adolescent exorcism

625539's picture

i have lost track of my goal and it has made me weak. i have been stuffing myself like a pig. i am disgusting.

yesterday i lost control of my persona, shed tears in front of another. i can't slip up again. i must perfect my craft, for my sake, for his sake, for the sake of "us" - otherwise, all i have built will be lost. which is not to say that all i am is artificial, i am merely in the process of transformation, in the midst of modern alchemy, an adolescent exorcism. it is said that all of the metals wish to be gold, they lie waiting, just as the desert sits and waits to become a sea once more. i am not content with waiting, i must transform. i have already lived through putrefaction - purification, enlightenement and unification with the unlimited await.

and if it is impossible, i will pretend, and con them all.

Comments

Splash's picture

The kind of perfection you seem to be seeking...

...scares me. What are you saying? Give up eating? Give up feeling? It all sounds perilously close to something I might call suicide of the spirit.

You know something about gold? It's so soft, it has to be mixed with other metals so that things made out of it will last. It NEEDS the other metals. And the alchemists couldn't find a way to make other stuff into it, anyway.

Why pretend anything? You're beautiful as you are. Stay real.

*hugs*

~~~ the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses ~ e e cummings ~~~

625539's picture

I am, unfortunately, unable

I am, unfortunately, unable and too weak-willed to give up food entirely, or even to a strict minimum. I don't want to give up feeling - there is some beauty in powerful emotions such as ecstasy or misery - only weakness and vulnerability. I don't seek death of the spirit, only transformation.

The study of alchemy is more interesting to me for its allegorical meaning - I am not trying to produce the Elixir or even the Stone. I've taken the basic steps involved and distorted them to fit my own thoughts, immature as this may be. I will be my own Magnum Opus.

Thank you for your kindness.

Dracofangxxx's picture

Um gross

I'd prefer if you were fat and comfortable with yourself, honestly.
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Amazingly offensive <3

625539's picture

if i was obese i would be

if i was obese i would be far from comfortable with myself

lonewolf678's picture

If I could,

I would trade my body for yours. It's thin, boney and weak, it would make you happy.

625539's picture

i envy you.

i envy you.

lonewolf678's picture

฿

I envy you as well.

Dracofangxxx's picture

I didn't say obese,

I said fat.

Besides, super skinny is much more disgusting. I'd rather see a happy person who's slightly unhealthy than a starving skeleton. Euch.
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Amazingly offensive <3

MacAvity's picture

So...

You're trying to transform yourself... from a human... into... an angel? Yes?
I admire the goal, though I would object to the means if they were for any other end.
In my mind, though, you're already there.

Uncertain's picture

mirror

a few thoughts-
maybe he'll be the right one maybe he'll like me for who I am
maybe I won't need to change for him
But people -I- will never know until it's too late
That's not a risk I'm willing to take -
[and] who is to say he has that much control over me anyway?
I'm not doing this for him, that's giving him too much control over me
I must do this regardless
no matter what anyone else
says

625539's picture

how divine

how divine