The Truth about where I am emotionally

centerfielder08's picture

TRIGGER WARNING: the following journal entry may be dealing with subjects that make some of you uncomfortable. Possible subjects to come up: depression, self-injury, emotional hurt/pain, panic attacks and anxiety, psychiatric hospitals, among others.
If they do, please stop reading. I hate getting comments like "oh, you shouldn't write that sad stuff." Its not helpful. So if you're going to read this and comment, please make it constructive. Thank you.

And without further delay, here is my journal entry all about the TRUTH of where I stand, emotionally.

It has now been over 2 years since I made my very first visit to the psychiatric hospital's emergency room, yet, somehow I still have issues. I find it hard to be nonjudgmental about myself in this regard (or any regard, really) because of the people that I talk to who were in treatment with me previously all seem to be doing fine and dandy...some of them dont even see therapists anymore or are no longer on medication. I, however, am back to this intensive outpatient program, am on medication, see a therapist on a regular basis, and still have very strong urges to hurt myself. Over the course of two years, I've been on upwards of ten medications.

Sure, I've improved in some ways...I don't act on my urges like I used to. I've been clean for about 2 months now (clean of self-harming) which is a huge accomplishment for me, considering I used to self-harm multiple times a day. I also get hopeful sometimes.

However, my depression is still very real and very present. On a daily basis, I fight urges to self-harm and drink. The drinking, I sometimes daydream, would be done to swallow my problems. Every day, I have such feelings of emptiness and loneliness and extreme sadness. None of that has gone away.

I have been having such a hard time because lately the depression has been really, really bad. I'm on this medicine now that had to be decreased because of how sick I was getting from side effects. So they lowered the medicine, which is an anti-depressant, which makes all the urges so so much worse. I've been on this medicine before but apparently if they shoot the amount up super high, it can be really effective for OCD treatment. So I'm waiting until the sickness dies down and so then the meds can be raised again .

Until then, its just a waiting game.

My therapist gave me her cell number so I can call or text if I need to. I don't know if I abused that privilege, so I'm slowing down when I text her. ITs hard for me to tell when I should / shouldn't text her. Text her when I have the urges? I hate it because I want the urges to stop...I have had depression officially for 2+ years but have had it actually for more like 3.5 years and not one day has gone by where I haven't had self-harming urges or worse.

Whenever I get really high urges, as they've been lately, I feel like I sound like I'm crazy so I won't text/call anyone, which makes it worse. I'm just afraid what I say/write will be analyzed.

Do I believe I need to go to the hospital? No. And I actually can't unless its a truly life-or-death situation (which it is not), because of all the shit that happened last time.

Lately, I opened up some emotionally heavy topics with my therapist, stuff I've never talked about openly before. So its really hard. But she's been good about it, knowing that its hard for me to talk about and she's giving me time and space and such. That's some of the stuff I've had to text about , because the stuff I've talked to her about is really traumatic for me and so sometimes, when I sit in class and I start thinking about it, urges get worse and I get really bad so I have to tell someone. Its scary.

Tomorrow I have a family therapist, me, and my parents. Aghhhhhhh I'm so nervous. I feel sick because of my anxiety for this. That's another thing, my anxiety has been really bad.

In the last 6 days, I've had two very bad panic attacks, one in which my legs were paralyzed and I couldn't move.

Basically, I've waited to say any of this because I wanted to appear completley happy/jolly on this site, but I can't really hold it in anymore because then I feel like I'm filtering how you all must see me.


Til later. That's enough confessing for me for now.


loreonpravus's picture

It's impossible for me to

It's impossible for me to purport what it's like to be you as I have no idea, but you have my sympathy and empathy and support.

Nothing should ever be held back here. I'm a bit of a hypocrite because I censor things out and I change the words I'd really want to write, but if we can't be free here, on Oasis, where else are our words and feelings going to go? We've all got our own shit to deal with and that... really, really sucks. Stay strong.

ferrets's picture

constructive comment.

woul i love you and hugs count?

cuase if so thats my comment.

"A loving man and woman in a committed relationship can marry. Dogs, no matter what their relationship, are not allowed to marry. How should society treat gays and lesbians in committed relationships? As dogs or as humans?"

funnyflyby's picture

Oh, Eli, I'm so sorry.

That sounds- no, that IS really, really suckish. I, like loreonpravus, have no way to know what it's like.
But I'm here, and I'm very glad you are now.
*hugs more*
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

MacAvity's picture

Ooh, yeah...

Don't confine yourself to writing happiness if that's not what you're feeling. We're all here, ready with love and virtual hugs, but we can't know when you need them unless you tell us. So, thanks for telling us. Love and virtual hugs!



Riku's picture

I'm pretty much seconding

I'm pretty much seconding what everyone else has said. Especially loreonpravus and MacAcity. Don't be afraid to write about what you're actually going through here. This community is supposed to be accepting of everyone, and their ups and downs. You don't have to apologize.

Don't beat yourself up for still needing therapy and the like when others don't any more. Their lives are different, they are all people different from you. We all deal with things in our own ways at our own pace. You have made incredible progress and I'm proud of you.

Good luck with the meds. I know it can be very difficult to find the right medication and the right dosage.

Eli, you're stronger than you think you are and you will get through this. You may not see it now but I know you will.

Meldiseus's picture

hiya Eli

When I was reading this I was like no way that’s not possible because you always seemed to me to inhabit the older brother zone and now I know you definitely do.

For those of you who don't know what the older brother zone you get an idea of what it is if you imagine a brother and his little brother and sister and the family has fallen on hard times and the brother has to be strong for his little brother and sister.

I know this is probably just a fantasy of mine and may not even exist in most everyday life but I like it and I like to think of you as the older brother.

Hey have you tried exercising yet because I think I read somewhere that the chemicals (endorphins?) released while exercising are supposed to help with depression.

I don't really get depressed often but I every once in a while I'll get in this one mood that kind of scares me and when I do I sometimes try writing a story or playing my guitar to get my emotions out, maybe you could do something like that.

Well I hope you feel better soon.

elph's picture

Exercise! Absolutely!

Exercise is very effective for countering mild depression. Besides, it's important for the maintenance of good physical health...

Everyone should make a firm commitment to himself to make exercise a regular life-long routine.

Those "endorphins" are real... and they do shoo away depression!

centerfielder08's picture

Loreonpravus---Thank you. I

Loreonpravus---Thank you. I deeply appreciate your nice words. *hugs*
Ferrets---Yes, those are always appropriate. Love you back. And *HUGSSSSSIES*
Flyby---Thank you very much, Flyby. You're awesome. Simply awesome.
MacAvity---No, no, I loveeeeeeeeeeee youuuuuuuu. And hugss!
Riku---Thanks, you're so great. You were my very first friend here on Oasis and I still find you to be a great friend of mine here!
Meldiseus---Yeah, I've been doing a lot of walking and I was lifting weights but I stopped. I should get back to that. Anyway, maybe it is just a fantasy (who knows) but you're the best little sister I've ever ever had and ever could imagine having. Wouldn't trade ya in for anything.
Elph---Thanks, elph!! :D