Super Duck's picture

I haven't felt like myself in a couple days. I think I'm sick... I feel like complete and utter shit, and I have for the past few days. My chest and stomach hurt, and last night so did the area around my eyes, but I think that's because I didn't sleep the night before. I'm tired all the time too, but next week there will be a few all-nighters to finish up my history homework and, if I have time, my summer reading books for English. If I don't have time, then I can just go on SparkNotes like I've done every year since 8th grade. I didn't do anything tiring at work yesterday, and all I did after that was buy some notebooks and such for school, but last night I was so worn down I didn't even want to get up off of my bed.

I've felt really bad on the inside too lately. I just feel so blah, and yesterday I cried the entire time I was driving to Walmart. Hell, I don't even know what I cried about. I'm like an emotional landmine; everything sets me off right now. I cried a couple days ago because I asked my mom where some meat was, and she yelled at me for being dumb. And then yesterday I was listening to this music and I started getting all teary."

I honestly can't think of a time I've felt this, well, shitty, just all out of nowhere. I've felt shitty lots of times before. But this is on, like, an entirely different plane. It's like I'm buried alive under piles and piles of shit, and there's no way out.

Oh, and my mom has a new boyfriend now. Well, an almost-boyfriend, apparently. Her boyfriends are always somehow majorly fucked up. I wonder what's wrong with this one! (Also, she's saying she didn't like her past boyfriends THAT much, but she was "in love" with the last one and "he was the one" after knowing him for 2 weeks. Hahaha, what the hell?) She won't shut up about him, though. Ugh. Just like all the other guys she's been obsessed with. Every single conversation turns into something about him.

I'm about to head out to my last day of work, but my grandpa will probably send me home early since it rained, and no one comes in when it has just rained. I'm gonna miss getting paid sooo badly. I feel really bad about leaving my grandpa with this huge order of stuff to put away, but he insists I have a free week before school starts, which, by the way, starts the very same day FCG moves away... Someone somewhere must be trolling me pretty hard.

FCG... There's the most wonderful picture of her on facebook. She has such pretty eyes. I'm not gonna lie, I think she is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. I wouldn't call her "hot" or "sexy" like I call every other girl I find attractive. She is in a group all her own. Beautiful...

I had a dream about her last night. I don't remember it very well, but I was touching her hair, just the way she likes. I think we were in French class again.

I'm scared. I'm scared that when she leaves she won't have time to talk to a very, very lame high school junior. Because, I mean, really, I am not that fantastic. And I'm scared I'll be all stupid and not talk to her and stuff like I've always done whenever someone I care about leaves. I hate how I do that. I can't handle the thought of doing that again.

On a more positive note, I'm going to buy some new shoes soon. I loved my purple Converse, but I've had them since my 15th birthday and worn them almost every day since so they are really falling apart. I'm going to get an entirely different kind of shoe this time, though. IG will be sad 'cause I won't be her Converse buddy anymore! (Speaking of IG, I haven't heard from her much this summer. I wonder what she's up to?)

I could technically buy any kind of shoe I wanted, but I still feel all cheap and don't want to buy an expensive kind. Hahaha, I'm such a loser... My mom is dragging me to Baton Rouge in a few days, so maybe I'll shop there. We only have, like, 2 shoe stores here, so I think I'll wait until we go there.

Anyway, I need to leave now so I'll stop typing.


radiosilence95's picture

The blah feeling you have is

The blah feeling you have is common among teens. We're all just a bunch of emotional, hormonally challenged kiddos. I go through these phases where I'll be happy for one week, then miserable the next.

Basically, it's totally natural, what you're going through. And it will pass eventually.

Super Duck's picture

Yeah I guess... It's just

Yeah I guess... It's just way more intense than it's ever been. I don't even have energy anymore.

loreonpravus's picture

You remind me of me. (This

You remind me of me. (This might be a compliment to some people and an insult to others, but to me it's just a statement of fact.) Except you're probably much more well-adjusted. But when I was reading that bit about FCG... I just wanted to give you a hug. *sniff*

It takes a certain type of girl to be "beautiful". It's not a word I use to describe many or much; from the sound of it, neither do you.

Super Duck's picture

I wouldn't call myself

I wouldn't call myself "well-adjusted," necessarily. Haha, well, at least not right now.

I don't use the word very often. There are only very few girls I can look at and think, "Wow, she is beautiful." And you know what's funny? They all remind me of FCG in at least some way...

loreonpravus's picture

FCG's just your type. Boom,

FCG's just your type. Boom, explanation =D

Quietwarrior's picture


i feel some of your pain at the moment as everybody i know is away or disappeared and boredom has fallen into depressed shit really. I wake up knowing my best friend is my laptop or yet another movie. Everybody i know literally is not in my city and feel really empty and not worthy of anything. I stare into space all the time which is not good at all as i just continue to think far to much and fall deeper into wasteful though.

Super Duck's picture

Yes, it's kind of like

Yes, it's kind of like that... If I think too much I feel way worse. I would rather just pretend nothing bad is happening.