It's like sucking on a dildo 24/7

swimmerguy's picture

So, I've got a new orthodontic thing. And it sucks.
Or rather, right now, I'm sucking. On it. Like a dildo.
Usually my orthodontist is just content to take our money and do nothing.
But now he actually wants to torture me as well.

So, basically what the procedure is, is my problem was my top teeth in the front were angled backwards, and pushed my bottom jaw back into my head, which is bad.
So, they gave me 2 retainers. There's a top one, with a little block of plastic on either side, in the back of my mouth, between my teeth.
Then there's a bottom one, with a little block on each side in the front.
So, basically, my mouth doesn't close because there's a total of 4 blocks that are holding my 2 jaws apart by about a centimeter, these 4 blocks in between my top and bottom teeth.
AND, the end result is the top blocks in the back push forward on the bottom blocks in the front, and I do this for 6 months, and magically and wonderfully, my bottom jaw rises from the mist, i.e. comes forward so I don't end up with a receded bottom jaw someday.

So, this is terrible, because my teeth are now seperated, in theory 24/7 for 6 months, they'll never come into contact.
My tongue is completely surrounded in plastic.
And it is quite painful, partly because of how the retainers use my teeth to brace, but mostly because it's pulling my jaw out of my head, it's stretching all my muscles and all that good stuff.

And I really, REALLY don't like this.
For one, it costs a bunch of money, like 300$ for the retainers.
And, it's making minute changes to my mouth I don't even like. When I look in the mirror now with my bottom jaw all pushed forward I'm reminded of either a frog puffing it's cheeks while croaking, or someone like Quentin Tarentino, who has a very broad jawline,
And I REALLY hate it, I think I look way worse than usual.

So, other than them being expensive and incredibly unpleasant appliances to make minute adjustments to my body that I don't even like, I'm also theoretically supposed to eat with them in.
Which, I can tell you already, I won't.
I would like to get this over with as quick as possible, but I can't do it.
Try to imagine, I don't think it's even that hard, that on 2 teeth on each side of your top and bottom jaw, so a total of 8 teeth, get little plastic extensions on them so they're a little taller, and when you try to bite down, only those little plastic extensions meet, the rest of your mouth is seperated by about a centimeter.
And then imagine trying to eat with those blocks, totally smooth and flat.
I think it's literally impossible to do and be sure of not choking yourself.

And not only that, but it takes most of the joy from eating, which I realize only now I've been taking for granted.
For one, it sucks to not be chewing with the real teeth that are a part of you.
And also, it takes away most of the flavor of the food.
It just sucks so I can't do it. I will suck on this massive dildo, but I will not eat with it in.

EDIT: Oh, I almost forgot to mention. You know what would be tragic? If in somtime between now and October I find some hot boy to kiss, only to have it RUINED by this dildo. Like my first kiss, and then either it's ruined by the dildo, because I really can't open my mouth really, or the romance is completely taken and it gets really awkward while I have to say "wait, hold on" and then reach inside my mouth, and take out the 2 retainers and put them away, THEN we make out.

Comments

Dracofangxxx's picture

I love how you call it "the dildo"

and yeah, I hate orthodontistry stuff. Unless my teeth are so assbackwards that they're going to fuck my mouth up big time, I DON'T CARE if they're a few millimeters off!

Big waste of money/time for something most people don't even look at D: My ortho gave me a retainer a few years ago... I think I lost it. Anyways, I never wear it anymore, and I've never gone back in XD
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Amazingly offensive <3

swimmerguy's picture

YOU

HAVE TO SEE IT TOMORROW. LET ME SHOW YOU MY DILDO.

And how am I supposed to make out with Blue Boy with this thing in my mouth? :P

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xt5ghXdq6Z0&safe_search=on

Dracofangxxx's picture

He'll find a way... ;)

And I think the better question is, how are you supposed to give him head with that thing in your mouth!? ;D
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Amazingly offensive <3

swimmerguy's picture

Ugh...

It'd be WAY uncomfortable for me, and WAY less comfortable for him.
It needs to be done away with.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xt5ghXdq6Z0&safe_search=on

Nanook's picture

Welcome to medicine in the

Welcome to medicine in the 21st Century of the United States! You think $300 is bad per retainer? Try $3,000 to breath into a fucking tube to see if I have asthma. Granted my pain lasted an hour, and yours is set to last six months, but it's still outrageously expensive. It still fucking blows dude.

elph's picture

Welcome back...

You've been missed...

HannahPajama's picture

My retainer is pretty cool,

My retainer is pretty cool, mostly cause it's zebra stripes. But braces were pretty nice to me. Before I looked like a rural Chinese girl working in the fields, now I have actress-like teeth. It wasn't a vanity thing though, it was cause I had macrodont in one of my bottom left teeth so they had to remove both the baby and the adult tooth, and then they needed a way to make sure that my teeth didn't shift into the empty space and become a painful trainwreck.
:D
6 months will be over before you know it!