Love is a bitch

radiosilence95's picture

I don't know why, but I can't get the memory of when my friend told me she knew about my feelings for her out of my head. The conversation went something like this:

Amber (my friend): "I know how you feel about me, Jenna. I know you like me."
Me: "...How did you know?"
Amber: "I've known for awhile. I could tell by the way you looked at me, and how you talked to me."
Me: "I'm so sorry, Amber. I never meant for it to happen. I'm sorry."
Amber: "Don't apologize. You can't help the way you feel. It doesn't
change our friendship, honey. You have nothing to apologize for."
Me: "But I do. I'm in love with you, Amber. And it's killing me."
Amber: "I always hurt the people who love me most. This whole thing is my fault. Don't ask why or say that it's not. I don't want to hear it."
Me: "But it's not your fault. I can't just let you blame yourself for this. I'm the one who's done something wrong."
Amber: "You could never do anything wrong."
Me: "Are you sure about that?"
Amber: "Yes. I am."

This conversation happend seven months ago. It's so weird how much things have changed. Now we barely talk. And when we do, it's just not the same. She can be so cold. After that conversation, things were fine. We were still close for a long time. Now, seven months later, everything's different. God, I love her. But I also hate her. Love and hate are not so far apart. Love is a bitch.

It was her smile that got me. When I first saw her in gym class, I knew she and I would become close. And we did. She told me everything, and I told her everything. I knew I was in love with her. I would have done anything for her. I would have died for her. That smile was the most beautiful smile I had ever seen. She would steal her mom's phone when she was grounded and would call me. We talked for hours, and it felt wonderful. Nobody is quite like Amber. She's not beautiful in that fake, plastic way, but in a different way. She's the most beautiful girl in the whole world. She's torturing me.