Hating Myself.

thatkidyouallknow's picture

Hi, I'm new here, so I'm just getting to understanding everything, so try and put up with me! I'm in my first year of high school, and its amazing. I love everything and everyone, I'm onne of the popular girls, so here comes my problem. I've always been a tomboy, i am more comfortable in guys clothes, always had guy best friends, always been one of the guys for that matter. So, in high school, we begin to come to terms witbh ourselves, right? Well, since 6th grade, I've noticed I'm Attracted to girls. But, you always hear that its just a phase or its experimenting, so I try to put it off as much as possible. Think of guys, have boyfriends, fall in love with a man and marry. But when I do that, I feel like I am a boy, and that I want to be a boy, with a gay relationship. And I look up to gay men. I'm an advocate for prop 8, I support all gays and my gay family members. And I, for no reasons am a homophobe towards lesbians. I don't know, I just, my mind is set for straight, but my heart wants a gay one, I just need to talk someone, anyone help?

ChrisH1551's picture

Well, there's this thing

Well, there's this thing called "Internalized Homophobia" where you basically feel hate to yourself, or to those around you, because of who you are. Maybe you're just having a hard time grasping the concept of being a lesbian, so you feel the need to bash others? I dunno, I've never been homophobic, and the only time I said that something was gay, I felt like throwing up. x_x
Have you ever thought of trans? I dunno, again, because I'm just gay, bu you said you like to be a man, so yeah. Not an expert xD
And Freshman Year was the best for me evar. Sophomore year, so far, fo me, sucks x_x
~I don't need no fakes around me, all I want is you to be with me...here I am...~

centerfielder08's picture

I understand where you're

I understand where you're coming from. I have had a lot of internalized homophobia in the past, and now a lot of internalized transphobia. I'm super accepting/tolerant of a person regardless of gender identity/expression and sexual orientation, but when its me...I feel intolerant and I can't accept myself. I don't know why it is.

But I feel like I can relate to you in many ways, to be honest.

me, I'm a sophomore in college. but yeah.

you can private message me if you want, we can always talk because i know it sucks being alone in this sorta stuff.

<3 keep hanging on in there. we're here for you.