Depressive Rant...Short, Sweet, and to the Point

centerfielder08's picture

Everything between my therapist and I has been knocked off its equilibrium after last night's conversation.

I know I exhaust people, but do you really need to remind me of that?

I guess this is why they supposed I have a personality disorder.

Comments

Dracofangxxx's picture

Huh?

Short, sweet, and confusing.
I'm not sure what you're trying to say. Does this have something to do with your medicine change...?

And it's not really a rant unless you go on and on about it, so eh.
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Amazingly offensive <3

centerfielder08's picture

Sorry , now that I reread

Sorry , now that I reread it, it is confusing XP.

No, notwith the medication change. I wrote a really long rant about it earlier...shall I post it?

Dracofangxxx's picture

Haha... It is.

Sure, go ahead and post it.
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Amazingly offensive <3

centerfielder08's picture

To clarify...she said she

To clarify...she said she understands why people must have a hard time in relationships with me because I exhaust people.

I got angry and scared and sad when she said this but I Couldnt voice it.

When the one person who I've come to trust most says what I fear and dislike about myself the most, it makes me want to vomit.

Ordinarily, in a similar situation, I would talk to someone. But it doesnt work if the someone i'd talk to is that therapist.

Dracofangxxx's picture

Well, I see your point

But it IS her job to help you get better. Not just how you feel, but your relationships with people.

Try and calm down, you'll be alright. She's not saying it to hurt you intentionally, I believe. Everything will be okay as long as you're prepared mentally to CONFRONT, and NOT avoid, your problems. That is the key goal that I think she's trying to accomplish.
I could be wrong. But it's gonna be okay.
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Amazingly offensive <3

centerfielder08's picture

Thank you, Shelby. Much

Thank you, Shelby. Much appreciated. <3 And I think you're right. Plus, you're cunning in the sense that you just found a huge fault of mine: AVOIDANCE.

Okay, here's the rant I wrote up earlier...

I was texting with my therapist because something came up that was giving me a rough time. And then she called me. And I was too scared to pick up the phone and I didn't want my family to hear so I purposefully missed her call. And then I got a text from her saying that I needed to call her within the next few minutes while she still had time (because she lives with her own family, and of course when she talks to a patient on the phone she will leave her family so they dont hear all the confidential stuff). So I told my Mom I was going to call her and this made my mom really nervous and antsy wondering what was up that I neededto call the therapist. I told my Mom I'm anxious and so she let me call the therapist. I was talking to the therapist on the phone and at first everything was fine but then she said something that hit me like a ton of bricks...she was saying how she didn't really know if she could grasp how something so small could send me over the edge like that (my favorite basketball team lost last night, giving me very bad urges). So then I said its been like that for a few years and that I just get really connected. And she was telling me to use my coping skills and such. And then she was saying that she really can't call me every time I send her an alarming text because that messes up with the therapy relationship as described as a part of the therapy I'm in (which is DBT, dialectical behavior therapy). And the worst of it was that she said she understands why having any sort of relationship with me must be hard for other people because I get into this weird place where I'm "normal" but then something as "small" as a basketball team losing can send me over the edge and stuff.

I know she didn't mean to hurt me and she didn't know I was doing it, but it felt like I was beat up. I mean, that almost would've been better. The rest of the night I kept wondering if my own therapist, the one I'm supposed to trust the most, says she understands why all my friends have left me , why should I expect her to be any different and stick around? I'm caught in between this awful mindset of trying to be defiant against her by not saying much when I next see her and the other side of it is being scared because I feel like i need her more now. But I'm not going to text/call her until I see her next, which is Tuesday.

She was talking about how the last few conversations she's had with me, I was so different than I was last night. I think she was trying to say because I come across as this very rational, intellectual type, energetic/enthusiastic even, and last night I was making no sense to tell her that my mood was so bad because of a dumb basketball game. Because intellectually that makes no sense. And I guess for the first time (at least the first time she verbally expressed it to me), she was really taken aback on how different I was.

So last night the urges were so hard to sit with, to not act on them, because I felt like I had lost all hope in some sense and I felt so angry. Anger is an emotion that I have trouble expressing on the outside, though. But I made myself do it, and successfully had a clean night void of self-injury or self-harm in general. I knew I couldn't do the self-harm again and didn't want to cut or do anything, either.

~Eli.
(That was written this morning when I was starting to get back into my rational self). I do have a short short short writing piece I did right during the episode of my emotional stuff but I'm not sure if its appropriate to share.

Dracofangxxx's picture

Well you're welcome.

Going to see my counselor was the first time anybody had been honest with me about like, my problems. She didn't sweet talk or hide anything.
I think that's what she's trying to do, you know? Just be honest with you.

Bleh. I usually don't comment on your stuff so I don't know what to say. But she's right, basketball is nothing to get super upset about.
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Amazingly offensive <3