Yesterday it was announced that prom will be a masquerade.
Seriously, I've been waiting for an occasion to wear my Venetian mask for four years.
Last year, before we broke up or even started having trouble, Leigh and I talked about going to prom in masquerade even though we assumed that masks would not be expected or maybe even allowed. I told him he had to go to prom, because it's senior prom and that only happens once, and he said that his sister also said that he had to go to prom, and then he said, 'If I do go, will you go with me?' So, our prom plans were set a year earlier than most people's. And, of course, a lot happens in a year. Like ending the friendship in a teenage-breakup-drama kind of way.
But I still have to go, and he still ought to go, and I wouldn't even be opposed to going with him if he were willing. But I don't want to talk to him until I know that the relatively satisfactory last conversation we had won't be replaced by a last conversation less appropriate to being the last. If there were some intermediary who could remove the possibility of talking without satisfactory results ('satisfactory results' being either we get back together or, my personal favorite option, we go to prom together and part forever on a sad-but-not-angry note), I might try...
To my great annoyance and confusion, Ladybug sort of casually asked me to prom yesterday. Like, casually enough that it seemed like she might just want to split a ticket, but not explicit enough to make me sure that she doesn't want to be, like, my prom date or something. I really, really don't want Ladybug to be my prom date. If it weren't prom, I'd humor her, because I'm too scared of hurting her to give her any indication that I just don't even like her, not even friendwise, and don't dislike her either. But - and maybe I'm just being excessively this-is-the-way-life-should-be again, as I seem to be rather a lot - it seems to me that prom-partners is a special sort of thing, like, when you're older, and even actually old, you'll look back and say, 'I went to prom with so-and-so,' even though you haven't seen so-and-so for fifty years or whatever, and have no idea where ey ended up. And I don't want to look back and say 'I went to prom with Ladybug, a girl I didn't even like.' I'd much rather say 'I went to prom with Leigh, my high school best friend, and that night we kissed for the first and only time and parted ways forever.' Heck, I'd rather say I went to prom with Jude than with Ladybug, although that idea definitely scares me.
For some reason I don't want to go with Regi, even though she offered. It's because Regi truly is 'just' a friend, but I don't know why that's an obstacle. And saying, 'I went to prom with Regi, my good friend since kindergarten,' doesn't sound too bad. I don't know.
Anyway... costume! My mask is black and silver and female and non-negotiable. Other than that, all I have is ideas. I know not whether I want to wear a dress and have prom be something to the effect of MacAvity's Last Night as a Girl, or try for maximum androgyny. I'm leaning toward maximum androgyny. So, female mask, male suit of some kind. I'm not sure how much I want to mess with gender beyond that. I thought about stuffing a bra, because my real breasts don't count because they wouldn't be at all discernible through a suit, so not stuffing a bra kind of comes to the same as binding. Fake breasts or not, I'll definitely be packing - I always am, now, just with a wad of cloth, I like it a lot. Regardless. I'm not sure whether the bra-stuffing thing would count as recursive crossdressing (which would be my preference) or as an assertion of female-ness despite the suit (which I don't want). I'm tempted to genderbend in terms of makeup somehow too, but I have no idea how.
Also I really like the idea of a cape. Like, it's a masquerade, I have a mask, I need a cape. Preferably black and silver. I could probably make one. Oh yes, I like this idea.
Anyway, I have a fair while left to think about all this stuff...