I've spent the evening feeling irrationally listless and sensitive and it's pissing me off. I'd really like to get some guys' clothes but I can't realistically afford the prices of ordering off the internet, plus shipping to Canada, and I'm paranoid about sizing. that being said, I can't exactly ask my mum or my friends to go with me and look at guys' clothes (I've only one friend that I'd ask to go shopping with anyway, and she's sort of transphobic) and if I went on my own I'd have to ask the sales people and that would be equally if not more awkward, and even if I got past that awkward turtle hurtle, they'll likely say anything looks good even if it doesn't in order to make a sale. I don't know. If I ask my mum or friends really, they'll start assuming all sorts of things or think it a joke, because I do wear a lot of dresses because they're far more interesting than jeans and such and in the summer they're cooler. But I'd also like to own some nice guys' stuff, especially vintage shirts and some jeans for when fall starts and before I go off to England. I figure if there's anywhere I can present more genderqueer it'll be there, as no one will know me other than one guy from my school who I met at the orientation and one girl who I'm online acquaintances with and who saw me at a con but with whom I've never had real life interactions. that being said, it's not even as if I know if I'm "passing" (am quite happy to look rather androgynous or boyish or like a girlish boy, I'm certainly not going for manly mcboyface here) in the first place. I've done as much as I know to do, straight leg jeans, binder, men's or unisex loose shirt, hair tucked under my hoodie, running shoes, gotten rid of that hair up the sides of my face (is there a word for that?), but it's not as if I can look in a mirror and tell if it's doing anything. For all I know the binder doesn't do enough even under loose shirts and hoodies or my face is just the girliest thing ever created and if I tried to explain all of this to a friend they'd just laugh at me because I'd just look ridiculous in men’s' clothes... or... JFC, I can't even believe I'm typing this out. Hello, have a pagefull of my shameful insecurities.
And I finally agreed to go to the on-campus lgbtq group with my roommate (because Lord knows I’m not meeting anyone new at the other queer groups I'm a part of) and he's all unenthused because I'm not his almost-boyfriend and he wanted to go with him even though he volunteers at the times when the meetings happen. Not like my roommate's been bothering me to go with him for almost a year or anything.
If you were wondering, beets take a fucking long time to cook.
More book not-quite-reviews (I found better books about transfolk!) when I’m not all... whatever this is. Mrrgghh.