A(nother) long, depressing, emotional rant - just what Oasis needs. Bear with me, my gay PMS is kicking in.
I've been feeling pathetic lately, likely due to the fact that I've been so involved with my boyfriend that I've neglected my friendships. Likely due to the fact that whenever someone shows me the least bit of kindness or compassion or love I cling to them. And I've been insecure as always.
I argued with the boyfriend this weekend. We were getting ready because my mother was to take pictures of us (as requested by his mother, who wanted a photo of us for her office) and, comparing myself to him I felt hideous. I don't filter myself with him - he is the only, or one of the only, human beings to whom I feel comfortable saying what's on my mind. And I often put myself down, it's true. But when you're in one of those moods, you don't necessarily feel like being told every 2 seconds how gorgeous you are, yes/no? So I snapped, and told him he didn't need to say that just to make me feel better and he basically just walked out on me, which was really fantastic.
Then we talked afterwards and he was basically telling me that I was looking for attention, and that that was why I was with him - that he could be anyone. I basically just cried because (a) that is untrue, (b) even if it was, not just anyone is capable of loving me and (c) because he always remains so fucking distant when shit like that goes down. I'd still love him if he was completely indifferent to my person or if he brought me down constantly, and I told him that. Apparently, that isn't normal.
We made up, whatever. He said he'd always take care of me. Words like that - always, forever - always reek of bullshit. But I believe them anyways.
Seeing, though, as I don't see a time in the foreseeable future in which I could be comfortable with myself, I now feel forced to fake it. I don't want to be a whiny, dependent bitch, so I'll just keep that to myself. It doesn't help, either, that I don't even feel wanted when I'm with him, as he nearly always refuses physical intimacy (in general, let alone any fetishes I may have). But since I'd rather avoid any issues seeing as I care deeply for him, I keep my mouth shut. And it's hard. Especially when he makes it a point to have me constantly open up when he remains intact, even though I insist he talks to me. I always end up finding out later that he was angry or frustrated about something.
Then, today, after having a fucking terrible day thanks to work, I called him and he was raving about a pair of pants he made, which is really cool and all, but he's going to New York this weekend and because of work and et cetera I will only see him this Wednesday and then only a week later. We haven't been apart for more than three days since we've been together for three+ months, so naturally when I see him this week I'd like to make the most of it and spend time together. But in his ventures in clothing design he neglected his homework, which translates to Wednesday being him rushing his homework while I just stand around doing not shit.
But, you know, in finals week, I manage to work 20 hours a week and do work for seven courses and not have to spend my time with him doing homework. Oh, and I also found time to make art for him and shit. But it's whatever, you know. It's not like I asked him if he could do as much homework as possible in advance or anything - one of the few things I've actually asked him to do for me. It's cool, bro. Make yourself some harem pants that you have nothing to wear with anyways.
I think I just haven't smoked enough cigarettes today.
EDIT: also, what the fuck is this Lady Gaga song, "Hair"? http://youtu.be/Okq8xHrIZ8I