Oh my goodness. I'm so amazed.

centerfielder08's picture

I had a really traumatic thing happen today while I was at therapy. But I couldn't say anything about it because of the shame involved. It was pretty much, without saying anything of what actually happened, I was doing an exposure to some cognitive (thought) triggers I have. So I was just sitting there and thinking. But then I panicked and peed in my pants. I didn't say anything at the time because, really, a 19-year-old person who pees in their pants? Like WHATTHEFUCK.

So I didn't say anything about it.

But my therapist gave me her cell number and said I should call/text if I need any coaching, meaning if I'm having a panic attack (which, by the way, I do...dunno if I've told you about it) or if something comes up or anything of the sort.

So between getting home from therapy and class this evening, I decided I would mention it. So I texted the therapist, asking if she wouldn't mind talking to me about it, saying that something happened during exposures. She texted back saying we could talk. So I explained what happened and we had an ongoing text exchange. Then, when I returned home after class, I called her (because I couldn't call during class) and we talked on the phone for about 33 minutes.

It was great. And I feel so hopeful right now.

She makes me feel so great about myself and about the world, I cannot even begin to explain.

Then at the end of the conversation was what made me feel like I was flying high. She said that if I call or text her and don't hear back right away, its not because its a judgment call she's making about me (because, of course, my mind first says OHDEARGOODNESS,SHEHATESMEANDWANTSMEDEAD, no seriously...that's what I do) its because she may be busy. She's a mom, by the way.

I bet she's a damn good mom 'cause she's so fucking amazing.

Oh and earlier today, I came out to her (again), after explaining my gender stuff like months ago and weeks ago. Then today I said I finally figured it out. We were in the group room so she sat next to me and asked me to whisper it in my ear so others wouldn't hear. So I said "I figured it out. I'm agendered." And she was great about it. She said it must be nice to know and I said how much more I felt it fit rather than saying I'm trans. And so then she said, yeah it suits you. And I was like...YOUREAMAZING. Though, I thought that and didn't say that out loud.

Oh goodness, I'm just so happy to know her. She's one of the most beautiful human beings I have ever met in my entire life with the greatest soul of anyone.

~Eli.

Comments

Riku's picture

:D I'm happy for you, it's

:D

I'm happy for you, it's really great that you have somebody you can talk to about that stuff.

Agendered huh? What pronouns do you prefer?

I'm glad you found something you're comfortable with. That's always a good feeling. :]

radiosilence95's picture

It's great that your

It's great that your therapist is someone you can confide in. Now real progress can be made. It only takes one person to change your life. Your current therapist might be that person.

Panic attacks? That must be rough. Hang on to that hope you're feeling. I wish you the best of luck with your therapy.

MacAvity's picture

Hey!

This is great! Yaaaay....happy for you!