvity's picture

'Now' happens to be the last week for me to be legally a minor... and am I doing anything special with it? No I am not. I am not at all. It's just another week in the life of the kid who wishes he wasn't so scared of taking action.

I'm scared to ask anybody who knows my given name, even Jude, to call me anything else. I think I'd like to be called MacAvity, but that's not exactly a normal name, not the kind you can just say to the new teacher when he reads through the roll list and asks if anyone wants to be called anything other than the listed name. MacAvity is a name that requires too much explanation to be practical in real life, and besides, it's not a first name to my surname, I can't write 'MacAvity ******' at the top of a page, it's a name that stands alone or after a first name that is not mine. Besides, it is the name of anonymity for me - I fear that if it passed into too common use, I would have to find a new pseudonym, which might in turn supplant it. Perhaps I only favor the name I can't or don't use publicly.

But I have done a small thing, a passive thing, toward shedding my given name. I've stopped writing it at the top of my papers, taken to using only my surname. With two new teachers this new trimester, at least one of them seems to use it - I was thrilled this afternoon when Mr Anatomy Teacher told the class that 'The microscope slides are on that table behind ****** and Tim.' Mr Astronomy Teacher hasn't collected any papers yet, nor has he probably read the introductory cards of which mine includes, among others, the details Likes: Skulls. I'm going to be so distracted by that cabinet of skulls in the classroom... Dislikes: Having a girly voice and a girly first name. So, there may be hope.

I'm scared to take any sort of action in regard to getting closer to Jude. I want to be closer to him - I know exactly what I want, I think. I want us to be able to approach each other without worrying about intruding or encroaching or interrupting, and I want us to be able to touch and cuddle like teenage girls do - physically, but not sexually. I really like him, and not romantically. I confess to you that I have a slight physical attraction to him as well - I say slight, but it's fairly strong by the standards of asexual me - and that scares me a bit because he is a very sexual person. In some way that's good, because there's no chance that he would object to a bit of snuggling, but still, I don't want to even risk anything sexual.

I keep finding excuses not to touch him - he's reading, I'm wearing a beard, shouldn't crowd him, if he wants proximity he'll come to me. And I don't know what's stopping me, the excuses or my fear.

Taming of the Shrew opens tomorrow; I'm excited. The multitudes will see my amazing beard and sparkly salamander suit. And the rest of the play, of course. Yes yes yes.

But then next week my birthday. I don't know how to make it special. Certain things become legal, but I don't want to buy cigarettes or go gambling or lose my virginity. Not next week, certainly, and I could probably spend the rest of my life quite happily without doing any of those things. And I'm too scared to ask anyone to kiss me, besides which, my mind takes an idiotic pride in being rather old for having never been kissed, and I'm tempted to see just how long I can remain kissless - this is a bad idea. I don't know. I'm scared to ask for anything at all, much more scared to ask for a kiss or a name.



SydCybertronian's picture

Ugh, I understand pretty

Ugh, I understand pretty much everything you're talking about here. The wanting to cuddle without sexual connotations, the being not under-age and having done nothing to express my overageness. (Besides recently buying MA anime and getting carded) And I'm cool with that, I could live without sex for a while (possibly forever) and I definitely don't want to smoke having a father who did so and had a heart attack because of it. XD

Sorry for rambling on and on. But just here to tell ya that I understand. You guys(oasis) make me want to spill my guts about EVERYTHING. XDD