Poetry sort-of (feedback please?)

rythmn_n_rhyme_grrl's picture

This is for an English assignment and it's only a rough draft. Sketch, in words, a person who does not know you are watching them. Any comments, critiques, suggestions etc. are greatly appreciated.

To the Girl in the Green Sweater
You're sitting in the row behind me me in the auditorium
wearing a sweater the colour of olives
no, not quite olives, like olives and lichen and some other deeper thing, like the confidence rolling off you in waves is stiched into the yarn of your sweater
Your're sitting in the row behind me with your knees pointing opposite directions like the boys sit in class with your sleeves pushed up & the edge of your t-shirt showing above the V of your collar and your light brown hair cut in a mohawk but not put up
which always looks messy except for it looks intentional on you, soft, & not like you ran out of the house late with not enough time
The green of your sweater reflects in your hair & all that green makes me think your legs are trees rooting you to the ground as you slouch in your chair with easy grace.
I can't see your eyes from here but they haven't seen me twisted in my seat to watch you while your mouth has been moving this whole time talking to your friend in the seat next to you &
I try to read your lips in scientific observation and I wonder what they taste like
Are they young and green too? Does that green reach your heart?
When they call your name you strut up the aisle, the steps to the stage, and make me think I can't be the only one to have noticed you in this whole theater, with that undefinable green shooting out from you.
When they take your picture you strike a pose like they said to, you don't shy away
stand there with your hip jutted out, chin raised, big grin on your face so that no one can tell whether you're doing it in irony
or not.
Then bound down the steps again and take your seat, and in a minute you're just the girl in the undefinable green sitting in the row behind me in this auditorium.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~
Do I say "and" too much? I'm still working on where to put line breaks because at this point I think there aren't enough.

Comments

whateversexual_llama's picture

this is great. The excessive

this is great. The excessive "and"s do a lot to add to the tone and feeling of the poem, the ramblyness. I wouldn't worry about that, as long as you clearly define where your sentences/thoughts are beginning and ending. For example, in phrases like "Your're sitting in the row behind me with your knees pointing opposite directions like the boys sit in class with your sleeves pushed up," it's unclear... do the boys sitting in class spread their knees or push up their sleeves? this might be a good point for a line break, to clarify where your thoughts end.

Meanwhile however but, your imagery is gorgeous. The bit about the lichen and the confidence and the sweater? Brilliant. I could see her. It's a really strong piece- just tighten and clarify.

rythmn_n_rhyme_grrl's picture

Thanks so much, this is

Thanks so much, this is super helpful. :) I'm glad the stream-of-consciousness was evident, I was worried about that.

625539's picture

Okay first off I hate

Okay first off I hate critiquing someone's work, I always feel like I'm being a huge bitch... I really liked this, though. These would be my corrections if I was editing my own work to please my own aesthetic :

- a sweater the colour of olives : i'd just say an olive sweater. it's wordy for nothing.
- no, not quite olives, like olives and lichen and some other deeper thing, like the confidence rolling off you in waves is stiched into the yarn of your sweater : i REALLY like the imagery here. only thing i'd change is some other deeper thing. maybe just something deeper? something more _____?

- Your're sitting in the row behind me with your knees pointing opposite directions like the boys sit in class with your sleeves pushed up & the edge of your t-shirt showing above the V of your collar and your light brown hair cut in a mohawk but not put up :what whateversexual said. rephrase these lines, they are awkward on the tongue.

- which always looks messy except for it looks intentional on you, soft, & not like you ran out of the house late with not enough time : i'd remove the "and" here. (also, i would keep to either using an ampersand or the word "and" as opposed to going between the two.)

- The green of your sweater reflects in your hair & all that green makes me think your legs are trees rooting you to the ground as you slouch in your chair with easy grace. : I'd honestly ditch the first part of this, or refer back to the green in another, seperate line. I like the image but the way it is presented comes across (to me) as, "ouhhhhh look at my artistic metaphor".

- I can't see your eyes from here but they haven't seen me twisted in my seat to watch you while your mouth has been moving this whole time talking to your friend in the seat next to you &
I try to read your lips in scientific observation and I wonder what they taste like : DITCH THE AMPERSAND PLEASE. "talking to your friend (...)" seems sort of irrelevant, you've mentionned that she's talking.

- the rest is perfect. I love "Are they young and green too? Does that green reach your heart?".

again though, these are corrections I would make if this was my own work, and i'm in no way a writer or otherwise.

swimmerguy's picture

Well

Pretty much what the others said, frankly, I think I would keep the "sweater the colour of olives" because just "an olive sweater" sounds somehow, non poetic or something?
Other than that I agree, and I'd also say that the "I try to read your lips in scientific observation" is a little clunky, I would either say just "I try to read your lips", or even "I try to scientifically observe your lips", but what I would go with myself is just "I try to observe your lips".
But all of that just seems a little stuffed to me.

Other than that, it's great, I love it. I am by no means a poet myself, I've tried writing poetry and it's ended out rather tragic, and not in a good Romeo-And-Juliet dramatic tragedy type of way, I mean "oh gross, that's tragic."

No one escapes from life alive

whateversexual_llama's picture

just popping back to say

i like the bit about the lips.

artistic difference for the win!