To Lily

MacAvity's picture

Hey.
Um...
Sorry. Yeah. I'm just super awkward. Sorry it's taken me this long to write back to you, too.
You asked how it's been a big year.
A big year - It's hard to believe it's been a year since we last met. A whole year? Only a year? I don't know whether the time seems long or short or both. Anyway, it's been a big year, as I mentioned. Where to begin?

Okay, I know where to begin, but how to say it?

...Okay. There was this girl. Her name is Grey. And, some time in April I think it was, less than a month after you came here, she was talking to me and I said something stupid and I panicked and ran away, just ran for it. And later that day she found me and asked me if I liked her like like like, you know, and... and I had to say that I did. I had known it for a while but never, never admitted it to anyone else, and so been half able to deny it to myself.

Then in June she graduated, and I found her after the ceremony, and said goodbye, forever, and told her I loved her. Because I did. There's something extremely special about her, indescribable, really. I don't know what it is. But even though she wouldn't even be leaving town, I knew - or decided - that we would never see each other again after she graduated. I knew we wouldn't be able to keep in touch, because you and I have barely managed to keep in touch and I hate that and I didn't want to just let her disappear without a chance for me to say goodbye and...everything. And I got sort of melodramatically depressed for a while after that - yes, I really was upset, but I exaggerated it, I'll admit. But I was changed - I'm not yet sure just how much...

And for the rest of June and half of July my mom and dad and brother and I were in Alaska, and when we were gone more changes happened: my mom's house was half demolished and a big remodel started, so even home was not the same as it had been. The whole layout is different now, and my room is still in the same place but in all other ways completely changed from what it had been since I was, oh, nine years old or so.

Then - Do you remember my friend Leigh, whom I've mentioned to you a few times? Everything between him and me started to fall apart that day in June. I scared him away, he wasn't there for me when I needed him. He tried, after we got back from Alaska, but I think he just didn't like the new sad me. He distanced himself from me, made other friends, while I distanced myself from him and wallowed in my melodramatic grief. When I was ready to come back to him, he didn't want me back. We tried to work it out, several times, but in early December we had one final breakup scene, and we haven't spoken to each other since. Each had at some point known that we would kiss, the first kiss for each of us, but that certainty never came true and never will.

It was not until, oh, September, maybe, that I started to seriously acknowledge the idea that my feelings for Grey might actually mean that I'm not straight. It's odd, really, that I came out to Grey and to Leigh before I came out to myself. But I got there eventually, and gathered knowledge by joining my school's Gay-Straight Alliance club and by reading books in secret in the library. The books led me, eventually, to an online community for queer kids, where I made a few dear new friends and learned to embrace my not-straight-ness.

I called myself gay for a while, and got used to the idea, but now I don't think that's what I am. Asexual is probably a better word, since even toward Grey my attraction was solely emotional, not physical.

I've been questioning my gender, too. Moving away from being a girl and toward I know not what. Maybe I'm just trying to lose that aspect of myself after having lost so much else, but this feels like more than that, I think. I know I don't want to change my body, but I do want to at least try living as a boy socially. I'm almost there, really.

At the turn of the new year, just as I was starting - just starting - to recover from Leigh leaving me and probably still not completely recovered from everything else, came the worst change of all. Dunno died. We came back from Christmas vacation and he was dead.

Other things have happened this year, too. Changes, events. Small things, comparatively. A lot of good, perhaps a few bad, all too insignificant to recount here. I turned eighteen, as you know. Nothing's changed because of that. And it's weird - in spite of all these changes, and all this bad stuff that's happened this year, I've been feeling pretty good for a while. Appreciating the weather, stopping to look at flowers, noticing the little good things without even trying. So, yeah, it's been a big year. It's been a big, bad year. But I'm okay.

Okay, enough about me. What news with you?