So maybe I never thought about this often or maybe I was always shutting it out of my mind. The past few days this thought has been in my mind and I simply cannot seem to rid myself of this thought. Sure, I've been fine before and so it is I've been fine after those things. But when I see examples in front of my eyes, I feel slightly depressed and hurt.
Now that I see through clearer sight in my early adulthood I'm noticing something I've never wanted to see and never wanted to really think about. It really hurts in some ways, and I don't know why it's affecting me now. Maybe I've finally wanted to confront this and I know I'm not ready. I just have no way to deal with this.
I could just forget about this and never think about it again, maybe I could write it all down here. Maybe I should stop all this beating-around-the-proverbial-bush shit. So I'll type it. I have no (real) father, sadly it seems to me. Sure I had a (biological) father (but that was long ago). The father figure I've had since my adoption was never really around.
It appears to me that his absence was enough for me to never question why he was never around much. Growing up, it was just my Mother, Sister and I. I know it doesn't sound so bad. But as time went on I would occasionally see a family and their children having fun and enjoying each other's company. I am envious of anyone with two parents.
Suffice it to say I do love my (adoptive) father but I think he's stopped caring about both my Sister and I. He seemingly doesn't even care to live anymore. He's changed so much, and he abuses himself to the point where he has really bad health and just can't wait for death to come. It hurts me so and I can't do anything.
I thought such a terrible thing yesterday. I wished I'd grown up in a different family (an actual family). And then I realized that I'd been holding that back for so long. I don't know how anyone reading this will ever see this the way I do. It saddens me so, I remember Christmas of 2009. It was one time when I felt that our family was really together.
I hold onto the memory of that night and I wish I could relive it once more. There was my Mother, (adoptive) Father and I watching tv in the livingroom talking and joking about the tv commercials. My Sister however was absent but that aspect didn't matter. I think what triggered all of this that I'm writing is that my (adoptive) Father is moving away from the city.
He's fallen on hard times and has decided to move to a town in the east to make some money. Sure before I would see him possibly thrice a month but now it will only be holidays I will see him. But what I fear is that now we will only grow farther apart. So yes I've had a(n) (adoptive) father but due to his absence I've only really known him as a friend.
I know it's terrible of me to question Allah's plan for my life but I can't help to want things to have turned out differently for my (adoptive) father. I just have no clue as to why at this point in my life it's affecting me on such a level. I even thought about getting myself a therapist, I've never thought I've needed therapy for anything. And for some reason I think I need that.
I don't know how to describe the way I feel, there isn't a word for it almost. Depressed is pretty good I suppose.