Is it weird that I can't handle ANYONE touching any of my posessions without my permission? Like, if my mom comes in randomly and opens my closet I'm like ARRGH NO STOP IT even though there isn't really anything to hide in there. I don't want anyone opening drawers or touching anything on my desk, and it makes me seriously mad when it happens. I can't have anyone touching my phone or laptop or anything like that. I won't let anyone hold my sketchbook, either; they can only see the pictures I show to them. One time I even freaked out on FCG for opening my purse.
And I feel so bad when I touch other people's stuff, even if they say I can. Like, whenever I'd ask this girl in my history class last year if I could have a piece of gum, she'd say, "Sure, just get it out of my purse!" but I'd feel bad for going in her purse.
I dunno, my mom just opened my closet and I'm mad, even though she didn't even do anything to it. I don't understand this.
Anyway, I have a bunch of shit to do and can't get motivated. I have an article to write for the school newspaper. I have a book to finish, a play to see if I can finish, and then at least one more book to look on SparkNotes for. I have already started on my history homework, though. Guess what? There's a 3-chapter test the 4th day of school. Fuck you, Mrs. History Teacher.
I can't even drop out of AP History because that psycho teaches ALL 11th grade history classes. If I got out, then I'd just be in the easy class with her pissed off at me and giving me bad marks on everything. Sigh. Well, it's okay, I know there will be no winning in 11th grade anyway. I'll have to eat her shit regardless of what I do, so I guess I'll just stay in AP where she will be less mad and it will look better.
On top of that, I'm going out of town for the weekend. I have to finish all history homework by Tuesday morning and the books by Wednesday. But I just can't get motivated to do it. Every time I think about all the stuff I have to do, I'm just like... I don't know. Fuck, I hate this. I hate being stuck in a rut like this. There's nothing I can do about it, and I'm just stuck in this weird limbo of doing things I hate over and over and over and over again, day in and day out, with few things I like. It's like... Why even bother anymore, you know? I think a lot of it has to do with where I live. Everyone down here seems to hate their lives.
I've actually felt like this for years. Five years at the very least. But it gets worse the older I get, and I don't know how much more I can take before I just... snap. I don't know.
I don't know if maybe I'm just feeling like ass because FCG is gone, or because my mom is being extremely idiotic again (She's known some guy for a week and is already considering one day moving 7 hours away just for him), or because I'm not ready to be called stupid and worthless and immoral every day again by someone (Mrs. History Teacher) who gets paid to make 16-year-olds feel like shit... (I hate how self-righteous she is, and how she thinks she gets to call people who don't follow her religion immoral right to their faces. And if I'm so damn stupid how did I manage to even get into AP?)
I saved FCG's message from the other day, the one in which she said, "I love you" to me. I'm looking at it right now and it makes me feel a little better, but I still feel kind of shitty.
Anyway, I gotta go now. My mom spent all day talking to her boyfriend on the phone and now my sister and I are hungry so I said, "Why don't I drive us somewhere?" and my mom heard and now she thinks I'm buying her dinner too. Oops. Well, I guess I kind of have to now.