chalk

625539's picture

i've kept my journals to mostly semi-poetic writing for a bit, but i'm feeling the need to just vent about some issues i've been having, i'm just going to do this all in one fell swoop and then shut up about everything. promise.

i, essentially, have a perfect life. i'm doing well at school, i have friends who care about me, i get to choose my hours at work, i have the most wonderful boyfriend, ect. and for some reason, at the end of the day, i just never end up being happy.

and one of the main reasons for this is my body.

first, i have an extreme distaste for body hair. i really, really do. and whenever any appears i need to remove it immediately. i don't know why, i just hate it. it makes me feel disgusting, human, banal. ugly. part of it probably has to do with that ex-something who was obsessed with youth. regardless, i hate it.

second, i passionately hate the shape of my body. i truly wish i had a more androgynous shape. or, actually, just a thinner shape. no, not even thin. i want to be skeletal. i'm starting to sharply decrease the amounts i eat, to slowly try and get my body used to a very minimal diet. i'm seriously considering the ABC diet (i'm not posting any links or explanations as to what that is. do not ask me) even if it's dangerous. i'd change it a bit though, to allow myself to eat more, but the intent is the same. i'm somewhat weak-willed for dieting though. i've also been smoking more to cut my appetite, and i'm starting to do cardio to burn off excess foods.

all this, even though i'm not in any way fat, i'm quite thin according to most, and my BMI is 20. flesh just seems so useless.

you know how body-builders, extremely obese people or people who have a lot of cosmetic surgery done, seem almost... soulless? it's as though there's so much body (or plastic) that there's no room left for the soul. that's how i feel about myself - it has nearly nothing to do with exterior influence. it seems to me that the more my body would be reduced the more room there would be left for the soul. i don't know. it isn't logical. i just hate it.

next, is sex. my boyfriend and i still haven't taken part in it. partly because he is very off-and-on, but in the middle of action. he turns me on and is very suddenly disinterested, and this reinforces my disgust for my body. i know, though, at the same time, that this is caused by his own emotional issues, but in my mind i cannot help but associate it with myself.

more importantly though, is that roles have been reversed - he wishes to be bottom, for the first time. i have never been a top. and while i am in turn both very submissive and very dominant, i don't even think i'd be able to, emotionally.

see, it's easy to submit yourself to one you love, but it is very hard for me to accept submission from one so pure when i am so vile and filthy. i am unworthy. and everyone who's performed the act on me has been cruel in their treatment of me otherwise, and the last i want to do is cause him pain.

by the way, i'd really appreciate if no one left comments such as «don't do/say this, you're a wonderful person, you'll feel better, whatever». i'm not trying to get people to feel sorry for me. remember, most of you don't know me at all outside of this website, while i'm certain my presence on here is appreciated you do not actually care about the biological entity really sitting behind a screen. i invite you all, however, to share your own insecurities or to challenge or create dialogue about some ideas i've put forward here.

Comments

ferrets's picture

hmmm

in theory, the best diet isnt one that involves a lack of food, but one that involves still eating the proper number of calories, only spaced out in 8-10 meals a day, instead of three. this way your matabolism dosnt have to wrok so hhard to break down massive amounts of calories at once. its kind of like your body uses the calories as you need them, instead of being almost emtpy or having an over abundance.

tho im not certain that will work for what you wish to accomplish

"A loving man and woman in a committed relationship can marry. Dogs, no matter what their relationship, are not allowed to marry. How should society treat gays and lesbians in committed relationships? As dogs or as humans?"

625539's picture

it isn't a health thing for

it isn't a health thing for me, it's a creation process.

however i am planning on modifying the ABC plan : i will not count calories for anything liquid (i need coffee to live, seriously, but i've started to drink it black to avoid sugar and creme. plus, i don't drink any soft drinks or things like that anyways) or for fruits and veggies so that i can get by on fasting days and have some energy. i've already cut down to one regular meal with one or two snacks during the day - next week i should be ready. i'm also going to allow myself 25% more than amounts indicated on the calendar.

thank you for the input, though.

MacAvity's picture

'see, it's easy to submit

'see, it's easy to submit yourself to one you love, but it is very hard for me to accept submission from one so pure when i am so vile and filthy.'

From what I've read of you, you don't seem vile or filthy at all. I see you as an expanse of pure white with a little splash of red and a few slight wisps of silver-gray. If that makes any sense. I can see what you're trying to say, but... vile and filthy would be the last words I would use to describe you.

625539's picture

you make my persona seem so

you make my persona seem so noble
this was very kind, thank you.

Nanook's picture

Yea, humans are vile and

Yea, humans are vile and insufferable creatures. But that's what we are, we're just little pawns of selfishness (I still think of shellfish...). But there's no real difference from you and the norm. You're perfectly normal. You aren't more vile than the most innocent or the most normal. Everyone has little dirty secrets, and that's normal and that's healthy. Besides, if you were actually perfect, then I'd guess that you'd only have pyschos after you. I mean, who actually wants to know someone perfect?

And I get the repulsion with body hair. I hate hate hate it. I also want to lose weight (21.2 BMI, 140 lbs), but I'm not doing some ridiculous diet to do it fast. Just eat when you want, but think about what you eat. Focus on fats, fruits and veggies. The human body is more likely to store carbohydrates as body fat than it would with fat.

625539's picture

i'm just going to deprive my

i'm just going to deprive my body of anything to store and take lots of vitamins so i don't become ugly - i want my old BMI of 18.5 back.
and we weight nearly the same, which is kind of weird... haha

if the norm is vile and insufferable, and i am a part of this norm, does that not make me vile and insufferable?

and yes, i want to be perfect.
see, i've always been fascinated with alchemy, or simply the concept of making something base into something wonderful and pure and perfect. i refuse to remain something base, that is all.

(oh, and perfection to me is perhaps not what perfection represents to another - therefore i doubt i'd have creepers after me)

Nanook's picture

Taking supplements just

Taking supplements just can't keep you entirely healthy. It doesn't work like that. Supplements are only supplements; they are not offered to supplant. Further, many of the vitamins are in non-absorbable forms, or are rather hard to absorb. The cereal product, Total, for instance, says on its nutrition label that it contains 100% DV of iron. That's actually false. While Total does contain iron, it's not the kind of iron absorbable by humans.

Besides, the whole is always greater than the sum of its parts.

Uncertain's picture

wow tha sounds like... my

wow tha sounds like... my life

and i totally get the 'skinny' and still starving thing
it's so hard to explain

625539's picture

we are cosmic sisters, i'm

we are cosmic sisters, i'm certain!

elph's picture

PMs closed...

Again? :(

Uncertain's picture

how do you close PMs?

how do you close PMs?

elph's picture

I wish I knew...

But Magic is able to accomplish the feat! Whether it's accidental (from all the modifications made to his profile page) or not... dunno.

Sometimes it's available... other times, not :(

625539's picture

account settings - uncheck

account settings - uncheck allow private messages
intentional, i like the way the profile looks much better with no private message link.

elph's picture

All for its appearance?

You are aware that this precludes the ability to communicate one-on-one (one-to-one in Canada?)?

Quietwarrior's picture

hmmm

well i went through a phrase a few years ago in which basically i tried to be anorexic. And failed. I knew nearly all of the calories of everything unhealthy and weighed myself all the time and thought even if i got it, then i would have something to tell later in my life. Its pretty stupid what i did and like a diet gave up on it. I would even go onto "slimmings world" website and find it entertaining! i am thin now and was then so i don't know why i did. it was i think just out of vanity i guess.

ChrisH1551's picture

Well...

I'm not going to tell you to not do any of this. It's your life, your body, do with it what you will. But I will tell you that this...slump that you're in....will eventually go away with time. I don't really know what it is making you think these things, and i haven't read any of your other blogs, but I can tell you from experience that it will get better. I can't tell you how long it will take, but it does get better than what's going on now. And when it does, you will regret anything you've done to yourself that is harmful. But if you want to, I can't stop you. I'm just a single voice. =/

625539's picture

but i'm not 12 anymore

but i'm not 12 anymore

ChrisH1551's picture

So?

What does being 12 have to do with anything?

625539's picture

meaning that i no longer

meaning that i no longer have this child-like hope/ignorance that things will simply go away, that things will get better. i felt this way at 12, at 13, at 14, at 15, at 16, at 17, and i still feel them as i am days to legal adulthood. sorry if i came across as rude.

ChrisH1551's picture

Ah..

Oh it's nothing. I'm 15 and I do have this sense that things can get better, but it seems to take months before I get even a second of bliss. :/ So I get where this whole feeling is coming from...