I hate Medication

centerfielder08's picture

Again, sorry, TRIGGER WARNING: I will be talking about psychiatric meds, physical side effects, emotional side effects, depression, urges (though primarily those not dealing with ending life_), OCD.

So my meds were decreased, cant remember if I said that or not already. They were decreased because I was having physical side effects when I was on a high dose.

So they lowered the dose. But since I'm on an anti-depressant, its not that easy to work out.

The dose is now lower and I'm still having side effects (though now I can sort of eat, whereas two weeks ago I wasn't eating) but my emotions have been awful. I've been majorly depressed for two-ish weeks now. Sad, lonely, empty and all that sort of stuff. Urges to self-harm have been awful...so high and tempting. I still haven't given in to them.

But each day , especially as day turns to night , theres this demon that comes out from my insides. And suddenly everything falls/drops and I feel more vulnerable than ever before. This has caused panic for me. And I'll sometimes force myself to contact my therapist so someone knows about it because really I know that in the past when I hid all my shit from my therapist it only really ended up hurting me, not them. So I'll text her but then I feel super guilty.

I've been feeling really guilty about it lately. So I texted on Friday night, didn't yesterday though I should have (I stayed up until 4am, contemplating my depression, which, by the way, doesn't help anything). And today I did but was way too vague and she texted back saying that she's not trying to ignore me but that she's dealing with something else in her own life so she'll check in with me tomorrow and then asked me if that was okay. I texted back saying it was fine.

Because , really, I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. No, I'm not thinking of ending my life honestly, its more just of hurting myself. But I didn't want to say that she can't deal with her own life and that I need attention because if it were really that bad, I think I would have said something. Because its not--That bad, I mean. I just hate the urges and the sadness that make my emotional pain turn to physical pains--like the feeling of emptiness in my throat, chest, and stomach.

So I'm thinking tomorrow I'll get either a text or a call from her asking how I'm doing. I don't know how I'll respond yet.

One of my obsessions (dealing with my OCD) is fear of saying the wrong thing. So I replay future and past conversations over in my head a billion times. Of course, future conversations aren't scripted so they throw me off because I can never truly know what the other person is about to say. But I hate that sort of uncertainty, so I've already got myself tied in a knot about how I'm going to answer these questions of hers tomorrow that she hasn't even asked yet.

I know to tell the truth, that's not the question. Its just like, how do I say it? I feel sometimes as though by my expressing my depression, its somehow hurting my therapist/psychiatrist and that maybe I should 'protect' them from it.

On a sort of unrelated note, I didn't tell you the brave(?) thing I did the other day in therapy. I had written up a journal entry when I was home and feeling pretty awful and I was intending on shredding it or something but I decided to give it to my therapist, instead, so she could take a look at some of my thoughts because I didn't censor it at all...left in the swearing and everything.

I felt very proud afterward for accomplishing that because usually I'll "prepare" a journal entry for therapy by intending on showing them which changes how I write it (on a subconscious level).

Well, I'm here.
~Eli.

Oh, and random, my Russian teacher won't tell us even though people have asked....is there adifference between unconscious and subconscious?

Comments

Dracofangxxx's picture

Uh.... Correct me if I'm mistaken...

Unconscious is when you aren't conscious at all. Like passed out. Subconscious is when you are conscious, but it's not directly apparent what's going on. Like dreams, or small fears, or feelings.

I thought unconscious was a state, while subconscious is a thing.
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Amazingly offensive <3

funnyflyby's picture

Oh, Eli, I'm so sorry...

that's awful. *hugs* and some magical baby rainbowsy dust for you.
I'm proud of you about the therapist-letter thing. Good job.
I really wish that there was more I can do. Just know I'm here. Obsessed with planting an umbrella seed, maybe. But here. For you.
(As for the un/subconscious thing: I may be wrong, but I thought subconscious was when your brain made a connection without your knowing it in your thoughts. (Sub- meaning under- so literally underneath your foremost thoughts.) Unconscious being when you are just clueless and your brain doesn't make the connection at all.
At least, that's what I gather from the word structure.)
Wow.woW

loreonpravus's picture

Writing can be really,

Writing can be really, really revealing. I've written up some thoughts and stuff of which about 90% is unread... there are a few pieces of writing that I let my guidance counselor read, and I showed a "letter to nobody" to a close friend. It takes a lot of courage to let somebody read something deep that you've written. Kudos, man.

MacAvity's picture

Well...

Everyone seems to have already said everything, so I guess all I can do is add my hugs and support and proud-of-you-for-giving-that-writing-to-your-therapist.... and extra hugs.

Flyby, I absolutely love your idea of planting an umbrella seed and growing an umbrella plant. I can't decide whether I want a whole garden of umbrellas, or just one solitary umbrella growing right outside my window.

funnyflyby's picture

I'm glad you like my umbrella-ness.

Let me just say- AWWW! I was counting on MacAvity to shed some light on the un/subconscious thing! Aaaand now I'll hope Elph shows up. Hm.
I'm thinking just one umbrella in my front yard right now. But it would be really cool if there were a bunch of them with the edges juuust touching and the rain ran from umbrella to umbrella, dripping through the small spaces in between...
Wow.woW

MacAvity's picture

But -

You and Shelby were both right about the unconscious/subconscious thing. Unconscious is a state, like sleeping or being anesthetized, in which one is unaware of one's surroundings. It's also more an adjective than a noun. Subconscious can be an adjective or a noun, and describes a mental level below the senses and conscious thought. Gut feelings, buried memories, and that little niggling there's-something-I-should-be-remembering-now are all subconscious, I think. Dreams happen when stuff that was in the subconscious makes its way to the (sort of) conscious during unconsciousness... heheheh.