i've kept my journals to mostly semi-poetic writing for a bit, but i'm feeling the need to just vent about some issues i've been having, i'm just going to do this all in one fell swoop and then shut up about everything. promise.
i, essentially, have a perfect life. i'm doing well at school, i have friends who care about me, i get to choose my hours at work, i have the most wonderful boyfriend, ect. and for some reason, at the end of the day, i just never end up being happy.
and one of the main reasons for this is my body.
first, i have an extreme distaste for body hair. i really, really do. and whenever any appears i need to remove it immediately. i don't know why, i just hate it. it makes me feel disgusting, human, banal. ugly. part of it probably has to do with that ex-something who was obsessed with youth. regardless, i hate it.
second, i passionately hate the shape of my body. i truly wish i had a more androgynous shape. or, actually, just a thinner shape. no, not even thin. i want to be skeletal. i'm starting to sharply decrease the amounts i eat, to slowly try and get my body used to a very minimal diet. i'm seriously considering the ABC diet (i'm not posting any links or explanations as to what that is. do not ask me) even if it's dangerous. i'd change it a bit though, to allow myself to eat more, but the intent is the same. i'm somewhat weak-willed for dieting though. i've also been smoking more to cut my appetite, and i'm starting to do cardio to burn off excess foods.
all this, even though i'm not in any way fat, i'm quite thin according to most, and my BMI is 20. flesh just seems so useless.
you know how body-builders, extremely obese people or people who have a lot of cosmetic surgery done, seem almost... soulless? it's as though there's so much body (or plastic) that there's no room left for the soul. that's how i feel about myself - it has nearly nothing to do with exterior influence. it seems to me that the more my body would be reduced the more room there would be left for the soul. i don't know. it isn't logical. i just hate it.
next, is sex. my boyfriend and i still haven't taken part in it. partly because he is very off-and-on, but in the middle of action. he turns me on and is very suddenly disinterested, and this reinforces my disgust for my body. i know, though, at the same time, that this is caused by his own emotional issues, but in my mind i cannot help but associate it with myself.
more importantly though, is that roles have been reversed - he wishes to be bottom, for the first time. i have never been a top. and while i am in turn both very submissive and very dominant, i don't even think i'd be able to, emotionally.
see, it's easy to submit yourself to one you love, but it is very hard for me to accept submission from one so pure when i am so vile and filthy. i am unworthy. and everyone who's performed the act on me has been cruel in their treatment of me otherwise, and the last i want to do is cause him pain.
by the way, i'd really appreciate if no one left comments such as «don't do/say this, you're a wonderful person, you'll feel better, whatever». i'm not trying to get people to feel sorry for me. remember, most of you don't know me at all outside of this website, while i'm certain my presence on here is appreciated you do not actually care about the biological entity really sitting behind a screen. i invite you all, however, to share your own insecurities or to challenge or create dialogue about some ideas i've put forward here.