I am so nauseous right now.

Super Duck's picture

I just got back from visiting some relatives about 5 hours away. I like it there; it sucks less. There's one part of every trip I hate, though... Coming back. I don't even have a word for how I felt. I cried so hard when the landscape turned flat and ugly and familiar sights came into view. The sorry excuse for a mall, the dilapidated buildings, the empty fields... This is not my home. This will never be my home.

I can't make it 2 more years here. I can't. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm coming undone. Every day I spend here is a gigantic waste of my life. I wouldn't ever wish this town on anybody. I shouldn't have come back from the trip. I should've just stayed there. After all, how much do I really have to come back to?

I'm sorry, you guys. You don't want to read all this blathering. It's just whiny crap; I don't think I even say anything important in here. I just need to write it somewhere. I'm feeling like complete and utter shit right now. It doesn't help that school is starting tomorrow. Well, sort of. I have to go and get my schedule and stuff and stay until lunchtime. Then, on Wednesday, it starts for real.

I hate my school. I hate it with a fiery passion. I hate the stress, I hate the way I am treated, I hate most of the people there, I hate the monotony, I hate the sense of elitism some people there seem to ooze, I hate how most of the administration cares nothing for their students and only for money, I hate how it's what is trapping me in this town... I just hate it. Every single thing about it. I rarely even learn there. I just memorize shit that I forget in a couple weeks. In 10th grade, for example, the only time I truly learned anything was when I was working on newspaper stuff. I'm in the 11th grade, and I can count the number of good teachers I've had over the years on one hand. That is just sad no matter how you look at it.

I find that most of my important learning doesn't exactly happen in my school.

I dyed my hair. It's now a dark, rich brown, as opposed to the average, boring brown it naturally is. It is very nice with my green eyes. Unfortunately, my sister believes she is entitled to touch it and pull it whenever she pleases. I don't like anyone except FCG touching my hair.

FCG... She was the best thing about this town, and now she's not here anymore. Well, technically she is moving on Wednesday, but I won't even have a chance to see her before then. Why did I have to go and get so attached to her? I always knew this day would come.

I hate how I used to treat her like, 2 years ago, when I first met her. I already apologized to her about it a while back, and it's behind us and doesn't matter anymore, but I feel so terrible about it right now. I hate knowing that there was once a time during which I treated her like shit, when now I just wish I could kiss her goodbye before she goes.

Completely losing her is not an option. There is very little that is scarier to me than the idea of never talking to or seeing her again. It can't be like the last girl... I'm so scared about how things will turn out. FCG doesn't ignore me like that other girl did, though. At least not yet. It's up to me, and I am so afraid... She says no one will be able to talk to her on the first few days after she leaves, so I guess I have a couple days to pathetically work up the nerve to say something.

I am going to sleep soon. I have to be up early tomorrow, and I feel so fucking bad.


Splash's picture


On FCG: get her address and write her a love letter? Latest thing from the top of my head. :-/

I'm going to urge you, again, to look into anything you can that will enable you to get out of there/graduate/change schools as soon as humanly possible. I don't know if it's easy… or even possible... parents can be stubborn, for one thing! :-) But you're obviously miserable, and I worry about you if you stay there and keep being miserable.

*more hugs*

~~~ the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses ~ e e cummings ~~~

Super Duck's picture

Nah, I don't want to do

Nah, I don't want to do anything... drastic. Nothing with the potential to make her mad at me. I'm just gonna keep talking to her and hope she doesn't start ignoring me like the other girl did.

I do have one option, but it depends entirely on if my aunt and uncle are willing. I could go stay with them, if they'd let me. But I'm considering that one to be the absolute last resort because that is asking a lot and I don't want to bother anyone.