It's days like this that I feel depressed

swimmerguy's picture

But there is a solution.
My general solution is to come home, eat, look at conservative things and giggle about them, then masturbate.
Then I feel better.
And boy, do I know it worked today.

So, this morning I was goddamn fuckcock pissshit cockmaster tired, and I was all bleh going to school.
And by the way, when does your school end? Ours still has some weeks to go :P
Oh well.
And I was feelling bad about a lot of things, all the usual suspects, oh I'm lonely oh woe is me, I have nothing interesting in my life (and I don't), I'm sitting in a box with a bunch of imbeciles in it for almost 7 hours a day (and I do).
But, I should remember that as much as I hate things now, they will change, and so I should just try to keep sweet in the meantime.
My driving instructor is like "ah come on guys, you have great lives" and not in a really pretentious way, and I half agree with him.
I don't have to do a whole lot of work or anything.
But really, I would prefer my life be harder. What I really don't like are plans, because I just hate them, it's basically like I've already lived through whatever time period I'm planning through, I'd like to be in the Grand Canyon or something and just be like "I don't know what I'm going to do today, maybe I'll check around up there a little, or climb that hill and see if I can see anything interesting"
and basically just make things up as I go along.
I've always found that to be far better than planning things, or at least more fun. I didn't plan to get lost with my brother and rescued by helicopter, but that doesn't stop it from being probably one of the best experiences of my life.
And it was hard too. I'd rather not sit on my arse all day doing these inane "easy" things.

So, I got home, did my usual cure, and felt a lot better. I'll have a much larger degree of freedom in now, 10 months, when I turn 16, I'll have a car, and on weekends I'll be able to go wherever I want.
I'd like to go down to Seattle or something and roller blade or something interesting once in a while.
And when I get into college, I'll have more freedom than that.
And after college is when I'm really planning to do the interesting things I was hoping for. I want to get into trouble, maybe dangerous trouble, and I'll either get myself out of it, or I won't, but it'll be exciting nonetheless.

ANYWAY, I have a new least-favorite conservative Republican!
It used to be Newt Gingrich, but he's moved categories.
I categorize conservative Republicans into 3 categories:
1. the ones I like (this one is small) and includes people like Donald Trump that are just funny and that I like, even if they are conservative Republicans.
2. The ones that are unintentionally hilarious. Sarah Palin falls into this category, as now does Newt Gingrich. So does John Kyl, who immortalized the phrase "my remarks were not intended to be factual statements" :P
3. The ones I hate with all my heart, because they are serious, and incredibly boring and terrible.

Newt Gingrich sucks in so many ways, what with his "oh America is too secular" which I don't agree with, but it's fair, I guess.
But then he also likened those that wanted to build a mosque by Ground Zero to Nazis.
So it's like "Well thank you Newt Gingrich, you want more religion in America, but you want less of other religions in America. I wonder where you're going with this"
But I've decided that he's now going into the second unintentionally hilarious category, because of things like how he criticized the morals of Bill Clinton because of his affair, and then tried to impeach him, all while having an affair on his own wife.
Then he divorced his wife while she was in the hospital, married the mistress, then had another affair, divorced that mistress, then married his second mistress.
Also, his things about how he flip-flopped on the Libya issue than denied doing so after being shown video evidence about his flip-flopping.
That, with his calling the budget proposal "right wing social engineering" then retracting the comment when seeing what an uproar it caused, puts him in the hilarious category, meaning I no longer hate him, I just think he's a hilarious asshole.

So, my new least-favorite conservative is... Herman Cain!
It's mostly because he embodies every single stereotype I have about the traditional conservative Republican cockwad.
He wants to go back to the Gold Standard.
He's pro-life.
He wants to close the US-Mexico border.
He's against legalizing gay marriage and supports the Defense of Marriage Act (a huge strike)
He totally supports Israel in their fight to continue oppresion of the Palestinians.
And then this little gem from Wikipedia: "In an interview[47] with Christianity Today, Cain declared he would not consider appointing an individual of Muslim faith to a presidential cabinet or to a federal court. "No, I will not", he said. "And here’s why. There is this creeping attempt, there is this attempt to gradually ease Sharia law and the Muslim faith into our government. It does not belong in our government. This is what happened in Europe. And little by little, to try and be politically correct, they made this little change, they made this little change. And now they’ve got a social problem that they don’t know what to do with hardly.""

So basically, he embodies exactly what I hate about the Republican Party.
He's very tolerant (to the point of reverse racism) of blacks, Christians and Jews, but that's as far as he goes. Once you get to gays, Muslims, Atheists, etc., he turns quite literally evil.
And he uses his tolerance of blacks, Christians and Jews to assure himself that he's not intolerant in any way, that he's just trying to stop the Muslims from destroying societ, the gays from perverting God's laws, the Atheists from their heretics.
So he doesn't think he's being intolerant.
So, here's his Wiki page:

But my main beef with him is he's an incredibly boring, self-righteous and intolerant cockwad who would probably get massive boners from this, probably the most pretentious song I know:

It's fascinating. Oh, by the way, him and Michael Steele, I think, are probably literally like the only black Republicans in the world.


Just Dave's picture

I'm a gonna...

...say this as respectfully as I can, because I don't want to offend any conservatives or republicans or anything.

But it seems to me, that a lot of "conservative" stances on policies are taken out of what seems like fear. Fears like:

1)gay marriage will somehow negatively affect straight marriage.

1.5)gay marriage will have a "slippery slope" effect, and other legislation will be passed.

2)People are afraid that allowing more immigrants will hurt our economy.

3)Changes in healthcare will harm the quality of health care.

Basically, it seems that a lot of the time, conservatives are concerned with future perceived problems, while liberals focus on current ones.

God, I haven't thought about politics in forever.

Ambition15's picture

Totally agree!

I don't mean to offend anyone! But we have this kid in our gay club and he's very conservative,so we call him a closet democrat. ;) seriously how can you be gay and republican? I think it would be hard. ;) again no offense intended to anyone!

"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they attack you, then you win." -M. Gandhi

jeff's picture


I think it is probably too late, but conservatism (like communism) works well in theory. Reading Andrew Sullivan's book, The Conservative Soul, which I reviewed in Oasis a while back, I think you'd probably not have a problem identifying as conservative.

Of course, the label has been hijacked to such a degree, it's pretty much a lost cause.

"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." - Kurt Cobain

whateversexual_llama's picture

jeff i just want to hug you

jeff i just want to hug you right now..

lonewolf678's picture


I've heard a better version of that concerto on a tape entitled Guitar Festival. Try and find that, I think it's also on CD. I must warn you that it is long out-of-print.

I must also make the argument that most of Mozart's stuff is highly pretentious other than Bach. Plus Mozart could be a prick.

elph's picture


...the cellist is a real "looker!" Agreed?

I like the Brandenburg, but it's not my favorite by any means. Bach shines best in the instrumentation for his many cantatas.

In case you may not have noticed, this performance utilized all baroque instruments; all strings are gut.

lonewolf678's picture


Which cellist? And I think the Bassist is the "looker". ;-D

And yes I did recognize the strings weren't steel or nylon.

elph's picture

The cellist...

... is the rather short guy (3rd from the right) with somewhat curly hair!

lonewolf678's picture


I thought that person was a woman.

elph's picture


I must admit that that thought also crossed my mind...

I think there's much to be said for androgyny...

lonewolf678's picture


I'm often mistaken for a woman at a distance. It's quite flattering really. ;-D
I think my hair has alot to do with it.

ChrisH1551's picture

On a side note, not about polotics...

"...then masturbate".

Always makes a shitty day a little better. ^.^

Yamamoto's picture

I am going to agree that I

I am going to agree that I have to hate everything about that person except for the Iseral issue... I just think that they are way to big of pimps when it comes to there military that I just can't not support them... plus you obviously don't know your history if you thing that they are oppressing anybody... I am sorry, but what is going on, is actually the formly opressed, now finally holding power and being able to use it for once. I understand that you want to dystory the Jewish state, and if you make them pull back to pre Seven Day War borders dude that is what will happen. There defenses will fold like a knife through butter.