"They try in vain our minds to chain" - Chumbawamba
I'm feeling interesting, especially since I'm feeling. I've felt numb recently and now I don't. It's nice. I cried yesterday for the first time in months. It was only for a few seconds, but it felt very good to be able to let that out.
Now to the topic of why I cried and the topic of this journal. Doubt.
I can't trust anyone or anything. I feel so alone, and so faltering in a world that requires me to stand and be strong, or else die. It's not that I don't want to trust anyone, or believe people are unworthy of trust. It's that I find myself unable to trust. I feel like I can't even trust God to help me. More on that another time.
I am Sister Aloysius. I have doubts. I have such doubts. I feel that I cannot trust anything to be true, nothing I know I actually know. Even if I feel certainty, it is an emotion, not a fact. For example, I am very strong and stubborn in my political beliefs. I will argue for hours on end, and although I am open-minded and willing to change my ideas, I need definite proof. But the reason for my stubbornness and tendency to argue isn't that I think I know everything, it isn't that I am certain. It is that I have such doubts. I doubt what I believe is true, I fear that what I believe is false, and so I must argue.
I desire to know things. I wish I could know everything. I wish I could know that my friends truly do love me. But in order to know, one must be able to trust. And I cannot trust anymore. The dragon is hungry. My doubt will not allow me to trust anything, even my dearest of friends, with the exception of perhaps one. I cannot even trust myself.
I can fight this doubt. But I fear I will lose.