I've just joined and I don't even know if this is the right place to post it, but I just want to get my feelings out.
I'm Jay and I (somewhat recently) came out of the 8month relationship with my ex-girlfriend in early january this year (2011). It was a beautiful relationship. I had always promised myself I wouldn't just give my heart away to anyone. I was annoyed by all the guys and girls in early highschool who got in relationships just so they could say they had a girl/boy friend in conversation . I believed, rightly, that a relationship was something special you only share with someone who you really care about and who cares about you too.
We were really happy together. We wrote each other cards and bourght each other presents on christmas and birthdays and aversaries. It was sweet. Her favourite flower was poppies. I really got on with her friends. I loved her parents and brother almost like family. It was everything a first relationship should be. I felt so close to her. But then 2 days after new years she called me up and told me it wasnt the same. I was really hurt and upset but I told her not to take it too hard on herself. I wasnt trying to admirable. I still loved her and I knew she would take it out on herself. I think she really appreciated me for who I was. I didnt want it to end but I knew it wasnt her fault. I really missed her though.. and her parents. It was hard, but I got through it. It would have been more difficult if we got physical like we were planning. We just got up to making out, and me feeling her up, and dry humping. It was great.
Anyways. After it ended I was lost for a while. But I knew I had to get good marks because I really want to be a doctor. I know i'm a compassionate person and I feel I want to dedicate my life to understanding and helping other people. So I distracted myself with study. MY friends helped me get through it. Particularly E and J. It was really great having that support. and from my family as well of course. I dont mean this to come across arrogant, but i'm a diligent person. I worked hard on my studies and was (and still am),getting very good marks. But I wasnt happy. Getting the career I want is just one tiny aspect of my life. Now that I tasted love, I wanted more. I wanted to spend late nights on the phone with someone again. I wanted to send cute text messages to someone who I loved before I went to sleep. I wanted to kiss someone again and feel the sexy wetness of their lips. It was like love was ecstacy and I was addicted (like that terrible ke$ha song.. oh god).
All through primary school and much of highschool people accused me of being gay. I always denied it. I matured and realised that homosexuality wasnt a bad thing. It saddens me when people say "Thats so gay" as if being gay is a disease or something. Even though I always denied it, I've grown up having thoughts about other guys. always lusty thoughts, never romantic love. Whereas I felt both with girls. anyways, breaking up with my ex made allowed me to comfront these feelings. One night a had a dream. I laugh at the thought of trying to explain it to you because it sounds kind of silly, but I know you'll understand. It was me and a large group of about 20 guys from my year at school. We were all naked and in a massive communal shower.. (I dont really know why.. I think we were at a camp or something). anyways, I remember looked over to my right and I saw him. this guy who shall be refered to as T.B. as they are his initials. He was naked like the rest. his soft brown eyes looked at me, just for a second. His shoft wavy dark brown hair was dripping down his tanned, athletic figure. Inevitably my eyes traveled down his body. It was the sexiest thing I had ever layed my eyes on. I remember making one single mental note to myself: "I want that. so much."
From that day foreward I finally was true to myself. I knew I was attracted to girls, but also had strong feelings about guys too. I cant explain why, but I fell in love with him. It was the very first time I felt strong romantic love about another male. It felt so good to be open with myself. I was so proud of myself. I was in love again. I could taste its sweet nectar. But something was missing. I could not express it. I hardly knew TB, although he was is in my school house and 2 of my classes. Also, I am convinced he is straight. To my knowledge, he has never had a girlfriend, so I suppose there is a chance he could be bisexual like me, or even gay. I mean, people looking at me wouldnt be inclined to think im gay/bi since i've had a girlfriend. I came out to my two closest friends, E and J. They were so supportive and I can share all of my thoughts with them.
But I feel lost in an ocean of obscurities. my emotions dont make sense to me anymore. I know I love TB so much, but I dont know what to do about it. He changed out of my business class and dropped bio, so I only see him in our house meetings and occasionally at lunchtimes. I hardly exchange a word with him since were in completely different social groups. I miss seeing him in biology. It was a treat learning about stuff that really fascinated me and also getting to glimpse his handsome smile every now and then;) I've read stories about guys being in love with their straight best friends. I suppose that would be harder. Being so close and yet not being able to say anything.
School is about to end. We only have 8 weeks left until final exams. After that, I, most likely, will not see him again. I dont even have him on facebook. I feel like leaving him a note in his locker near the end of school, not saying who I am, but telling him I love him. But that's not courageous at all. I'm just afraid how he would react if I did tell him. Is it cruel to tell him I love him, but not tell him who I am? I think so. He would leave highschool always with that thought.. "someone loved me.. but who?" it would torment him. above all, I want him to be happy. But at the same time, I hardly know him, so If I asked for a quiet word it would be weird. Perhaps I should anyways. I just cant bear the thought of him not knowing my feelings. I dont want to leave school without telling him. I dont know what I should do. I just want to do what will make my happiest.
Then there's the conundrum (love that word) of coming out. only my bestfriends know. my dad seems disgusted by homosexuality. all the time growing up he always said stuff like "when you have children" "when you find the right girl". I dont know how he would react if I told him that the partner I choose is not neccesarily going to be a girl. Our relationship has always been a bit disjointed as i've resisted doing more hetero things with him like tinkering with the car and fixing things. they just dont interest me. Id rather read a book or do something else. I'm sometimes not very patient with him as I sense he wouldnt accept me for who I am. But nothing obscures the fact that I am his son. Surely, if he really loved me, he'd accept me , no matter who I am?
I wish everyone didnt seek to classify people into sterotypes. Life isnt just one thing or another, everything is a spectrum. Just because a person classified themselves as right-handed doesnt mean they dont ever use their left hand. Its the same with bisexuality. Except we're more 'ambidextrous' when it comes to finding a partner;) my sexuality is such a minor aspect of me. I wish it wasnt such a big deal.
Then theres one more concern. What if what i'm going through is a phase? I've read about straight guys feeling attracted to other guys throughout puberty, but growing out of it. I've always felt attracted to other guys, not just TB, but i've never even kissed a guy before. my friends suggested that I go off and experiment before I come out, but I dont wanna rush it. as I said before, I wanna do it with someone who I actually care about. and I dont like the idea of being in a relationship with another guy without being truthful to my family.
I cant help but imagaining how amazing my life would be if TB was my boyfriend and we were going to the end-of-year formal together. If I was with him I wouldnt care what other people would think. For the sake of a tragic Harry Potter allusion, if I were to look in the mirror of erised, I would see me holding hands with TB smiling back at myself. Who has been through an experiance like mine? Does anyone have any advice or consolation? Shall I tell TB my true feelings, no matter his reaction? What is it like coming out to your family? And are any bisexual people out there that can tell me what its like to be in a relationship with a guy as opposed to being in one with a girl? In what ways is it different? I cant wait until I experiance it for the first time. I just wish that first time would be with TB<3 Thanks for reading this far;)