TRIGGER WARNING: the following journal entry may be dealing with subjects that make some of you uncomfortable. Possible subjects to come up: depression, self-injury, emotional hurt/pain, panic attacks and anxiety, psychiatric hospitals, among others.
If they do, please stop reading. I hate getting comments like "oh, you shouldn't write that sad stuff." Its not helpful. So if you're going to read this and comment, please make it constructive. Thank you.
And without further delay, here is my journal entry all about the TRUTH of where I stand, emotionally.
It has now been over 2 years since I made my very first visit to the psychiatric hospital's emergency room, yet, somehow I still have issues. I find it hard to be nonjudgmental about myself in this regard (or any regard, really) because of the people that I talk to who were in treatment with me previously all seem to be doing fine and dandy...some of them dont even see therapists anymore or are no longer on medication. I, however, am back to this intensive outpatient program, am on medication, see a therapist on a regular basis, and still have very strong urges to hurt myself. Over the course of two years, I've been on upwards of ten medications.
Sure, I've improved in some ways...I don't act on my urges like I used to. I've been clean for about 2 months now (clean of self-harming) which is a huge accomplishment for me, considering I used to self-harm multiple times a day. I also get hopeful sometimes.
However, my depression is still very real and very present. On a daily basis, I fight urges to self-harm and drink. The drinking, I sometimes daydream, would be done to swallow my problems. Every day, I have such feelings of emptiness and loneliness and extreme sadness. None of that has gone away.
I have been having such a hard time because lately the depression has been really, really bad. I'm on this medicine now that had to be decreased because of how sick I was getting from side effects. So they lowered the medicine, which is an anti-depressant, which makes all the urges so so much worse. I've been on this medicine before but apparently if they shoot the amount up super high, it can be really effective for OCD treatment. So I'm waiting until the sickness dies down and so then the meds can be raised again .
Until then, its just a waiting game.
My therapist gave me her cell number so I can call or text if I need to. I don't know if I abused that privilege, so I'm slowing down when I text her. ITs hard for me to tell when I should / shouldn't text her. Text her when I have the urges? I hate it because I want the urges to stop...I have had depression officially for 2+ years but have had it actually for more like 3.5 years and not one day has gone by where I haven't had self-harming urges or worse.
Whenever I get really high urges, as they've been lately, I feel like I sound like I'm crazy so I won't text/call anyone, which makes it worse. I'm just afraid what I say/write will be analyzed.
Do I believe I need to go to the hospital? No. And I actually can't unless its a truly life-or-death situation (which it is not), because of all the shit that happened last time.
Lately, I opened up some emotionally heavy topics with my therapist, stuff I've never talked about openly before. So its really hard. But she's been good about it, knowing that its hard for me to talk about and she's giving me time and space and such. That's some of the stuff I've had to text about , because the stuff I've talked to her about is really traumatic for me and so sometimes, when I sit in class and I start thinking about it, urges get worse and I get really bad so I have to tell someone. Its scary.
Tomorrow I have a family session...my therapist, me, and my parents. Aghhhhhhh I'm so nervous. I feel sick because of my anxiety for this. That's another thing, my anxiety has been really bad.
In the last 6 days, I've had two very bad panic attacks, one in which my legs were paralyzed and I couldn't move.
Basically, I've waited to say any of this because I wanted to appear completley happy/jolly on this site, but I can't really hold it in anymore because then I feel like I'm filtering how you all must see me.
Til later. That's enough confessing for me for now.