MacAvity's picture

I thought she was doing okay, being back in her own house, which is what she wanted more than anything else. But apparently no. She hates not being allowed to go upstairs, and today she tried to beat one of her caregivers with a cane. Not that that would actually do much damage, weak as she is, but still... beating someone with a cane. She'll never be happy again - not if she won't leave her house and won't stay downstairs and won't let people help her; the only other option is slowly wasting away and starving and taking double doses of every medication every day (because she forgets that she's taken them the first time) and falling down and lying on the floor in a soiled diaper. I'm not even exaggerating - that's the state in which we found her a month ago. The only thing we haven't tried yet is putting her in a full-time nursing home - that's going to happen soon, but it's not going to work. It's just not going to work. Living self-sufficiently alone at home didn't work, living with her favorite relatives didn't work, living under safened conditions in her own beloved house didn't work even though it was obviously the best solution, a nursing home is most definitely not going to work.

All she wants is to die in her bedroom at home. But that's not going to happen - she's not dying. Her brain has atrophied away and her muscles have atrophied away and everything's deteriorated, yes, but none of that can kill her - her organs are all functioning well enough to keep her alive, provided she keeps eating. Starving to death is an awful way to go, and she wouldn't even do it voluntarily, wouldn't just lie in bed and decide 'I'm not getting up, I'm not getting food.' The only likely death for her is falling on the floor and not being able to get to the food. And that's awful. We can't let that happen and we won't let that happen, but we don't know what to do instead.

The caretakers will keep coming in for the next few days. Everyone hopes that Oma will let them help her and won't try to beat them with a cane anymore, but there's just no predicting.


lonewolf678's picture


I'm sorry you have to go through that. My grandmother has recently been going through a rough patch as well. she has; (possible) Cancer, near Liver Failure, Inabbility to walk, a fractured hip, and some sort of spinal cord issue. The cancer might be there but the doctors aren't sure, her Liver failure is the direct cause of taking pain relievers for far too long.

And her fractured hip and spinal cord issue stem from a fall she had awhile back, but she never mentioned the problems to the doctors. As disgusting as this may seem, I feel that this is just what starts happening when we get older and become more and more fragile. I wish there were a way for her to be "better" but I've accepted that she may very well be at the end.

Sorry for rambling about my grandmother. My family is also at a loss as what to do about her. I wanted to suggest making her as comfortable as possible and seeing her through. I hate to sound so pessimistic but she is in very bad shape and I can't see her getting better as everyone is promissing. They (doctors/family) shouldn't make promises they can't keep.

Sorry again for rambling. I just wanted to share, however that may constitute as said sharing.

radiosilence95's picture

This is gonna sound very morbid.

I think she needs to die. Ugh, I hated saying that. That made me sound so...insensitive. I'm sorry! D:

I just think that she's lived a full life, y'know? And she can't even take care of herself, and it sounds like she doesn't have much of a life. Like literally. So, I think that it will be a relief and a blessing for her when her time comes.

lonewolf678's picture

As morbid as this will sound.

I just want my grandmother to finally be at peace and be out of the horrible pain she's in. But I'm in no position to make a decision on who lives and who dies. Only Allah can decide on her behalf.

MacAvity's picture


I agree. Her time is past; she's stopped living. And yet she's stuck in a horrible state of ill health that isn't dying. A fatal stroke or heart attack now would be a blessing for her especially. But that's not what her body is doing. It's cruel.

My paternal grandmother died two and a half years ago, of a kindly stroke. Her brain and her body had both been going, but she had such a positive attitude all her life and it only intensified as her mind failed. To the very end, she was sweet and cheerful and smiling, even if she couldn't take care of herself or remember the people around her. Her death came at just the right time, and even though those close to her did miss her terribly, everyone can look back at her final times without much pain. She was... a perfect model of how to be old and die.

And Oma is pretty much the perfect model of how not to get old and die. It's sad.

Thanks for your support, you guys. It means a lot to me.