Whatever happened to Evermore?

MacAvity's picture

It's been four months to the day since Leigh and I broke up. I don't think that's long enough, but I'm going to talk to him tomorrow. Because I need to buy prom tickets this week before prices go up. He agreed a year ago that he would go with me, and I hope he keeps to that word. If we never see each other again after prom, I'll be all right with that.

If he won't be my prom date, I'll curse him with the words 'Whatever happened to Evermore?' because those have particular personal significance, even though evermore is no longer what I want.

Edit, 5 April 2011, afternoon.

Between first period and second I found him and spoke. I said, 'Hey... Leigh... Hi. Hello. I know, we haven't spoken in four months, but I'm speaking to you now to ask whether you would still be willing to come to prom with me.' He said, 'I don't think I can afford it.' I said, 'I can probably pay for both.' He said, 'I'll have to think about it.'

I found him again at lunch and he said that he didn't want to go to prom, not with anyone. I explained my reasons for wanting him to be my partner; I think he understood. He would not be persuaded, he said he would not. It remained only to say goodbye. I didn't use the line I had planned, not only because I did not want evermore but because it implied a sort of blame, a promise broken on his part, which I'm not sure there was. We just stood in silence for long stretches at a time, punctuated occasionally by brief awkward confused bits of speech. He didn't think it would be the last time we ever spoke. I think it would have been if I could have found the right parting words or the right gesture or anything right. But we parted when class began. He said, 'I can't help you, I really can't.' I said, 'I know.' He said, 'I don't have any closure for you.' I said, 'I know. I don't have any either. He said, 'I've got to go.' I said, 'So do I.'

So I'll probably speak to him again, because those shouldn't be our last words. Maybe at graduation - how appropriate, no? because of what I did last year at graduation - I'll just say, purely and simply, 'Goodbye.'

We'll never kiss. I know that now, as surely as I had once known that we would. He repulses me now, even though I'm no longer angry at him. I don't quite forgive him, but I'm not angry. I don't want him anymore, and haven't for a while - all that I wanted for the past however-long was purely for old times' sake. I wish I had better journals of our five years together - two years very close, I thought - because I can scarce remember what I saw in him. I did love him once. Now he's gone, almost as if he'd never been. Almost.