One Year Ago

MacAvity's picture

An exact copy of the Gmail chat between me and Leigh on the Wednesday of STAR Testing week, 2010, completely unaltered except for the names. I hate everything about it. Everything.

4:43 PM Leigh: ?
4:44 PM Me: I percieve in you so excellent a touch of modesty that you will not extort from me that which I am willing to keep in.
Therefore it charges me in manners the rather to express myself.
Go on. Ask your questions.
4:45 PM Leigh: How are you feeling?
Me: Less than before.
Leigh: :P
What means your status?
4:46 PM Me: The time with you helped so much. The whole situation seems almost stupid now. Thank you.
Leigh: ?
Me: As to the status: sort of deadened. I'll get over it.
Telling you will help.
4:47 PM Leigh: I figured that's what it meant. Wasn't entirely sure, though.
Tell me, then, whatever you see fit.
Me: I need questions. I'm sorry.
Leigh: Straight to the point questions or non?
4:48 PM Me: Whichever you like.
Leigh: I don't much prefer, so how about this:
Why are you are you unhappy right now?
4:49 PM Me: Because something painful I was planning to do eventually happened sooner than I had intended.
It would have been just as bad, if not worse, however, had it happened when I had intended.
4:50 PM Leigh: Tell me what you speak of.
What planned you?
4:51 PM Me: Should I continue being vague? part of me wants to.
Leigh: If you want to keep me guessing, that is entirely your prerogative. I am willing to listen regardless of how the information is presented.
4:52 PM Me: I don't mean to make you guess. I'm just uncomfortable.
Leigh: I can understand that.
Me: Although I am interested to know what you would have guessed...
Leigh: Remain as vague as you wish.
Shall I ask you another question?
4:53 PM Me: Yes.
Leigh: How's this: Why would this thing have possibly resulted in something different had it occurred at a different time?
4:57 PM Me: Sorry, I had to answer the phone.
The question?
Leigh: Sure.
Why would this thing have possibly resulted in something different had it occurred at a different time?
4:58 PM Me: Not significantly different.
5:00 PM Leigh: Sorry, my computer just did something weird.
5:01 PM Do you mean not significantly different in time or...
Me: Not significantly different result.
Leigh: Hm.
5:02 PM When did this happen?
5:03 PM Me: Just after I saw you, at lunch.
5:04 PM Leigh: I'm sorry.
Me: About what?
Leigh: That I didn't wait.
Me: Why would you?
5:05 PM You had to finish your test. Neither of us had any idea that I would very soon need you for comfort and consolation.
5:09 PM Leigh: How did you manage the rest of school?
Me: I attended. I sat. I managed.
5:12 PM Leigh: What didn't go according to plan?
Anything other that the timing?
Me: The general execution of plan. I wasn't ready.
5:13 PM Leigh: Were you planning to do it today at all?
5:14 PM Me: No. I was planning on several weeks from now.
Leigh: I see.
What's happening several weeks from now?
5:15 PM Me: The end of the school year. Graduation.
5:17 PM Leigh: Will you need any help passing through any possible circumstances of early execution?
Me: Not so much help as just cooperation. Once you know what's going on it will be easy.
5:18 PM Leigh: I shall cooperate however you require.
Will you excuse me for a moment?
5:19 PM Me: Yes.
13 minutes
5:32 PM Leigh: Thank you for waiting.
Me: It is your patience, not mine, that deserves to be commended.
5:33 PM My vagueness, skirting the issue, wanting to tell you but wanting you to ask me first must be utterly infuriating.
Leigh: Not really.
But if it makes you feel any better I can be direct.
Me: Okay. Go.
5:34 PM Leigh: What happened that causes you such grief?
Me: It started this morning, actually.
In the middle of a conversation with Her, I panicked.
I ran away.
5:35 PM Just said a few broken words that made no sense, and ran for it.
Ran until She couldn't see me anymore.
Couldn't find me.
And then She knew.
5:36 PM Leigh: What happened at lunch?
5:37 PM Me: She caught me.
Leigh: She caught you what?
Me: Just caught me.
I couldn't hide.
I came so close to trying.
5:38 PM I would have, if there had been a convenient shrub or somesuch.
Leigh: What did she say?
5:39 PM Me: Asked.
And I had to tell.
I had been planning never to see her again after I told her, that's why I had planned it for when I had.
5:41 PM Leigh: What did she know?
Me: Take a guess.
5:45 PM Not guessing?
5:46 PM Leigh: I fear to.
With any guess to anything comes fear.
Me: I know.
It's cruel and subconscious of me, but I suppose I'm trying to make you as uncomfortable as I am.
5:47 PM I take it you have a guess? It's unlikely to be worse than the truth.
5:49 PM Leigh: What if I have more than one guess?
5:50 PM Me: Make them all.
Leigh: First of all, She is Gray.
with an e, I think
Me: Correct.
On both counts.
5:51 PM Leigh: She's made you uncomfortable for some time now, and you couldn't contain it today.
Me: Aso correct.
Also, sorry.
Leigh: Now here comes the part that gives me grief:
The ever-stinging 'Why.'
5:52 PM Me: Gives you grief?
Leigh: In that I
Me: (Italics on the you)
Leigh: can't decide which guess there
I mean, I fear for my guesses
I can't decide which of the,
5:53 PM Shall I guess?
Me: Well, make them all. I assure you, you won't be far off.
Leigh: Grey's been asking recently about prom.
5:55 PM And, that's (among other things) been making you uncomfortable. When she asked the other day, there was something awkward about the way it was asked.
Excuse me for a moment, though
I'm cold
I'm putting on a sweatshirt
5:56 PM In her asking she seemed to be making light (perhaps) of something that wasn't her business.
Am I getting closer?
5:57 PM Me: Actually, I'm surprised. I don't really know where you're going with this. Go on.
6:00 PM Leigh: Am I going to my other guess, then?
Me: I'd like to hear the end of the first one, if that's all right.
Leigh: There's something about her and Solace, perhaps, that really makes you uncomfortable.
6:01 PM Me: Something being what, specifically.
I mean, specifically?
6:03 PM ?
Leigh: I'm rather confused right now,
give me a minute
Me: Okay...
7 minutes
6:11 PM Leigh: I have realized, to a much greater degree than I had before, that any one of my theories could end awkwardly, particularly if incorrect.
What do you WANT me to say, and why are you making me guess?
Me: I want you to guess because I'm extremely uncomfortable with the subject myself.
6:12 PM Also because I want to know what you've been wondering, since I know my behavior in relation to this subject has been bizarre and perplexing, and I wish to identify and clear up any misconceptions you may have.
And questions.
6:13 PM Leigh: So if I'm frank, you promise no repercussions will occur?
Me: Absolutely.
6:16 PM Leigh: Theory number one: You have feelings for Solace
Theory number two: You have feelings for Grey
Theory number three: You have feelings for me
Theory number four: You feel hatred towards Grey
If I'm not on your wavelength, I apologize VERY, VERY, VERY much. I'm sorry, and please keep hold on your promise.
6:17 PM Me: Okay, not sure where Theory Number Three fits in.
6:18 PM Leigh: I can explain my thoughts later. But for the love of God and yourself, will you tell me what's going on?
Me: Okay. Here goes.
6:19 PM Somehow, without being physically attracted to her in any way, I ended up involuntarily falling into a big crush on Grey.
Leigh: Okay.
6:20 PM Me: Solace pisses me off, mostly because I'm jealous of all the attention he gets from her - not the snogging, mind, just the attention.
And I still want to know about Theory Number Three - how did you get that from the present subject?
6:21 PM Leigh: First of all, there was the matter of the prom.
I still find it awkward somehow how the other day it was asked if we were going, and if so would one of us get Brian a ticket.
6:22 PM I can't place what about that is so awkward, but there it is, something bugs me about the question and time.
6:27 PM Next came the fact that she's one of the only people I can think of that you talk to, and possibly seriously, but aren't perpetually amongst.
Surely if she had been flogging and flaunting the fact that she and Solace are a couple in the way she and him tend to do when they're together, it would have gotten really awkward for you having to keep the hypothetical alibi of you and I being only friends. As she would chat about what a wonderful time she might be having, you would be thinking to yourself the words 'Stop rubbing it in, BITCH.'
6:32 PM And then, when you asked for me to hold your hand today, if you had been forced to admit it in front of her, particularly if there were other people around and you had been embarrassed in front of a group, surely you might want to make a statement. However, this point could fit into any of the theories, or not at all. And I'm not bothered that you asked me. When I'm sad I often want someone to hold to as well.
6:34 PM When my mind works, my mind races. When I think of something, it doesn't always mean I believe it, but you can't undo a thought. Whether or not I believe something has nothing to with whether or not I have a thought. It's just the curse of...well...ME.
6:35 PM Me: Understood.
6:36 PM Leigh: So what happened? How did Grey react, or even bring up the subject?
Me: Well, like I said. It started this morning when I panicked.
6:37 PM Ran away. Like I said.
I was hoping to avoid her for the rest of the day, at least, but she found me.
Leigh: I mean at lunch.
When she found you.
6:38 PM Me: Well, she was pretty straightforward. Uncomfortable, but straightforward.
She sort of cornered me -
I mean, I couldn't run or hide, because of the location -
not that I didn't look around for escape routes as soon as I heard her.
6:39 PM She called out to me before I saw her, see.
Then she told me she had sort of had an epiphany - not in those words, I don't remember the words -
6:40 PM and understood (she thought) why I always acted so awkward around her.
I sort of froze up.
Stammered even worse than usual.
To the general effect of "Why?" but in about fifteen syllables.
6:42 PM Then she did the whole disclaimer thing - "I don't want this to sound weird - I don't want to offend you or anything - Don't take this in a bad way -"
You know. Just like you did.
6:43 PM And...I knew there was no escape whatsoever. No hope of keeping it until I could tell her and never have to see her again. And I would have run for it again if she had been a little further off. If there had been space.
6:44 PM So she said, "Do me?"
I knew what she meant, of course.
6:45 PM But the answer was so complicated. I mean, there's casual like. Then there's crush like, which is what she meant, but crush like generally involves some physical attraction.
So, not wanting to be rude ("no, I don't like you" - see, rude)
6:46 PM Or misunderstood,
I stalled.
"Like in what way?"
"Like like."
6:47 PM More mumbling. Stammering. I'm not even sure what I said. My mind doesn't seem to function quite normally around her. Especially not when I'm trapped like that.
"Like crush like." (her)
6:48 PM I think I was actually able to answer that one reasonably well, albeit with much stammering et cetera.
6:49 PM "In a purely emotional way. I mean, I'm not physically attracted to you, but, yes, all the other symptoms of a crush."
Only with more dashes, ellipsis, and maybe apostrophes.
6:50 PM I don't really remember the details, to be honest. She said she did want to be friends with me -
6:51 PM I'm still not sure why - what does she like about me? Why me? I mean, she likes everybody, as far as I can tell, but there are some people even she doesn't know, why did she single me out of all the random Precalculus classmates with whom she wasn't acquainted?
I mean - let me continue digressing -
6:52 PM Leigh: Go ahead
6:53 PM Me: First day of school. Last year. First period. Completely opposite sides of the classroom. As far apart as two desks could be. Thirtysome people in that room and even she can't possibly have known all of them, so why was I the one she confronted after class and introduced herself to?
6:54 PM Why me?
(If you have any answer to that I will pause in my narrative, otherwise I'll return from my digression)
6:55 PM Leigh: Because you're brilliant/
Me: Not around her I'm not!
Besides, I gave no evidence of being brilliant that day anyway.
Leigh: Yes, you are. And you probably did.

These messages were sent while you were offline.

7:03 PM Leigh: Listen, she knows you're smart. She knows you're talented. I think you're gonna have to buck up and admit that are one of the brightest minds of the twenty-first century. All around you, people are making stupid mistakes every day. What are you doing? Climbing rocks. Battling the wits of textbooks. Fencing. Plotting. Quoting pieces of literature that are so high and well-written that if any of these people could quit taking drugs long enough to have a chance to really see what true art, in any form, in literature and whatever else they avoid, despise, and loathe; they would want to be you. It's rare to have such talent as yours as to be good at things. You know what things are, you know what animals are, and nature, and weaponry, and literature, and battle tactics, and prose. These are the things that people avoid because they can't see the beauty in them. You see it without breaking a sweat. Or concentration. They should all envy you, MacAvity. You can do and see what they cannot, and if I could say one thing right now, it's that Grey does too. She's smart. But you're brilliant.
7:24 PM Are you feeling all right? Or, at least, any better? I'm sorry to cut off your rant, but you wanted answers. Grey is one of those people who singles out brilliant people in the classroom. You and I both know that there's something wonderfully off about her, so she must be psychic. Are you all right?

8:22 PM Me: You still there?
Leigh: Yeeep.
Me: I just read what you wrote.
Leigh: Did you?
Me: Thank you.
8:23 PM That has to be one of the nicest things anybody has ever said to me.
Leigh: Shucks.
Well, you deserve it.
Hopefully you're feeling better.
8:24 PM Me: I hardly even want to discuss it after reading that.
And I want you to know this:
8:27 PM That however my stupid teenage emotions and my lingering messed-uppedness over Lily may have given me feelings for Grey, she is nothing to me compared to you. There is a long list of wonderful descriptions I could use to enumerate your positive characteristics, but most importantly to me, I love you in a way that makes me happy, rather than frustrated, awkward, or sad, to be with you.
8:28 PM Leigh: Thank you very much.
So, did you have dinner?
8:29 PM Me: Yes. That's why I was gone for such a ridiculously long time.
I left so suddenly because I had to answer the phone.
It was her.
But if you're done talking about her, that's fine.
8:30 PM Leigh: I don't care, really.
I just want to know what you had for dinner. You always get good food. But, if the call comes first in the series of events, then do tell.
8:31 PM Me: You really care what I had for dinner?
Leigh: Whenever I ask, it's something REALLY GOOD. That's why I ask so often. I salivate over the wonderful cooking you tell me about.
8:32 PM Me: Well, tonight it was Macaroni and Cheese. Nothing special. The food my cousin Bryan eats. Not even the fancy kind.
Leigh: Eeew.
That's not very exciting.
Me: Edible, but no, not exciting.
8:33 PM Leigh: Is your cousin here?
Me: No.
Leigh: Okay, then, so tell me of the phone cal.
8:34 PM Me: Well, much of it was filled with awkward silence.
Most of the rest with disjointed babbling.
She felt guilty, I guess. I don't know why.
8:35 PM I asked her why she had noticed me to begin with.
She said I looked like I needed a friend. And like I wouldn't ignore her.
8:36 PM I can't imagine anybody ignoring her.
Leigh: Yeah, well, you can't imagine anybody disliking me, either.
Me: I don't know why I was giving off "need a friend" vibes, either. I had you and Regi and a few more casual acquaintances.
8:37 PM I can't imagine anyone who knows you disliking you, no.
Except that some people are just jerks.
Leigh: Exactly.
Same applies to her.
And to Rissa.
And to you.
Me: Rissa?
8:38 PM Rissa doesn't have universal popularity?
Is't possible?
Leigh: If you promise not to tell anyone, let
's just say:
8:39 PM She's had the epitome, king, and crown jewel of douche boyfriends.
And we'll leave it at that.
Trust me.
Me: Okay...
Leigh: Continue with your story.
Me: What story?
Was there a story?
8:40 PM Leigh: You were in the middle of talking when I interrupted you.
Me: Remind me.
Leigh: Here, I'll scroll up..
8:41 PM You were mentioning that you were surprised at Grey's reasoning.
Me: Reasoning?
Leigh: For singling you out.
Me: Oh. Well, not so much surprised, I guess.
Leigh: Anyway, keep going.
8:42 PM Me: About the phone call?
Or at lunch?
I don't think I ever finished about lunchtime.
8:43 PM Leigh: Sorry.
Computer wigged out.
What happened next/
Me: Next when?
Leigh: After you asked her why and she said why.
8:44 PM Me: Oh, I don't remember. It was very difficult. Mostly I just said "sorry" and "I don't know" many times in various contexts.
Leigh: How did it all enfd?
Me: At some point I somehow ended up telling her about Lily.
8:45 PM Leigh: sorry
Me: It ended when I had to go eat dinner. Conveniently, after a very long and extremely awkward and somewhat sniffly silence.
8:46 PM Leigh: She's not mad at you, y'know.
Me: Is she even capable of being mad at anyone?
Leigh: That is a good question.
8:48 PM Me: If she were capable, there are several - at least a couple - times when she would have been mad at me. So I don't think she is.
Leigh: Hmm.
Me: Capable, I mean.
Leigh: oftpt
Me: I'm not sure how it's possible.
Enjoy your toast.
8:50 PM Leigh: Grey, Mr Choir Teacher, and I need to teach you rook.
With Osborne's rules, it really is the greatest card game EVER.
This is what we did on the tour bus.
8:51 PM Me: I'll try. I don't generally play or like card games, but I think you can persuade me.
Leigh: TRUST ME. If you like any game at all, you oughta like this'n.
But only with Mr Choir Teacher's rule.
8:52 PM Without it, it's only a little bit better than Hearts.
Still good, but not WONDERFUL.
8:53 PM Yep.
Are you going to change that status of yours now?
You seem to be a bit better.
Me: Good point.
8:54 PM Leigh: Good.
So when are we getting together to watch Dr. Horrible?
8:55 PM We didn't end up getting to watch it on the bus.
For various reasons.
Me: Rook.
Being the main reason, yes?
Leigh: That was only the reason once.
But that was the reason when I had a blatant opportunity
So yes, I suppose
Me: On the Latin bus we watched a Charlie Chaplin movie.
8:56 PM Leigh: Nice!
Was it funny?
Me: Heck yes. Silent comedy just works well.
Have you ever seen Mr Bean?
Leigh: No, but I've heard of him/
Me: Nearly silent, completely hilarious.
Leigh: .
The opening of WALL-E.
8:57 PM Yes?
Me: I don't remember.
I just know that Bean is, in being silent and funny, the Charlie Chaplin of color.
And when he does speak
8:58 PM (generally not more than a word or two an episode)
Leigh: What
Me: his voice is this croak.
What what?
Leigh: You paused
8:59 PM Me: Oh.
Leigh: So you think he's very funny.
Me: What were you saying before I interrupted.
9:00 PM Leigh: Another reason we didn't get to watch it is because Sam Bravo, who brought all the other movies, skipped over it (purposefully) when he was reading off the films.
Normally I like Sam
But that was really rude.
Me: Didn't like the word "Sing-Along," or just wanted to watch one of his movies?
9:01 PM Leigh: Perhaps both. I think it was because he wasn't familiar with it,
Me: The "Sing-Along" can put people off.
Leigh: .
But it's not a sing-along.
Me: One doesn't know that from the title, though.
Leigh: And there were several people on the bus, INCLUDING Grey, who wanted to watch it.
Grey petitioned just as hard for it to Osborne as I did.
Me: Wherefore the capitals?
9:02 PM Has she seen it?
Leigh: I can't remember.
Yes, she has.
She loves it.
Everyone who had seen it on the bus wanted to watch it.
I'm bringing it next year.
Me: Oy?
9:03 PM Leigh: Just after the ruckus I made on the bus trying to get Mr Choir Teacher to watch it...
And when he finally let me, he said it was the movie or Rook.
Not both.
I chose Rook, because I don't have access to a full game of it at home.
9:04 PM Games require players and cards.
And fun.
9:05 PM Me: Well, to answer the original question:
Leigh: Unfortunately not.
Me: Okay...
Leigh: BIIIIIIIIIIG Church thinig with one of the funnies bands ever.
Me: Oh?
Do tell.
Leigh: Next weekend, perhaps?
9:06 PM Me: Next after this coming?
Leigh: Yes.
Me: Unlikely, but possible.
I'm probably in Thousand Oaks.
Leigh: Well, we'll figure out something.
they're called Lost & Found.
9:07 PM They're a Christian band who write their own lyrics and improvise on the stage.
Me: That does sound interesting.
Leigh: The great thing about Christian Bands, too, is you can actually talk to them after the show.
9:08 PM They man their own merchandise booths, you can approach and speak with them.
Lost & Found has a lot of in-jokes, too.
Often placed on T-Shirts.
9:09 PM Here, I'll find you some pictures.
9:10 PM Then again, Christian T-Shirts have the best slogans anyway.\
They have one that reads: Stein auf!
9:11 PM Me: Do I know what Stein auf is?
Leigh: They went to another country and tried to tell the audience how we Americans say 'Rock on!'
Me: Oh.
Leigh: So they taught them Stein Aug!
Me: I see.
Leigh: Stein Auf
9:12 PM Later, they found that Stein Auf literally translates to 'stone on top of.'
Me: Yup.
Leigh: And then they have one that has a picture of a scone on it.
Me: They want rock the verb, not rock the noun.
A scone?
Leigh: It reads 'scone on.'
Me: I don't get it.
9:13 PM Leigh: So, whenever someone walks up to you and asks 'what's 'scone on?'' you can reply 'not much, what's scone on with you?'
Me: Aha! That's funny.
But I must be going to bed. Sorry.
Leigh: See ya! Good night!
9:14 PM Me: Good night.


ferrets's picture

im sorry!

i tired to read through it all, but about half way through me avoid-internet-text-wall-syndrome kicked in and made me scroll to the bottom and write this.

"A loving man and woman in a committed relationship can marry. Dogs, no matter what their relationship, are not allowed to marry. How should society treat gays and lesbians in committed relationships? As dogs or as humans?"

MacAvity's picture

That's okay, the first half

That's okay, the first half is the important part anyway. The second half I especially hate because it just goes into discussion of the most stupid trivial things. I don't know whether Leigh was trying to lighten the mood or whether he just can't stay serious for long. Thanks for reading any of it at all.

elph's picture

STAR 2010?

This conversation has been lying dormant for nearly a full year?

MacAvity's picture


I didn't have Oasis a year ago. I posted it now because this is the one-year anniversary.

625539's picture

"Listen, she knows you're

"Listen, she knows you're smart. She knows you're talented. I think you're gonna have to buck up and admit that are one of the brightest minds of the twenty-first century. All around you, people are making stupid mistakes every day. What are you doing? Climbing rocks. Battling the wits of textbooks. Fencing. Plotting. Quoting pieces of literature that are so high and well-written that if any of these people could quit taking drugs long enough to have a chance to really see what true art, in any form, in literature and whatever else they avoid, despise, and loathe; they would want to be you. It's rare to have such talent as yours as to be good at things. You know what things are, you know what animals are, and nature, and weaponry, and literature, and battle tactics, and prose. These are the things that people avoid because they can't see the beauty in them. You see it without breaking a sweat. Or concentration. They should all envy you, MacAvity. You can do and see what they cannot, and if I could say one thing right now, it's that Grey does too. She's smart. But you're brilliant."

do you hate even this part? i agree with her, from the limited perception of your person i get here on oasis.

MacAvity's picture


I loved it at the time. It's a little bit true, maybe even largely true. It's an overly flattering but not entirely inaccurate portrait of me. What I hate about it is that Leigh wrote it, honestly, and it helped me believe that he loved me, and it helped me love him all the more, and then three months later he started to flush all that love down the toilet. And I don't know why.

funnyflyby's picture

I am actually somewhat impressed with Leigh now.

And you, but I'm always impressed with you, so that goes without saying.

But really, Leigh was totally honest, pretty much kept up with your confusing-ness, wrote the paragraph Magic Fantastic quoted, and pretty much wasn't afraid to talk to you.

What went wronggggggggggg

(Oh, and Jayjay showed me Mr. Bean about a year and a half ago, and it is really funny. This did just make me want to watch Dr. Horrible even more, though :( )

I'm still mostly trying to figure out what I think of this.


MacAvity's picture


Sometimes I forget, now, why it was that I loved and trusted him so much. But rereading this chat reminded me, and made me wonder again and even more, what happened?

I'm ashamed of the second part of the chat, especially the bits about Bean and Dr Horrible, because it's just so stupid. But I posted it here anyway, to show how weirdly our conversation returned to normal levels of lightness...