in which espresso vodka makes me a bit more candid than I expect

thoughtgoddess's picture

I've spent the evening feeling irrationally listless and sensitive and it's pissing me off. I'd really like to get some guys' clothes but I can't realistically afford the prices of ordering off the internet, plus shipping to Canada, and I'm paranoid about sizing. that being said, I can't exactly ask my mum or my friends to go with me and look at guys' clothes (I've only one friend that I'd ask to go shopping with anyway, and she's sort of transphobic) and if I went on my own I'd have to ask the sales people and that would be equally if not more awkward, and even if I got past that awkward turtle hurtle, they'll likely say anything looks good even if it doesn't in order to make a sale. I don't know. If I ask my mum or friends really, they'll start assuming all sorts of things or think it a joke, because I do wear a lot of dresses because they're far more interesting than jeans and such and in the summer they're cooler. But I'd also like to own some nice guys' stuff, especially vintage shirts and some jeans for when fall starts and before I go off to England. I figure if there's anywhere I can present more genderqueer it'll be there, as no one will know me other than one guy from my school who I met at the orientation and one girl who I'm online acquaintances with and who saw me at a con but with whom I've never had real life interactions. that being said, it's not even as if I know if I'm "passing" (am quite happy to look rather androgynous or boyish or like a girlish boy, I'm certainly not going for manly mcboyface here) in the first place. I've done as much as I know to do, straight leg jeans, binder, men's or unisex loose shirt, hair tucked under my hoodie, running shoes, gotten rid of that hair up the sides of my face (is there a word for that?), but it's not as if I can look in a mirror and tell if it's doing anything. For all I know the binder doesn't do enough even under loose shirts and hoodies or my face is just the girliest thing ever created and if I tried to explain all of this to a friend they'd just laugh at me because I'd just look ridiculous in men’s' clothes... or... JFC, I can't even believe I'm typing this out. Hello, have a pagefull of my shameful insecurities.

And I finally agreed to go to the on-campus lgbtq group with my roommate (because Lord knows I’m not meeting anyone new at the other queer groups I'm a part of) and he's all unenthused because I'm not his almost-boyfriend and he wanted to go with him even though he volunteers at the times when the meetings happen. Not like my roommate's been bothering me to go with him for almost a year or anything.

If you were wondering, beets take a fucking long time to cook.

More book not-quite-reviews (I found better books about transfolk!) when I’m not all... whatever this is. Mrrgghh.

Comments

MacAvity's picture

Hey

Guys' clothes are easy. As long as you've got money and a way to get to the shop, you really don't need anyone with you to shop for guys' clothes. Just go and try some stuff on and look in the mirror in the dressing room. I'm sure no one will think it's weird, either - plenty of girls dress like guys occasionally, some more than occasionally, even girls that are totally straight. Just... experiment. It'll be fine.

thoughtgoddess's picture

Ahaha, unfortunately I'm

Ahaha, unfortunately I'm pretty much completely blind --I can tell if someone's turned on a light, or if there's a wall in front of me-- so if I were to go to the shops on my own asking someone where the guy's stuff is located would have to happen, plus having someone to help with what colour or patern things are. I can pick out things I like no problem, but that does me no good without someone to describe the colour or patern or whatever. And looking in the mirror is out, natch. Eh, perhaps one day I'll have a tad more self-confidence interacting with strangers. Thanks for the comment nonetheless :)

MacAvity's picture

Oh -

Goodness, how do you type so well? And read?

thoughtgoddess's picture

I've got a text-to-speech

I've got a text-to-speech screenreading programme on my computer. And as for typing, I've just been doing it forever... I can't really remember not being able to type seventy words a minute or faster. Lots of sighted people can touch type as well. There's also braille, natch, but that's a fucktone of paper and production time and really not worth it outside of language courses and elevator buttons. :D