Decision Time

MetalHead77's picture

It is decision time. I have two options.

Live a lie my entire life to make my mother and grandmother happy, and keep everything in their perfect christian worlds perfect.

or,

I could be myself and live without fear, without lying every 10 seconds and without hating myself, but also without a family.

I think to myself I would be happier without a family but is it true? even if your family isn't the nicest isn't the most supportive or even doesn't like you, they are still your family and you will forever love them. so to live without them seems unbearable. but i am NOT going to pretend to be something I am not just because they see the world in black and white, and i see the whole color spectrum (rainbows (haha gay joke)).

Though a part of me is terrified. I'm terrified that I will continue lying until i start believing my own lies and I get lost in the imaginary me that i had created to begin with. It's scary to think how I could possibly be so out of control. Or so incredible happy.

And it scares me to death how it all could change with just a few words

"I Am Gay"

Comments

Warren3125's picture

Damn..

I couldn't imagine having a such a big decision.. damn. Stay strong man, do what you feel is right.

MetalHead77's picture

Thank you

luckily i have a special someone who is extremely helpful and is helping me a great deal through my rough times.

Dracofangxxx's picture

It really depends on how old you are, I think.

If you're worried that you're going to be kicked out, by all means, I believe you should keep lying to them. Better a gay who waited a while to be out than out on the streets, I think. Then when you're in a safe place, come out and be as proud as you can be.

Hold on to your gayness, but remember that your safety is the most important thing over anything.
-
That's redick!

SometimesY's picture

It does depend on age..

Shortly after I turned 18 I left my house. I came out to my parents when I was 13 and my dad was fine with it, but my mother was horrible. I can't even begin to describe her. She blamed her depression on me and all sorts of other bullshit. So I left. For months before that my gf's parents were telling me I should leave and move in with them but I waited. Hey, maybe it would get better. But it didn't. Eventually I moved out and I couldn't be happier.

It depends on how old you are, and if you have somewhere to go. If you won't get in legal trouble for leaving and have someplace to go, who knows! You may find that you're happier than you've ever been.

jeff's picture

Yeah...

Living a fictional life for the benefit of others isn't really a good plan, so just a matter of when you can get out of there safely and such.

---
"Why be given a body if you have to keep it locked up in a case like a rare, rare fiddle?" - Katherine Mansfield

MetalHead77's picture

I'm Hearing that a lot

I seem to be hearing that a lot. all my straight friends are saying wait and all my openly-gay friends say tell them. grrrr split advice lol

it all just makes my head spin in the end. though i do believe the safest option is the best option.

Thank you for your advice :)

jeff's picture

Well...

If all the people who never went through this give one answer, and everyone who's actually gone through this give another... I can't figure out where the split advice is? Now, if half the gays you ask said one thing or another, then sure, that's split advice. But, otherwise, why take advice from people who haven't gone through it?

When I'm planning a vacation, I get suggestions from people who have been at that location before. Otherwise, why would people who never went to Hawaii have any insight?

If you're 14, coming out at home could be unsafe. If you're 24, coming out to your family is entirely safe, since you're not (or shouldn't be) relying on them for a place to stay, income, paying for college, etc. So, safe is relative to other factors, no one option is the safe one.

Of course, I come from the school of thought that it's better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you're not.

So, to me "I could be myself and live without fear, without lying every 10 seconds and without hating myself, but also without a family" sounds like you're already doing this without what most people would consider to be a family. I mean, if you're not getting the benefit of calling these people family, why bother?

Of course, the flip side is that a lot of people are anti-gay when gay people are some mysterious other they don't know, and when someone likes you makes gay something tangible, they change. Not always, but it has happened.

---
"Why be given a body if you have to keep it locked up in a case like a rare, rare fiddle?" - Katherine Mansfield

MetalHead77's picture

I understand what your saying

I understand what your saying, but in all honesty just because people haven't gone through something doesn't mean they haven't witnessed it, or don't know anything on the subject.

take your metaphor for instance. your planning a vacation. If you ask a vacation planner what a good place to visit would be, and they give you their honest opinion, would you dismiss it because they haven't been there?

I wouldn't ask someone whom i don't know personally (about this specific matter)

Input is valuable in almost anything regardless of the source. and its the fact that they are viewing my situation from a different perspective that makes it so worth hearing. its not just about gay or straight but also about another's state of mind. and hearing what others think is important to me. so yes the advice was split. not precisely evenly in the way i said. but maybe 1 or 2 people said things differently.

But unfortunately I am 18 and yet still semi-dependent on my mother (father is a piece of shit) so I can move out but it would be hard to live elsewhere given other factors like work and school.

And I do know that most of the people I call "family" don't treat me as I believe I think I should. So it just makes things that much harder. I'm going to lose a lot no matter what happens. I'm just trying to see what I can gain.

jeff's picture

Well...

I actually would dismiss the advice of people who haven't been there. ;-)

To be fair, this only has one perspective: yours. We're all just procrastination.

You won't know the gains until after the loss, assuming there is any, btw.

---
"Why be given a body if you have to keep it locked up in a case like a rare, rare fiddle?" - Katherine Mansfield

MetalHead77's picture

Can you blame me?

I'm procrastinating because i don't know what to do and I'm scared as all hell. If I can figure out what to do and find confidence in my decision ill have nothing to be scared of.

jeff's picture

Well...

I just want to make sure you know it's procrastination. A lot of people turn this over for long periods of time, should I tell them? Should I not tell them? And then it switches to how should I tell them? Then what should I tell them? And they really get into this stuff being crucially important, and moving toward a goal, when in fact, it is often to delay moving forward.

And, in almost every case I recall, it never went according to plan anyway.

If you're ready to come out, you come out. That's pretty much it. Your mom will react however she reacts. And then you'll go from there based on how that happens. If you stall until after college or something, then that's easy, too, since there's nothing to think about for a few years...

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"Why be given a body if you have to keep it locked up in a case like a rare, rare fiddle?" - Katherine Mansfield