i had my own epiphany yesterday. Well okay it was not religious but it was bold. After going to the cinema with my mum i was waiting in the cinema lobby while she was at the loo below. She was taking a while so i decided to look down the stairs to see if she was ever coming. And as i turned guess who appeared right at the end of the stairs. A guy that will be named A. Now A is my dream guy. He is just perfect to me. He dresses the best, better then me, has lovely auburn messy hair, pale skin, strong eyes, my height, skinny and just so arty. The annoying part he is 18 so 2 years older then me, though he does not look it much. But i have seen him sooo many times it is unreal, about 10 or 15 times in about a year and its strange how we always meet. Anyway back to me in the lobby. When i saw him my body suddenly just shocked up and I had to bit my lip so much to not burst into a massive grin. I turned to release my smile, because it got to much. Its strange how one person has so much dedication over you whilst being also so foreign to them. He then walked out of the cinema and was talking to someone outside on his phone and looked well happy. Then i saw two boys in the year above me, who probably had never spoken to him and then were talking to him and A giving them tickets to this event i think that was happening in the music venue underneath the cinema, where A had come out from when i first saw him. He looked friendly and the guys looked calm.
Later on at home it made me really think about how i felt about him. Whenever i hope or wish he will be at an event that i am going to or something, he never is. But like the cinema and almost all the other times i have seen him, he has been there. They say that love is unexpected so does that mean that i should not chase something that i don't know. That if the relationship or love is going to be true, then should i not devise plans to get what i want. I know that to be in a relationship in the first place, you have to work on it. But i don't know if i should just stop. As much as i love this guy, I know i will rarely ever speak to him or know him. So whats the point of putting myself through all of this mess and feeling completely self conscious when he is 6 feet away from me. As i looked at him outside last night i had a perfect distance. I could clearly see him and everything but he could not see me. But then it hit me that i have looked, analysed and dreamt so much of this one guy and meet him so many times, and he doesn't even know my name or probably for the matter identity. It was like i was looking at my favourite doll or my own celebrity.
I think the two man aspects of the problems i have endured with relationships is 1) I don't like camp gay guys which is the only type that is where i live and so i always have fallen for the straight guys who like female things like fashion, art but are masculine. Also i like quiet people and the small majority of gays that i have seen seem to want to be there own Oprah. Then 2) I have always been a romantic and always a dreamer. I always like to fantasise about how i would end with the guy and we would go to exhibitions and curl up on the sofa watching a movie.
But the minor epiphany happened because afterwards i felt little for A. I told myself whats the point of gushing over him so bad when there is nothing there. It is just thick air. Why should i allow myself to feel low when i should be allowed to be in a relationship who for once is actually gay and can notice me. I said to myself yes A is still hot but he is unavailable and made my horizon of it completely change, for the better.