Confused/Anxious over my sexuality

edward's picture

Hello everyone,

Im 20 and for the past year or so ive been worried over my sexuality. It all started after one day randomly thinking 'What if i was gay?', from there it started to develop into a much more serious question and wouldnt stop bothering me.

I had a girlfriend at the time, it was very messed up relationship, i got very hurt when we first broke up and we tried to make it work the second time but there was too much insecurity, i opened up to her about it and she helped me come to my senses at times. However, it became an issue between us because i wasnt happy with myself and i would worry about if i was turned on by her and silly things, and it just messed things up. I dont feel like i can hold a relationship until i know for sure!

So basically, ive led a completely straight life, i had never doubted my sexuality up until that point either. But now I've lost a sense of what really turns me on and wont accept just 'women have turned you on and you were happy so you aren't gay'. Part of me thinks its maybe an anxiety issue but the facts are:

- I believe im attracted to women, sexually and within a relationship.
- I have enjoyed sex with women.
- I constantly test myself in my head to see if the thought of a man turns me on, but i dont really know what im suppose to feel in return?
- I can find men attractive but dont feel like ive wanted to kiss them or anything.
- There is always a constant doubt in my mind, i cant be secure with just that answer.

I was happy with my sexuality until the thought came into my head, and now i cant seem to shift it, i understand you cant just get an answer straight away. But what signs would there be if i was attracted to men?

I understand maybe i could be bi-sexual, but wouldnt it be more clear? What should i be looking out for?

If you could share any of your experiences or ideas i would greatly appreciate it! I don't think i have a problem with being gay if the feelings were there but the constant questioning is tiring me out!

Thanks alot! x

jeff's picture


Normally, I usually say that straight people don't typically ask themselves if they are gay, but you may prove to be the exception. ;-)

Nothing you said seems to push you over into gay or bi land, really. And if you like girls, sex was fine, etc., seems like only bi is on offer right now.

The easiest thing, unless you have a gay friend who's up for experimenting, heh, would probably be to check out some gay porn and see if that does anything for you. Like Shakira said, dicks don't lie.

No reason to be stressed, though. If you need to settle on something, go bi. Then date whomever you please, all of which may be women. Sexuality labels are much easier to define in hindsight. So, stay open to whatever, if you date a girl, awesome. If you end up with a guy for a while, cool. It's not like you really need to choose now to move forward and, if you do, then bi gives you everything you need.

Sounds like you're questioning the question, which is a perpetual loop, since you're not questioning thoughts, feelings, experiences, why your friend gives you an erection, etc., which is usually the case.

Nothing you said so far brings it out of the realm of a mental argument with no physical, emotional, or factual underpinnings.

"Why be given a body if you have to keep it locked up in a case like a rare, rare fiddle?" - Katherine Mansfield

edward's picture

I mean ive watched gay porn

I mean ive watched gay porn to see if anything happens, and i dont feel like it does anything for me, compared to watching straight porn, women have turned me on.

You'd think that would be enough but i theres always a constant doubt, one day i can say wow i just had a horny dream with a girl in it and i enjoyed it but it wont be enough to convince me and make me go back to being a secure straight dude.

i find myself constantly watching out for things that may turn me on, testing myself visually with images of a man or a female. I don't feel like a i could secure with a girl because i would probably mess up the relationship because my head would be somewhere else.

I just wanna kind of know and that be that you know?

if theres something in there i wanna know so i can accept it and forget about the worrying!

thanks for your help btw x

jeff's picture


You don't find any guys attractive, gay porn doesn't do anything for you, women turn you on.

I hate to say it, but I think you're straight.

Ultimately, though, it isn't a light switch. (And even if it were...) If you like girls now, you're unlikely to go gay. You'd be bi. So, even if you dated girls now, that wouldn't be in defiance of your sexuality.

There seems to be no evidence aside from you wondering if you could be gay, based on nothing tangible, preventing you from happy, unblemished heterosexuality.

There is a larger life lesson here, though, which is you aren't really in control of everything, if anything. The notion that you land a good job, find a good woman, get a house, a nice car, 2.36 kids, and all this other stuff is not only a dream, but it's completely boring. People lose their jobs, their wife runs away with the Latino pool boy (and who can blame her?), your company goes under and you're unemployed. So, you're trying to solidify things in a world that is constantly in flux is sort of setting yourself up for failure.

What do you want today? If you could have sex with a guy or girl right now, which would it be? Good, pursue whatever one just entered your mind. Pop on your favorite song right now. It may not be your favorite in five years. But that has nothing to do with this moment. Enjoy it. If you eventually meet some guy who makes your dick hard, identify as bi and go for it. If that isn't the case today, meet girls who make your dick hard.

If you need to nail everything in your life down to move forward, you'll rarely be able to take a step. In 3 months, I will be unemployed, and at that time I am moving from San Francisco to New York City. I have no job there. No apartment. Few friends. It's an expensive move. But all I do now is prepare for the move. Then all I'll do is the move. Then I'll switch to building a life in NYC. I can't do any of these things in advance, nor predict how successful it will be. So, if I can't predict or affect the outcome, I just prevent myself from going down that path.

Short of sleeping with a gay friend willing to help you out, you need to let go and see where life takes you. If you're in SF, I may be hanging out this weekend with some free time, hehe. I won't enjoy it, of course, I just like helping people. ;-)

(He's over 18, people!)

"Why be given a body if you have to keep it locked up in a case like a rare, rare fiddle?" - Katherine Mansfield

ChrisH1551's picture

"gay or bi land" If gayland

"gay or bi land"
If gayland was a real place....x_x
~I don't need no fakes around me, all I want is you to be with I am...~

jeff's picture

It is...

Castro in SF
Capitol hill in Seattle
WeHo in L.A.
Boystown in Chicago
Provincetown, MA, err, all of it
Chelsea in NYC
etc, etc, etc

"Why be given a body if you have to keep it locked up in a case like a rare, rare fiddle?" - Katherine Mansfield