amour risible

625539's picture

A(nother) long, depressing, emotional rant - just what Oasis needs. Bear with me, my gay PMS is kicking in.

I've been feeling pathetic lately, likely due to the fact that I've been so involved with my boyfriend that I've neglected my friendships. Likely due to the fact that whenever someone shows me the least bit of kindness or compassion or love I cling to them. And I've been insecure as always.

I argued with the boyfriend this weekend. We were getting ready because my mother was to take pictures of us (as requested by his mother, who wanted a photo of us for her office) and, comparing myself to him I felt hideous. I don't filter myself with him - he is the only, or one of the only, human beings to whom I feel comfortable saying what's on my mind. And I often put myself down, it's true. But when you're in one of those moods, you don't necessarily feel like being told every 2 seconds how gorgeous you are, yes/no? So I snapped, and told him he didn't need to say that just to make me feel better and he basically just walked out on me, which was really fantastic.

Then we talked afterwards and he was basically telling me that I was looking for attention, and that that was why I was with him - that he could be anyone. I basically just cried because (a) that is untrue, (b) even if it was, not just anyone is capable of loving me and (c) because he always remains so fucking distant when shit like that goes down. I'd still love him if he was completely indifferent to my person or if he brought me down constantly, and I told him that. Apparently, that isn't normal.

We made up, whatever. He said he'd always take care of me. Words like that - always, forever - always reek of bullshit. But I believe them anyways.

Seeing, though, as I don't see a time in the foreseeable future in which I could be comfortable with myself, I now feel forced to fake it. I don't want to be a whiny, dependent bitch, so I'll just keep that to myself. It doesn't help, either, that I don't even feel wanted when I'm with him, as he nearly always refuses physical intimacy (in general, let alone any fetishes I may have). But since I'd rather avoid any issues seeing as I care deeply for him, I keep my mouth shut. And it's hard. Especially when he makes it a point to have me constantly open up when he remains intact, even though I insist he talks to me. I always end up finding out later that he was angry or frustrated about something.

Then, today, after having a fucking terrible day thanks to work, I called him and he was raving about a pair of pants he made, which is really cool and all, but he's going to New York this weekend and because of work and et cetera I will only see him this Wednesday and then only a week later. We haven't been apart for more than three days since we've been together for three+ months, so naturally when I see him this week I'd like to make the most of it and spend time together. But in his ventures in clothing design he neglected his homework, which translates to Wednesday being him rushing his homework while I just stand around doing not shit.

But, you know, in finals week, I manage to work 20 hours a week and do work for seven courses and not have to spend my time with him doing homework. Oh, and I also found time to make art for him and shit. But it's whatever, you know. It's not like I asked him if he could do as much homework as possible in advance or anything - one of the few things I've actually asked him to do for me. It's cool, bro. Make yourself some harem pants that you have nothing to wear with anyways.

I think I just haven't smoked enough cigarettes today.

EDIT: also, what the fuck is this Lady Gaga song, "Hair"? http://youtu.be/Okq8xHrIZ8I

Comments

Yamamoto's picture

.... I don't mean to sound

.... I don't mean to sound insenstive, but what is such a big problem with 'no physical intimacy'? I mean I don't really understand what is wrong with not having it... Kind of a question that keeps me up at night, and sorry if it seems like this is the wrong spot... I will move this question a differnt spot if people think I should...?

Warren3125's picture

Different people have

Different people have different needs, some need physical intimacy, some don't. It really all depends on the person.

625539's picture

In the general sense

In the general sense :
http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/news/20070801/why-people-have-sex...

http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/why-people-have-sex

I have posted about this here, also, in my reply to elph : the last line.
http://oasisjournals.com/2011/05/a-pathetic-journal

I am only interested in person-oriented sex. As beneficial, physically, that an orgasm can be, it is not my main motivation. I enjoy feeling wanted, dominated, being in a position of inferiority, having someone in my complete trust - something I cannot achieve without being in a romantic relationship. I find it's also good for my self-esteem.

There is nothing wrong, or right, about sex or lack thereof, unless it is non-consensual, pressured, or, in my opinion, used for social advantage. It's a fact of life, part of human biology.

I do not want this to end up in a 90 + comment discussion about if people should or shouldn't have sex. Yama, if you want more precisions on my personal sex life, I'd suggest you PM me to avoid having everyone start raging.

Yamamoto's picture

No I didn't want that...

No I didn't want that... just this simple answer was pently :) Thank you for taking the time to type it out, but Warren kind of answer it better in two sentances in a way that made me feel better about myself faster really :D Thanks Warren :D

ChrisH1551's picture

I WAS JUST LISTENING TO HAIR

I WAS JUST LISTENING TO HAIR WHEN I SAW YOU LINKED IT!
It's amazingness, because people call my hair "Gay" and "Queer" and she says "I am my hair" so, well, so am I.

Yamamoto's picture

*Pokes Chris's hair* Really

*Pokes Chris's hair* Really Chris... sinice when did your hair starting having sex with other hair of the same sex? LOL.... and how exactlly do you tell the sex of your hair anyway?... Does it have a hair penis or vagina on it?... Double LOL

625539's picture

http://www.youtube.com/watch?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QH8nyp3Ay94&feature=related
Government Hooker is (going to be) so much better, Hair could have been written by a 13 year old, in my opinion.

also i love how in "Born This Way" she presents her mom as being so supportive of her and making her feel like a superstar but in "Hair" she's like MMPH mom is repressing my identity COS OF MAH HAIRZ. Girl needs to make her mind up.

Warren3125's picture

duuude i fucking love

duuude i fucking love government hooker :D

Uncertain's picture

I think he needs you needing

I think he needs you needing him

625539's picture

and i need to need him. it

and i need to need him. it works well.