I just found a list, made especially for people like me by the college I will be attending next year, of all the unisex restrooms on campus.
Not only is this very good news in itself, it also bodes fair for the school's entire attitude toward gender-variant people.
So.... Visited the college today....
The whole college thing is just intimidating. Downright scary, actually.
- I mean, finances. I have money, in some mystery account of which I know nothing. It's not that I don't have money, it's that my idea of finance has always been taking cash out of a wallet stashed in my bedroom. Now I've got to electronically get money from the mystery account to a 'real' bank account and pay bills to the university and such, I don't even know what and I certainly don't know how. So that's a bit overwhelming in itself.
- Next, food. I didn't know, before, that the dormitory buildings don't have, like, big communal kitchens fully equipped with refrigerator, stove, oven, communal pots and pans, et cetera. Nor is there a cafeteria-type setting wherein everyone convenes and gets food and eats it in a big mess-hall type place. Apparently the food situation involves going out to eat, every meal. Maybe you can have a bowl of cereal at your desk in the morning, as there's a miniature refrigerator in the bedroom, but that's about it. This is unpleasant to me. I like real food. I like eating off a plate, at a table, with a jug of milk near at hand to refill my glass, and cleaning up afterward. I like that. I've lived without a kitchen before, and I don't like that.
- Next, the dormitory situation itself. I don't know just what I was expecting, but now the sheer gender-segregation of it overwhelms me. Each corridor houses fifty people, all of the same sex, and they share a bathroom. I haven't used a women's bathroom for quite a while, and I would rather not start doing it again anytime soon. I don't know what I'd do in the dormitories - tell everyone the truth about my gender issues? tell them some lie, maybe that I'm intersexed or something? go on living as a girl, or back to living as a girl? I don't like any of the options.
I talked to my mother about a lot of these things. I'm not sure how well that all went. I'm sure she still doesn't get it about the whole gender thing, not even all that I've told her, which isn't all. I've made it as far as 'I'm not a boy or a girl mentally, but I want to stay as a girl physically,' but not yet made it to 'I want to be a boy socially, because society doesn't accept neither and I really don't want to be a girl socially,' and I don't know when or how I ever will. Today was a good opportunity, but I didn't take it.
I don't think I'm up to summarising all that passed between my mother and me today. I don't understand it all, I certainly don't remember it all, et cetera. But ultimately I think it came down to her giving the general idea of 'It would be easier for everyone if you got back in the closet and started acting like a girl, even a lesbian.'
She wants to accept me, I think, but it's hard. Gender variance may be the thing of which she is least tolerant. My parents are still better than most, but even so. Maybe I should just talk to her more about gender stuff, without applying it to me just yet. Get her more familiar with the concepts and the vocabulary and all.
She said something about 'I think you've chosen the hardest thing to be. Like, everything else is so easy for you, you needed a challenge.' ...That may very well be a little bit true. I hope that doesn't make my condition any less legitimate, though.