Again, sorry, TRIGGER WARNING: I will be talking about psychiatric meds, physical side effects, emotional side effects, depression, urges (though primarily those not dealing with ending life_), OCD.
So my meds were decreased, cant remember if I said that or not already. They were decreased because I was having physical side effects when I was on a high dose.
So they lowered the dose. But since I'm on an anti-depressant, its not that easy to work out.
The dose is now lower and I'm still having side effects (though now I can sort of eat, whereas two weeks ago I wasn't eating) but my emotions have been awful. I've been majorly depressed for two-ish weeks now. Sad, lonely, empty and all that sort of stuff. Urges to self-harm have been awful...so high and tempting. I still haven't given in to them.
But each day , especially as day turns to night , theres this demon that comes out from my insides. And suddenly everything falls/drops and I feel more vulnerable than ever before. This has caused panic for me. And I'll sometimes force myself to contact my therapist so someone knows about it because really I know that in the past when I hid all my shit from my therapist it only really ended up hurting me, not them. So I'll text her but then I feel super guilty.
I've been feeling really guilty about it lately. So I texted on Friday night, didn't yesterday though I should have (I stayed up until 4am, contemplating my depression, which, by the way, doesn't help anything). And today I did but was way too vague and she texted back saying that she's not trying to ignore me but that she's dealing with something else in her own life so she'll check in with me tomorrow and then asked me if that was okay. I texted back saying it was fine.
Because , really, I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. No, I'm not thinking of ending my life honestly, its more just of hurting myself. But I didn't want to say that she can't deal with her own life and that I need attention because if it were really that bad, I think I would have said something. Because its not--That bad, I mean. I just hate the urges and the sadness that make my emotional pain turn to physical pains--like the feeling of emptiness in my throat, chest, and stomach.
So I'm thinking tomorrow I'll get either a text or a call from her asking how I'm doing. I don't know how I'll respond yet.
One of my obsessions (dealing with my OCD) is fear of saying the wrong thing. So I replay future and past conversations over in my head a billion times. Of course, future conversations aren't scripted so they throw me off because I can never truly know what the other person is about to say. But I hate that sort of uncertainty, so I've already got myself tied in a knot about how I'm going to answer these questions of hers tomorrow that she hasn't even asked yet.
I know to tell the truth, that's not the question. Its just like, how do I say it? I feel sometimes as though by my expressing my depression, its somehow hurting my therapist/psychiatrist and that maybe I should 'protect' them from it.
On a sort of unrelated note, I didn't tell you the brave(?) thing I did the other day in therapy. I had written up a journal entry when I was home and feeling pretty awful and I was intending on shredding it or something but I decided to give it to my therapist, instead, so she could take a look at some of my thoughts because I didn't censor it at all...left in the swearing and everything.
I felt very proud afterward for accomplishing that because usually I'll "prepare" a journal entry for therapy by intending on showing them which changes how I write it (on a subconscious level).
Well, I'm here.
Oh, and random, my Russian teacher won't tell us even though people have asked....is there adifference between unconscious and subconscious?