So today I was in therapy, right? Yeah, and they were asking me if the exposure I was doing was causing me any sort of anxiety, distress, discomfort, disgust, etc. I said that I couldn't really feel anything. So the woman (W) I was talking to said "What're your thoughts now--what's going through your head? Are you telling yourself something to make it better?" And I said "Um...its really weird, but there's literally like nothing in my head. I'm not thinking anything. Its like ...blank--" She interrupted me to say "Like...numb?!" Me: EXACTLY!!
So yeah, I was numb through most of therapy today. I think I was just so anxious and felt super guilty. The reason for all my guilt today was right before group, I saw my friend from a previous group walk by in the hallway. I called her name and she came in, sat next to me and we started talking because my group hadnt started yet. And then she left as the staff person was coming in and the staff person (T) came in close to me, whispering "Next time, (INSERT GIRL BIRTH NAME HERE), don't do that...don't bring anyone in...its the whole confidentiality issue." I felt myself turn red and submissive and I mumbled "Oh. Sorry."
Yeah, back to that numbness...I've been getting it quite a bit lately. Well, less than once a day, maybe more like once every two or three days. But its like I'm feeling absolutely nothing and thinking nothing. Its sort of hard to snap out of. The woman I was talking to (and mentioned previously in this post, W) called it "dissociating"
It sucks because this woman (W, not T) is gorgeous but she also has a great personality. And sometimes at the end of my group, she and I will walk outside and happen to walk in the same direction to go our separate ways--she to her car and me to the bus station. And we'll talk as we walk and I make her laugh and I just wish she wasn't working at the group (actually, its an internship) because I would so want to date her if we weren't. I'm not like physically or sexually attracted to her. But I just really feel like some emotional bond/connection. I hate that after this group I don't think there's any way for me to see her again.
Today, my therapist wasn't there and so I now get to obsess with my thoughts until Thursday about what could *possibly* go wrong when I talk to her. I sometimes get afraid that what I say to people or write will get me hit or hurt. Or that they'll hate me.
Then I was looking at the calendar in my phone and saw that the day is three weeks from today, exactly. Its a sort of dreaded day for me and if you really want to know why you can PM me or just go to my old journals. I don't want to open that can of worms right here.
So yeah, now you have a basic update on how things are.
Well, my headache is back (I've had a super painful one for three days now, on and off). I need to go lie down and get some homework done after.
As always, feel free to comment, PM, whatever.