I had a really traumatic thing happen today while I was at therapy. But I couldn't say anything about it because of the shame involved. It was pretty much, without saying anything of what actually happened, I was doing an exposure to some cognitive (thought) triggers I have. So I was just sitting there and thinking. But then I panicked and peed in my pants. I didn't say anything at the time because, really, a 19-year-old person who pees in their pants? Like WHATTHEFUCK.
So I didn't say anything about it.
But my therapist gave me her cell number and said I should call/text if I need any coaching, meaning if I'm having a panic attack (which, by the way, I do...dunno if I've told you about it) or if something comes up or anything of the sort.
So between getting home from therapy and class this evening, I decided I would mention it. So I texted the therapist, asking if she wouldn't mind talking to me about it, saying that something happened during exposures. She texted back saying we could talk. So I explained what happened and we had an ongoing text exchange. Then, when I returned home after class, I called her (because I couldn't call during class) and we talked on the phone for about 33 minutes.
It was great. And I feel so hopeful right now.
She makes me feel so great about myself and about the world, I cannot even begin to explain.
Then at the end of the conversation was what made me feel like I was flying high. She said that if I call or text her and don't hear back right away, its not because its a judgment call she's making about me (because, of course, my mind first says OHDEARGOODNESS,SHEHATESMEANDWANTSMEDEAD, no seriously...that's what I do) its because she may be busy. She's a mom, by the way.
I bet she's a damn good mom 'cause she's so fucking amazing.
Oh and earlier today, I came out to her (again), after explaining my gender stuff like months ago and weeks ago. Then today I said I finally figured it out. We were in the group room so she sat next to me and asked me to whisper it in my ear so others wouldn't hear. So I said "I figured it out. I'm agendered." And she was great about it. She said it must be nice to know and I said how much more I felt it fit rather than saying I'm trans. And so then she said, yeah it suits you. And I was like...YOUREAMAZING. Though, I thought that and didn't say that out loud.
Oh goodness, I'm just so happy to know her. She's one of the most beautiful human beings I have ever met in my entire life with the greatest soul of anyone.