the model (elle fanning) in this is 12 years old
she looks so ageless and beautiful and lost
i'm in love with this, honestly.
and if you watch her in interviews she acts and speaks like she's nearly 18 most of the time but then she'll say something really childlike, it's so curious and amazing to me
today i was in one of my moods and i was really upset
(i get these times when i am so disconnected from everything. like my body is here but my mind is off a million miles away and it doesn't understand anything. i don't know.) and i was with my boyfriend and he just sat patiently and played in my hair
i looked into his eyes and i saw no lies
and he smiled one of those tight smiles and i smiled back with one of those tight smiles you make when you don't really want to
and then he smiled for real and i did too
and i was happy for a while
i just want to write it here so maybe in a month or a year i can re-read this.
i'm happy with him, though. he is so patient and kind and he has sad eyes and he looks like he's always thinking
sometimes he tickles me because he likes my laugh or seeing me smile and i do the same
i like the shape of his lips and the way his voice sounds
especially when he's trying to be very quiet
and sometimes the way he laughs is so loud and it makes my bones shake
sometimes though i don't like it if he jokes about my strange and eccentric tastes because the rest of the time he says it's something he loves about me but then he'll say flat out "that's weird" or whatever and it makes me feel like he's dishonest but i'm just insecure in that way
and i'm always so convinced people are lying to me. i shouldn't be though because i don't think he's been dishonest this far
we took speed together last week and stayed awake for 36 hours
we watched the same movie 3 times in a row and told each other about our pasts
so he got to see a bit of my world and of when i was doing a lot of pills and why i did them
and it made us closer more than anything else
i suppose that our love is sort of that we're both in the same kind of space but through different means and
that we'll be together and we'll be happy as long as that remains and as long as he doesn't truly figure me out
that will end one day as all things do.
but i'll be glad because this is another narrative, another story
i have closed enough books
i have seen many loves die within a few pages
and i've cried once or twice, yes, but that feeling never lasts
i've seen heroes die and felt nothing but a twinge of sadness
at the end of the day i just feel like i've read a good story
hopefully this will feel like the same thing
and with what happened today, i don't know
maybe i don't want to be broken anymore.
maybe this can be beautiful too.