that i hate my life right now. i do. and im so close to just saying " fuck you " to everything and everyone and just ending it.
hah. i know i wouldnt. i care too much about what my family would think, how they'd feel.
i feel like doing it to see if she really cares. if i really mean anything to her.
but there wouldnt be any point, i wouldnt know after i did it.
i threatened to SH again. i did on like thursday. nothing too major. i did it while emailing her. she made me promise not to do it anymore.
then on saturday i threatened to. she....doesnt want me anymore. she hasnt really wanted me since after she left california.
she says she will be visiting again.
i dont know how i feel about that.
im pretty sure she is my soulmate. or somewhere in between. maybe not. lol, no im sure she isnt. she sure as hell fucking isnt
im even more sure that im just stupid and clingy and need to let go.
and when i finally do, she finds her way back into my life somehow and just ruins everything. all the progress ive made.
oh and my dumb fuck of a counselor failed to tell me that im NOT caught up. im still 35 credits behind.
what a kill joy.
and then...just.....fucking everything.
im real good at hiding how i feel.
i just needed to vent a little. dont be alarmed by the suicide thing. i wont do it. i never do. like i said i care too much. when i think about it, it just doesnt seem worth it. end it all just cause life's a little tough right now? it'll get better.