The Apex of Loserdom

Super Duck's picture

I have a chemistry test tomorrow. Half of the class is gone. What is the point of this? You know what? Fuck chemistry. In fact, I drew Hitler on my chemistry notes today, because that is what I think of chemistry. I think he secretly invented it, or at least wrote my textbook. Also, not counting today, I haven't been to chemistry since last Wednesday. I'm not even sure what we're doing right now. And apparently, a BUNCH of shit was covered on Friday while a large portion of the class was at the AP test.

And in history, although we have ONE WEEK left of school, we are starting on AP American History. :| What? Please tell me this is some sort of sick joke.

I want to just be all like, "Fuck you guys. This is crap, and I'm going home!" but then they'd get all pissy...

So, yeah, basically I am currently going through a time of terrible lameness in basically every aspect of my life. I hate to bother you guys with this, but I just need to write this somewhere. I had this unsettling dream last night, and it's making me even lamer.

In my dream, I was standing in some public bathroom. I'm not entirely sure where it was. It looked a little like Walmart, maybe. I was at the sinks, looking at myself in the mirror. FCG walked in, and I stopped her to talk to her. But she didn't act (or even sound, come to think of it) like herself at all. She told me to go away and never to bother her again, or else her boyfriend was going to beat me up.

But that's not FCG. The FCG in the dream was like, the opposite of the real one. The real FCG wouldn't say that to me and is disgusted by the idea of a boyfriend. But the dream still made me feel all weird.

I'm planning on talking to her soon. I want to, at least. I'm really missing her... But for some reason, I feel nervous. I don't know why. I'm not going to say anything to her that's scary. I'm not even going to tell her how I feel right now; I need to sort out this random, inexplicable anxiety before I do anything.

I can't understand it. I've talked to her in person almost every day for 2 years, and that's not intimidating at all. I managed to get her phone number, but now I'm afraid to use it for some unfathomable reason, even though now I have to. This is FCG, my friend, the charmingly strange girl who loves having her hair touched and used to have a huge crush on my mom... What is this anxiety? I don't get it.

I know for a fact that she at least likes me as a friend because she absolutely refuses to talk to people she doesn't like. I know for a fact that she doesn't mind the idea of me calling/texting her because she willingly gave me her phone number when I asked. So what the hell, Super Duck? Why so lame?

It wasn't so bad at first, but then it amplified when I remembered this was exactly how I stopped talking to the last girl I liked. And that, along with the realization that I suck at everything involving other humans is making me feel even worse. I don't know, I feel exactly like my lame 14-year-old self again because I am seemingly unable to apply the indispensable "don't be a fucking loser about talking to girls" lesson I learned back then.

But I feel better after writing this. I'm so, so sorry. I know this is pathetic; I'll stop clogging the internets with my emo posts as soon as I can get myself to stop being lame and ridiculous and stupid. I just needed to put my thoughts somewhere, I guess.

I thought I might also add that today I went to French class for the first time since she left. Let me just say that I would have rather been in chemistry. Yes, CHEMISTRY. I felt worse than shit as I stared blankly at the empty seat to my right. I thought about FCG and wondered if she has thought about me at all since she left. But then, IG came in and made this TERRIBLE noise, causing me to jump and abandon my train of thought.

IG: WWAAAAAAuuUUUuuuuuugGGGHHHH! NOOOO
Me: AHHH WHAT
IG: No more FCG. :'(
Me: Y-Yeah. I'm... aware.

And then the newspaper lady bitched and bitched and bitched. She also got mad at my 11th grade friends and sent them all e-mails in which she called them... profane names... because they hadn't finished their work yet. Wow, menopause much? British Girl told me all about it today, and she was pretty pissed.

Anyway, I'm gonna go make a half-assed attempt at learning chemistry now. Did you know my chemistry grade is 14 points lower than every other grade I have except for English, which is higher than chemistry by 20 points? Douchebag Chemistry Teacher, this is for you:

Comments

Riku's picture

You can do it Super Duck!

You can do it Super Duck! You're awesometastic and you'll be able to call her. I understand the anxiety (believe me. Phone anxiety could very well be my life's story.) and it's yucky. It helps to not think about it first, when you call people you're anxious about calling. Thinking about it gives you time to freak out and get anxious but if you just call the moment you feel like calling it doesn't allow for as much anxiety to build up. At least that's how it is for me.

Sorry that school has been so sucky recently. :[ At least you'll get out for the summer soon.

*hugs*

And you don't have to apologize for writing about how you feel, that's what this site is for.

Super Duck's picture

I'm trying really hard not

I'm trying really hard not to think about it... But I'm still super scared for some reason.

radiosilence95's picture

Don't plan out your

Don't plan out your conversation word for word when you think about calling her. That just stresses you out even more. And the longer you wait, the more nervous you be. It's best, I think, to call her spur of the moment. Just dial her number incredibly fast so you won't have time to get nervous or second guess yourself. The less planning that goes into it, the better.

That comes from experience, by the way.

Super Duck's picture

I know... D: The longer I

I know... D: The longer I wait, the more I worry over it, which makes everything even more alsfjkdsljfd. But I feel this strange anxiety. So I'm stuck.

Anyway, I accidentally let my mom I know I was afraid of something, and she just made everything a thousand times worse by walking around the house exorcising the "demons of fear" from the area. :'(

funnyflyby's picture

Loving that picture.

Wow.woW

Super Duck's picture

It's pretty great!

It's pretty great!