So I'm 17 now.
Big deal right? yeah.
I just recently started smoking pot again.
It's been too fucking long lol.
Of course Christina isn't too happy about it.
But I'm doing it more for the relaxed, chilled out feeling that I hardly ever feel anymore.
My anxiety has been getting worse (before i started up again).
My mind is hardly ever NOT racing.
And i needed to keep myself sane.
I know it's bad, and very looked down upon.
But i honestly feel normal when I'm high.
Not stoned, but high.
Mind not racing.
I know some people say it isn't the best for dealing with anxiety, but i honestly don't want to take meds.
I've been avoiding that for so long.
It's the reason i haven't told my parents about my anxiety.
I was thinking of getting a medical card when I turn 18.
I'm not sure yet though.
Until then, I will continue to do it illegally.
But damn, it's friggin' expensive.
I kinda messed around with a guy.
big shock huh?
i was going through one of those moments (after a fight with christina of course) where i just didnt care about anything.
those are the moments when i use people to distract me from my life.
we didnt fuck.
although we almost did.
had i been drunk or stoned i might have.
i was thinking of christina the whole time.
kissing him was really weird though. completely different than kissing a girl.
i didnt get the tingles and butterflies i ALWAYS get.
we dont talk anymore. he's an asshole lol.
i really do regret messing around with him.
and i feel weird when i think of it.
i haven't told christina.
i worry about what she will think of me.
i ask her sometimes, what she would say if i told her i was with a guy.
her reactions make me not want to tell her all that much more.
shit between us isnt all that great.
we mess around, but it only goes so far.
im left wanting more.
she wont give me any.
she's confused about how she feels about what's going on between us.
i tell her i love her and i mean it.
i think i mean it more than she does.
she worries of me getting attached and that's why she doesnt put out.
but what she doesnt seem to understand is that i will always get attached.
i will always get hurt in the end.
so why not make it worthwhile?