Can't it just stay like this?

MacAvity's picture

Really, today was so nice. Really, sustainably nice. Even though it's Finals Week for class and Tech Week for Shakespeare, which by the way are not included in my little wish for things to stay like this. What I mean is, I'd like it if I could just stay seventeen for a while longer, stay in my senior year of high school, keep working on everything I'm doing now, not have to move forward.

Today during lunchtime Jude came and found me and lay on the grass and we talked a little, and I did what I've been looking for an opportunity to do for a while and lay with my head on his chest, and we just lay there in the sunshine and talked about Jude stuff while Regi shot me super-confused looks and I just grinned at her. And I kept trying to not squish his ribcage and he kept telling me it wasn't squishing, and I could feel his voice when he spoke. It was so nice. I hope it keeps happening. I don't really want there to be a future, just more days like today when Jude and I can lie on the grass in the sun with lots of nonsexual physical contact.

And I don't want to graduate, either, and I really, really don't want to turn eighteen. I don't care about being eighteen, it's the turning that I don't want. It's supposed to be an important point in a life, one that will be remembered, and needs to be treated appropriately. Turning any other age is different, it seems to me - what you do on that day represents who you were at that year: how you wanted to celebrate, who your friends were, et cetera. Eighteen's a little different, at least in my mind. Maybe it shouldn't be. But I'd rather have had that point fall on the day of a big accomplishment: finishing the John Muir Trail, or summiting Kilimanjaro, or even some ceremony like graduation. But I can't choose the time - it will happen just over two weeks from now, will I or nil I. (I nil.) Mergh....

And here now I'll corrupt my little wish - even satisfying it's unwritten conditions. I get to stay two-weeks-shy-of-eighteen, to stay a senior in high school, all without repetitiveness or boredom. Oh yes, the conditions are satisfied, and here's the corruption: This feeling, that the inescapable will inescapably happen soon, abides - because I don't know that the 'inescapable' won't happen, I remain in a state of perpetual mild dread.

I'd rather just write more about Jude and the sunshine and Regi's 'wtf' face upon seeing us...


whateversexual_llama's picture

i'm starting to get that way

i'm starting to get that way about my senior year too. like things shoulnt have to change. the future does excite me tho.

also, i always thought you were older than me but you're not. weird.

MacAvity's picture


I see myself as way younger than you, or you as way older than me...

whateversexual_llama's picture

nope! we're almost the same.

nope! we're almost the same. i turned 18 in november.