It can be a real pain having an obsession with fashion and thus having no money. I am a person with no job and about £5 allowance each week from my gran. This normally always is directed into buying fashion magazines. I read them as i have a deep love for visual imagination and prefer buying them in print then just seeing them online. Now the main direction these publications are trying to do is spend more and this will make you a better person. Therefore with the continuation of my boring state i have started to over think and become more attached to the internet. Most of all the time i do is fashion based as i enjoy it. i visit the key websites, go to blogs, look at streeetstyle, browse online shops, watch runway videos or documentaries, watch tv shows that have good fashion like sex and the city and Gossip girl and look at fashion forums circulated around my favourite models. But now i feel greed is growing deeper through me.
I enjoy buying clothes. When i buy something that i have lusted over and also get it at a cheaper rate i get a certain sense of achievement and feel more proud. I know its shallow but i do. But since i have no money directing my way unless i do household chores I then have to sponge off the parents. Now i am being honest i don't think i am a spoilt kid. My mum who buys it (since my dad has no interest in fashion or clothes whatsoever) is someone who loves clothes but not into fashion. My longing for clothes i think has definitely someway come from her. She has a bugling wardrobe and likes to dress up and be presentable. So we shop together most of the time and i am allowed to get stuff that she likes and normally i get more if were going somewhere special like london or abroad. i say again that i am not a spoilt kid a lot as nearly half of my wardrobe is pre owned or hand me downs from my brother who luckily is into fashion to, so i get some good stuff. There is stuff in my closet that my mum hates however mainly vintage stuff that i have bought myself with saving money. But at the moment i am really tired and frustrated at myself for having to always pester my mum and dad fro money. I don't want to do it and i feel guilty when i do. Plus it is summer so i need money a lot more now to do things that are worth it and i have a lot more time on my hands to go out.
Come september i will be looking for a job. Not that i like it though. I always remind myself that i will become more independent and of course be getting my own money but when i walk around town handing cvs to the shops i can tell some of the owners enjoy the fact of their position over mine. It bothers me as i can do nothing more but to respect them and wait under them. Its different in a high end shop and they cant say your not allowed to buy that or say who cant or can come in ( well unless you are a tramp ).
But the real frustration i have is that with being obsessed with fashion i feel that i have to buy a load of clothes, shoes and accessorises to make me an equal. I know i don't have to be like this but like i said before when i having something new and i feel fresh and stylish, its a big confident boost. But it feels now that its spiralling out of control. Not that i have any money addiction to retail, its the fact my thoughts keep saying i HAVE to get this and THEN get this and then i shout "BUT I HAVE NO MONEY!!!!!"
The quote of never wear the same thing twice rings a bell or two. That quote rigorously invades my fashion mind and thats whats making me miserable. Also i think looking at blogs is too. I look at these blogs and one guy who's name is "fashion whisper" has just so so soooo many clothes and i think he is only 16. I always shout at the screen how do you get all of this. He must be super rich and have an annual allowance the size of a small island. But then however if he did not have much clothes why would i visit.
Another point is whenever i go out with friends it's about spending and shopping. It can be great and like i said i like shopping with friends but i have asked to many times for what i deserve. Everyday money has to be the central point and tomorrow i meeting my friend finally after about 2 weeks apart but were going into town and so i will have to get money. Now she has a job and probably has a lot backed up so she can. But i don't and so tomorrow or today i have to persuade my mum or dad to lend me some. Though we are buying school stuff so it is needed but i thinking i am only going to get a dairy.
I feel this journal is a little bit messed up. I am trying hard to convey my thoughts onto here but it is harder said then done since i have lot. Everything seems not as simple as i wished. i feel vain writing this but i have blurted out more or less the truth.