Im 20 and for the past year or so ive been worried over my sexuality. It all started after one day randomly thinking 'What if i was gay?', from there it started to develop into a much more serious question and wouldnt stop bothering me.
I had a girlfriend at the time, it was very messed up relationship, i got very hurt when we first broke up and we tried to make it work the second time but there was too much insecurity, i opened up to her about it and she helped me come to my senses at times. However, it became an issue between us because i wasnt happy with myself and i would worry about if i was turned on by her and silly things, and it just messed things up. I dont feel like i can hold a relationship until i know for sure!
So basically, ive led a completely straight life, i had never doubted my sexuality up until that point either. But now I've lost a sense of what really turns me on and wont accept just 'women have turned you on and you were happy so you aren't gay'. Part of me thinks its maybe an anxiety issue but the facts are:
- I believe im attracted to women, sexually and within a relationship.
- I have enjoyed sex with women.
- I constantly test myself in my head to see if the thought of a man turns me on, but i dont really know what im suppose to feel in return?
- I can find men attractive but dont feel like ive wanted to kiss them or anything.
- There is always a constant doubt in my mind, i cant be secure with just that answer.
I was happy with my sexuality until the thought came into my head, and now i cant seem to shift it, i understand you cant just get an answer straight away. But what signs would there be if i was attracted to men?
I understand maybe i could be bi-sexual, but wouldnt it be more clear? What should i be looking out for?
If you could share any of your experiences or ideas i would greatly appreciate it! I don't think i have a problem with being gay if the feelings were there but the constant questioning is tiring me out!
Thanks alot! x