Uncertain's picture

Don't Comment.
I just want to write this down. Process my emotions.
No one is an island. But sometimes I just want to be one.

I cheated on my boyfriend, and I promised I would never hurt him. Why does cheating come with such absolute and universal stigma? It's always focused on the victim, I just wish people also understood cheaters are not simply malicious people wanting to hurt their partners. I just wish people understood while cheating may be an act done with voliton, people aren't without flaws and there are mitigating factors and a narrative behind everything.

It probably sounds like I'm condoing cheating, and it will appear that I am. I'm just trying to say the processes are more complex. Analogically, stealing may be bad, and should definitely be discouraged. But the person becomes labelled as a criminal with all sorts of connotations and nothing else matters - he becomes the 'other' and loses all his individuality. But before the person was a criminal he was still the same person. Neither do people consider the conditions that give rise to the theft (poverty, necessity, human nature) - he is just a criminal now. You don't have to support theft (and similarly, cheating) to understand our perceptions of undesirable behaviour are too reductive.

I told him the next day. I didn't hide it. I was extremely drunk and it was (only) a kiss, so I wouldn't even say the cheating was fully autonomous. I know this because not only was I really drunk, I didn't get his number and I didn't even like the guy, it was just fun that someone's showing interest and buying me drinks. I didn't do anything else I felt really bad and went home. I was extremely remorseful I told my flatmate straight away and I cried myself to sleep.

Again, I'm not trying to say cheating is right. But I didn't even have the state of mind, and I told my boyfriend straight away. Of course he's really upset. But some people cheat and hide it for ages, or never tell their partners. In contrast, I understand what I did was wrong, and I never wanted to hurt my boyfriend even though I did. I don't know why people always fixate on the cheating and then nothing else maters. I did everything right as a boyfriend, and I tripped up once, and because of the stigma attached to cheating somehow this outweighs everything in the entire world.


elph's picture

OK... I won't comment!

However... Isn't a kiss the equivalent of a child's white lie?

whateversexual_llama's picture

also not commenting

but I've been in your situation before, with my girlfriend, and if you want to talk about how the stigma sucks, I am also a person who's fucked up despite being a decent human being. My relationship survived though. Best of luck to you, pm me or something if you want to talk about it.

Dracofangxxx's picture

totally not commenting

you're right, sometimes I think cheating is understandable. if you're being treated badly by someone, it's natural to want to distance yourself and be with someone else, especially if you're scared to lose them, or you have false hope that the person you're with is gonna treat you better in the future.

either way, I'm sure you guys will be fine. it was one kiss and you were drunk, and as long as you don't have any feelings, I don't see any problem with it. I'm actually really proud of you for telling him, I know it was probably really hard.
Amazingly offensive <3