Purging like a cancer...

Yamamoto's picture

I know this is my second journal article for the day and guess what... I really don't give a flying fuck, becuase I am mad and have things that I need to say. I have gone back and read over a lot of my old writing and the few journal articles that I have written during my short time here at Oasis, I have realized that my homosexuallity is the source of all my problems. Like a mental cancer it is somthing that must be purged form me, or I must die trying. I don't care any more about what the possiable conquense could be to any future spouses or anything like that, or what could happen to myself form what I am sure I am going to be put through in order to get this out of me in any manner that I think will work... even it means putting on a shock coller and shocking myself every time I think about cute guys.... maybe behavioral threpy will save me there.

Anyway I have already talked to my mother and we are going to be spending lots of money over the summer on these various programs that will get rid of me being gay... or at least change my behavior so that I can have heterosexual relationships, becuase depsite how unfulling that may be... form what I can see any relatonship with a guy for me would just be worse... and personally I would say the rest of you where fooling yourself, but it is obvious I would be worng in saying that, becuase not everyone feels the same about themselves as I do...

I really am starting to believe that this will be the right thing to do, no matter what exterme I have to go to in order to get rid of this 'cancer' in my brain I think that I should do it... so I can just live a normal life like everyone else. :(

Comments

jeff's picture

Eh...

I don't play favorites. I have Photoshop, I'd just make it one pic.

---
"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." - Kurt Cobain

swimmerguy's picture

You are

Yamamoto's picture

Please don't... if you

Please don't... if you posting pictures in some vain attempt to save me... I only look at picture of people fursuiting... becuase that is the only thing I would ever dream of letting near egough to fuck me thank you very much, I don't care how creepy that sounds... :P

funnyflyby's picture

Dude! They! Are! Joking!

Liiiighten up a little!

I'm going to pretend this is in the Corrupted Wish Game. You say you wish to be straight.

Granted, but you're married to Rebecca Black, who constantly and loudly sings Friday. You'll be, like, about to have sex and Rebecca will yell 'WHICH SEAT SHOULD I TA-AKE?'

I'm delirious. But seriously, Friday and ex-gay programs are the only two things within immediate reach that could make your personality worse.

SO... when you end up with RB don't come cryin' to me!

(In my mind, RB stands for Regulus Black despite what I meant... but we all know Sirius Black was the gay one... This train of thought is going nowhere.)
Wow.woW

funnyflyby's picture

Dude! They! Are! Joking!

Liiiighten up a little!

I'm going to pretend this is in the Corrupted Wish Game. You say you wish to be straight.

Granted, but you're married to Rebecca Black, who constantly and loudly sings Friday. You'll be, like, about to have sex and Rebecca will yell 'WHICH SEAT SHOULD I TA-AKE?'

I'm delirious. But seriously, Friday and ex-gay programs are the only two things within immediate reach that could make your personality worse.

SO... when you end up with RB don't come cryin' to me!

(In my mind, RB stands for Regulus Black despite what I meant... but we all know Sirius Black was the gay one... This train of thought is going nowhere.)
Wow.woW

funnyflyby's picture

Dude! They! Are! Joking!

Liiiighten up a little!

I'm going to pretend this is in the Corrupted Wish Game. You say you wish to be straight.

Granted, but you're married to Rebecca Black, who constantly and loudly sings Friday. You'll be, like, about to have sex and Rebecca will yell 'WHICH SEAT SHOULD I TA-AKE?'

I'm delirious. But seriously, Friday and ex-gay programs are the only two things within immediate reach that could make your personality worse.

SO... when you end up with RB don't come cryin' to me!

(In my mind, RB stands for Regulus Black despite what I meant... but we all know Sirius Black was the gay one... This train of thought is going nowhere.)
Wow.woW

Dracofangxxx's picture

DOUBLE POST ALL THE WAY

IT'S STARTING TO LOOK LIKE A TRIPLE POST
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Amazingly offensive <3

Riku's picture

I am laughing way too hard at this

just so you know.

Dracofangxxx's picture

Awesome. Thanks :D

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Amazingly offensive <3

funnyflyby's picture

It had to be the nonsense comment, too.

Not even one of the actual arguments.

(And what, exactly, are you laughing at, Riku? Like which part? Because I can't tell if you mean Shelby's comment, my comment, or the 3x post.)

HEY, YAMADUDE!

IT'S FRIDAY, FRIDAY, GONNA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY!
EVERYBODY'S LOOKING FORWARD TO-THE WEEK-END!

I can practically feel my brain evaporating out my ears.
Wow.woW

Riku's picture

Mostly Shelby's comment. But

Mostly Shelby's comment. But the other stuff too. X3

funnyflyby's picture

AAAAAH!

I don't know how that happened :'P sorry.
Wow.woW

Yamamoto's picture

again..... I don't fucking

again..... I don't fucking have to take a joke if I don't want to.. especially in my journal where I am fucking trying to get help...

funnyflyby's picture

You're trying to get help?

And here I just thought you were stirring up drama. What do you want us to help you with, exactly? To me it seemed like you were casually informing us of your decision.

The only help anyone's offering is advice, which you stubbornly refuse to acknowledge.
Wow.woW

Yamamoto's picture

Don't you think the very

Don't you think the very fact that I type out and respond to everything means that I actually care about the advice... I mean if I wanted to stir up drama I have other ways to do that... I just want advice, but for me I have a hard time understand things so I always challege the advice so I can get as much info as possiable out of the advice given... I know it makes it seem like I am blocking you guys at every turn, but I am not... it is just my method and it helps ok... so I am sorry for any problems not knowing why I seem to whine and counter everything :(

funnyflyby's picture

Ai yi yi.

I don't even care anymore. Do whatever you want. I'll let them talk to you, if you are supposedly absorbing all their advice.

I need to fall asleep. Bye!

Just, if you do stay, do me a favor and don't comment on any of my journals.

Oh, and 43 Flyby points for the next person to provide a link to Friday. I do qualify for this, so you need to beat me.

And watch But I'm a Cheerleader.
Wow.woW

Yamamoto's picture

Trust me I will comment on

Trust me I will comment on every single one of your journals just for the lolz now that you have said that... I need a laugh every now and then :P

jeff's picture

Hmm...

---
"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." - Kurt Cobain

Yamamoto's picture

Fine guys... I will just do

Fine guys... I will just do what all you want me to do and just not waste my money on any of those programs... I mean it is obvious that is what you people want me to do. So it would be best not to sinice all the advice I ever get tells me not to, but that doesn't change how I feel about my homosexuallity... I still hate it, and acorreding to Fly I have a really bad and evil personaillity so I mean why should I even try to love myself in the fucking place... I mean there is really no point in trying all that love myself crap so that I can get a mate if my personaillity is so in the toliet that no one would want to be with me anyway :(

jeff's picture

Well...

I think the idea is that if you start loving yourself the personality changes. So, we're not bringing the gay to you where you are now. We're improving you to be worthy of the gay.

---
"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." - Kurt Cobain

Dracofangxxx's picture

LOL TO BE WORTHY OF THE GAY

JEFF I LOVE YOU SO HARD <3
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Amazingly offensive <3

funnyflyby's picture

I never said you were evil.

Just that you irritate the crap out of me.

That doesn't mean you won't find anyone. Shelby has a boyfriend, after all.

(Shelby, don't kill me, please.)

Ahh, you don't get it! If you love yourself and are accepting and stuff then your personality will automatically improve slightly.

And hey, maybe I should tell everybody not to comment on my journals! If they're all as stubborn and aggravating as you, I'll regularly be at Super Duck level comments!

THANKS!

Wow.woW

Dracofangxxx's picture

LOL why would I kill you

I irritate you when you act sort of like this!
So really you just dissed yourself ;)

Besides, when was the last time I bitched at you? A long while back XP

I mean, I'm not like this in person. I do more thinking rather than bitching. But if someone taunts me to, WATCH OUUUUUUUUUT :D
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Amazingly offensive <3

Yamamoto's picture

What do you mean by that?

What do you mean by that?

Yamamoto's picture

What do you mean by that?

What do you mean by that? How do I love myself?

ferrets's picture

by...

not hating things about yourself that you cant control? by looking at the posative aspects of yourself. by spending time around people you enjoy the company of. by showing goodwill twords others.doing good deeds. and many others. im sure it seems hard now, but you can get to the point.

"A loving man and woman in a committed relationship can marry. Dogs, no matter what their relationship, are not allowed to marry. How should society treat gays and lesbians in committed relationships? As dogs or as humans?"

Yamamoto's picture

What is there that I am

What is there that I am supposed to like about myself... I mean seriously I don't know anybody that can name one thing. I don't have anyone to hang around with that makes me feel good, becuase all the people that I call 'friends' are really people who don't consider themselves my friends, but they just hang around me and keep me company so they can be supportive people. I don't really know of anything I could go do in my commity that doesn't require alot of pyschial labor, which I am so pyschially weak that I am not equiped to do... I am seeing a doctor soon about my inability to stand up for a decent period of time without feel like I have to sit down becuase I am so tried. The only good thing about me, is that you can depend on me to hold open a door for you... and that is really about it :(

Riku's picture

There are more good things about you than that.

I promise.

Look harder.

Yamamoto's picture

If there is.... I don't know

If there is.... I don't know about them :( I mean it has been made obvious by a bunch of people on this site that I am not a good person and have a bad personaillity and I am a pyschopatic idiot, and I could keep going on and on really... :( So I don't see what there is about me to love.

Riku's picture

Okay first...

Listen to ferrets because he knows what he's talking about.

Second, people dislike your personality because A) You're prone to causing conflict and B) you're so adamant about hating yourself. Self-loathing is not an attractive trait.

But nobody has said that there's nothing good about you. I'm sure you have talents and skills, and that underneath all of that self-loathing and insecurity and doubt is a pretty fantastic person. You might have gotten yourself buried in all of that, but you have the means to escape.... It's like you're looking for a shovel but you're holding one.

Look at me getting all metaphorical and poetic and cheezy. Proof that this is way too late for me.

ferrets's picture

hmmm

if you refuse to acknwoledge good in yourself, you will be forever unhappy. you seem to be attempting to find a source of your problems. and youve targeted your homosexuality as that problem...but what if you eliminate that? i bet youll find that you will then be able to find something else as the root of all your issues. if you eliminate that? youll find somethign else. i think your tryign to find a root ofyour issues in a single thing you think you an fix, when everyone has issues. there is no single cuase for all your problems. the existance of the world automaticley spawns problems, not how you live your life in the world.

"A loving man and woman in a committed relationship can marry. Dogs, no matter what their relationship, are not allowed to marry. How should society treat gays and lesbians in committed relationships? As dogs or as humans?"

Yamamoto's picture

How can I ackownlegde any

How can I ackownlegde any good in myself when I can't find it. I mean I a turely bad person. I think that evil would be a good word to discribe it, and sometimes I like to call myself a evil villian in training :P....

Maybe you are right about the trying to find the root of my problems, but still I get the feeling if I can't come to love myself I am never going to get anywhere so maybe in truth that is the root of my problems :)

ferrets's picture

if your stuk in that mindset...

its a vicouse cycle. if you cant find good inyourself, you will hate yourself. if you hate yourself you wont find any good in yourself. you need to break the cycle. the cycle is probobley the real cuase of alot(not all tho) of your problems.

"A loving man and woman in a committed relationship can marry. Dogs, no matter what their relationship, are not allowed to marry. How should society treat gays and lesbians in committed relationships? As dogs or as humans?"

jeff's picture

Then flip the equation...

What is bad about you? And then start fixing those thing.

NOT being gay, only stuff you can actually change...

---
"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." - Kurt Cobain

Yamamoto's picture

Man for me to fix everything

Man for me to fix everything that is bad about me.... I think I wouldn't even be me afterward. The only think that would be same is the fact I am gay... :P I mean turst me when I say that I am that bad, and have no redemable traits... :(

That is why I am so deperate for a relationship and stuff, I guess becuase I need others to tell me what is good about and all that bullshit... if you understand what I mean by that. :( I guess depending on others for my happiness would be a better way to put it :(

jeff's picture

Umm...

So, if we changed everything about you, you would be gay, and completely adjusted, healthy, and friendly? Good, do that!

---
"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." - Kurt Cobain

Yamamoto's picture

But I kind of like some of

But I kind of like some of my personaillity... Though that part of me is not a trait to admire when it comes to socializing... and I would rather not say it here... but it is not a good trait, but it is one I really don't want to change :( In truth I have a lot of those, but for some reason still feel depressed :(

jeff's picture

If you like something...

keep it. Sounds like there's enough bad stuff to work on first... ;-)

Check that Byron Katie link, though. She even has videos on YouTube. It is easy to dismiss her, but I love her method. It seems too simple to work, but that's usually the only stuff that does...

---
"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." - Kurt Cobain

Yamamoto's picture

Dude... thanks for that :P I

Dude... thanks for that :P I think that there is somthing that I need to do now and I was doing it and realized that it needed to be put in a fresh jounral becuase it is somthing that equals fresh thinking on my part :D So I am going off to post that now :D

funnyflyby's picture

Side note: This is a serious matter-

yet for whatever reason I find it hilarious.

Haha.

It's not so much Yamadude's thing as it is the responses everyone's throwing around.

And... Okay, Jeff, you get Flyby points.

HAHA THISISFUNNYYYYYYYY

Now I feel like discrediting this post, because I don't want to be taken seriously:

I invented the Cheez-It, you know! It's true!

I invented them while singing Friday as a duet with Bill Clinton.

I love the bullshit my mind coughs up at 1:47 AM :)
Wow.woW

swimmerguy's picture

I say

This journal makes for a more entertaining read than the Republican Party Platform.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xt5ghXdq6Z0&safe_search=on

Yamamoto's picture

Please don't make fun of

Please don't make fun of me... :(

funnyflyby's picture

That's so truuuuuuue!

My pet walnut Sarah Palin disagrees. It thinks that the large amounts of cantaloupe thrown by members of the Republican Party Platform is hilarious.

>:D
Wow.woW

funnyflyby's picture

MY IPOD REALLY IS PSYCHIC

Friday just came up on Shuffle! Which is especially interesting as I didn't put it on my iPod.

I think I need to interrogate my brother about how this got on here.
Wow.woW

625539's picture

Yama is probably the only

Yama is probably the only person who gets more comments than Super Duck... lol

radiosilence95's picture

Shelby and Jeff are probably

Shelby and Jeff are probably the two funniest people on this website. Hahaha I love you guys.

On a more serious note, this drama is FUCKING RIDICULOUS!!!

Yamamoto's picture

Seriously if you don't like

Seriously if you don't like the drama then don't read it... this my method and place to find release so please leave me alone :(

Dracofangxxx's picture

My god, that is such a compliment!

Thank you!
*bow*
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Amazingly offensive <3

ChrisH1551's picture

If you ARE turning yourself

If you ARE turning yourself straight, which is utterly impossible, then what are you still doing on an LGBTQ Journal Site? You're dissing me, and my friends, which is in NO WAY acceptable. I think it best that you just leave, like, now.

Yamamoto's picture

You can't make me leave... I

You can't make me leave... I am not dissing anyone you asshole. I was just talking about a choice I wanted to make. I am asking you not to start another fight, becuase I don't want to fight with you ok... I mean seriously... just leave it alone, and don't be a bully.