What's on My Mind?

cheese's picture

I'm not sure. i briefly thought about breaking up with my girlfriend today. And by briefly i mean like 2 periods (about two hours or so). but i feel bad. she's head over heels for me. i remember that stage, where you feel puppy love. and it's the greatest thing in the world. you THINK you're in love with that person. but you arent. and that stupid teenage brain (which i still have :D) tries to convince you that you are. you make yourself believe it. but in reality, you're just a child, you dont know any better. you dont even know what love IS. i am very aware of this. very. and sometimes i still let it get the best of me.
when christina an i were together, for example. i was so "in love" with her. i'd do anything for her. and dont get me wrong, i did love her (do actually, we still talk. and i think we might have something in the future in store for us lol.) but things just didnt work out right. i was too childish and i guess i kinda pushed her away a little, unintentionally. with my emotions, jealousy, and raw teenage horniness ;D. i have grown up quite a bit since we were together. and i now realize that what i felt for her was quite genuine. When i was with Veronica (3-4 years ago) i thought i loved her. i did. i ran away for the bitch. she then proceeded to cheat on me with some dick (literally -___-;). she said she loved me. but she didnt. and i didnt love her either. i dont even know why i did what i did.
Psh. i hate teenagers. and i hate being one. well, not HATE with a fiery passion. i just feel as if i have better things to do than be surrounded by hormone driven children. i want to be with the mature adults. and im not saying that for the things they get to do like most people my age. i want things to be serious. meh. im almost there. and i bet you when i get there, i'll hate it. you know, the cliche shit. :D
Erg. i get bagged on a lot cause my gf is 15. i dont really care though. two years BFD. :p funny thing is, i get bagged on too when i go for someone older. .-. People need to make up their damn minds. seriously.
I wonder if any of you have noticed that sometimes my grammar will be correct, but then in other sentences (even a few words later) i'll just stop. It's cause i get lazy, either that or i have a thought and i need to type it before i forget so grammar doesnt mean much. <- like right there. :D
Im starting to lose faith in love. Well, not so much maybe. I've always wanted pure love like Agape. You know, what the ancient greeks used to refer to pure, genuine love. Don't forget Eros. ;D. Passionate. Sex, basically. i love fucking you, but i dont love you. hah. i get a lot of that. well not sex. .____. i cant do one night stands. i get too attached. but yes, eros. i get a lot of it in the sense of i go out with people, and i find them attractive and all, but i cannot see myself falling in love for them. Basically what i have with Becky. I do love her. But it's Philia mixed with Eros. the balance between the two fluxuates. dunno if i spelled that right. sorry if i sound stupid ^^;
i might have deleted that last paragraph. idk yet. it feel it sounds too stupid. meh. i'll leave it :)
Do any of you even read my entries? Probably not. Not anymore*
maybe ive just been gone too long and i didnt make much of an impression when i used to be on everyday and post a lot so none of you remember me. :|
oh well.
hey i need some help on picking songs to get bass tabs for, any suggestions?


Dracofangxxx's picture

I remember you

But your judgement of love seems so skewed. You go on to say that teenagers don't know how to love and that it's all hormones, and then you're like "oh but my feelings for this chick were genuine"... Eh?

Anyways you seem to be awful angry against teenage girls, so I'm not sure why you're dating one. That's like a Nazi dating a Jew and then complaining that they're dating the thing they hate. So I think you at least need to think things out here. There might be more to the GF situation than just "I wanna break up with her because she's a teenager".
That's redick!

cheese's picture

For some reason ive always thought your name was Dragonfangxxx

Dunno why. XD
But amyways, i am a very complicated person. and i may have not explained myself as clearly as i wanted to. and my mind was in 5 different places yesterday. x3. things tend to not come out the way i want them to, they sound right in my head, but when the words come out they make no sense. :o.
i think what i was trying to say is that my mind seems to process things a little more logically than others my age or younger. it sounds like im putting myself above all others, or something self centered. i dont mean it like that though. im not entirely sure how to explain.
and about the younger gf thing, i wanted to give it a shot cause ive never explored that area before. and ive come to realize that i dont like it much. i feel it's awkward because she has yet to learn lessons i learned a while back. i'd rather be with someone older. i mean im not that childish. unless im pms-ing LOL

ranting :D

"i remember when you and me, how we used to be such good friends. wouldnt give me none, when all i wanted was some..."-jack johnson

swimmerguy's picture

I read your journals... :P

I just don't often comment cause I'm a selfish prick like that and I'm better at writing journals than commenting on them :P
But I've always liked you, I guess I haven't seen too much of you recently though...