I'm supposed to be doing homework right now, catching up on my Russian homework in which I'm way behind but the teacher doesnt collect it until the end of the semester, which is a relief. Anyway, I'm getting so goshdarn overwhelmed by it.
I should be grateful. I should be happy. I have more than some people in this world...I'm fortunate enough to have food, water, a family, a house. So why the fuck don't I *feel* happy?
On the outside looking in, people tell me I have it perfect. On the inside looking out I feel like such a space case on the best of days. I take refuge in Oasis because I dont know how to socialize in real life.
Whenever I get scared, I show it. I hate talking on the phone so even when friends call, I'll purposefully skip the call. I know I should pick it up but its too daunting. If I call someone else, I write down the conversation ahead of time, scripting the whole thing.
Right now, I should be getting back to work but my stupid brain is getting in the way.
I already texted the therapist earlier, though not about my urges, and so I dont think I should text again, i dont want to abuse the privilege.
Yesterday/today I've had ongoing email conversations with an organization that provides in-person/phone/email crisis counseling, only the email isnt immediate so its for less urgent issues. But anyway, I've emailed them but I didnt tell my theraipst that just yet. it should be fine with her though.
In my therapy group, we have to set "homework" for somethings we will accomplish between one group and the next. So here are some of mine for the weekend: Eat , Stay safe , Call/text for coaching if needed, and call crisis (suicide) hotline if needed.
The use of all these "should"s make me feel extremely bad about myself and like a total screw-up.
I should stop writing before I start saying too much, unless, maybe I already have?