Questioning and need help!

emmykate93's picture

Hello,
So this year I have been trying to listen to that nagging voice in the back of my mind. I'm sure we've all had that before. Well I was sick of it, so I confronted whatever it was that was bothering me. Since I was around 13 I have been somewhat atleast questionin my sexuality. My parents are very accepting and everything. But this year I started to maybe get feelings for a friend. I can't decide wether its a "friend" kind of love or more than friends kind. Nevertheless, I have had boyfriends and for some reason always ended the relationship because I never felt much. There was no "spark" I guess but when I think of it sometimes I feel like maybe I had minor feelings for them. I also question if that is because they made me feel more "normal" and less alone though. I get nauseous when I think of this girl with a guy, I'm very protective now, and get extremely anxious or sad when I think she is the least bit mad at me. What can I do to get over her atleast? And in your opinion if you have experienced this before, do you think I am more gay or straight? I just need SOMETHING to base my opinions on other than my own so I will take any advice!

Thanks!

emmykate93's picture

confusion

to make it less confusing haha I am a girl and I like a this friend maybe who is a girl

sfbutch's picture

Remember you aren't alone.

Hi emmykate93. One thing I do know, as a middle aged dyke: it helps to reach out to your community. I encourage you to reach out to people you feel close to, and to express yourself as you obviously do so well. Also ... I too remember being 13, sleeping over at my best friend's house and feeling very crushed out on her. I had to try dating a few boys myself to see that, overall, I didn't like it. For me, growing up was about finding those things out for myself. At times it scared me, the girl I was with, both of us or our families. That's why I hope you have friends in your life who you can talk to. Being able to confide in one accepting aunt made a life-or-death difference to me.
I'm lucky to be here in San Francisco, where I see men walking hand in hand. Tho there are still incidents of hate crimes here, I generally feel safe holding hands with a girlfriend. I almost always wanted to hold my ex's hand even if we were in Oklahoma or Belize. I would rather express my inner self and risk being hurt at times, than live a lie. I personally am skeptical of anyone who tells me to act straight, or in any way what to think or do. I think of sexual orientation as being on a scale, really, with some people all the way gay, some tilted towards gay, some in the middle... you get the idea. And I think people can move on the scale throughout their lives, depending on circumstances. But that's just my view, from my experience. Please write again if you feel the urge.

sfbutch's picture

PS:

I know you said your parents were accepting and so were/are mine, but there's a difference between being accepting a person's orientation and actually being someone you can relax and feel real and yourself with, someone you can kick it with and talk about anything. Hopefully parents are that, as well, but honestly? mine aren't. I have a community of people in my life that I can feel relaxed and at home with and also 3 I share my deeper feelings with.

emmykate93's picture

Parents

Yeah I actually confided in my mom, dad, and stepmom about it when I thought it was too dangerous for me to hold it inside any longer. I know that I am questioning still which is the problem because even though I am a bit ashamed that I like this friend I am very accepting and supportive of gays and honestly would accept it if I were homosexual. The thing that is killing me is not knowing, and I really dont think I am ready to explore as of now. Although I am accepting for some reason I am I guess judgemental of myself for this fact that I am questioning, so how can I expect others not to judge me if I am having trouble judging myself? So I have decided to wait a year or so when I leave my small town and go to college. Thanks for your advice it did make a difference.