I'm confused. Conflicted.
I've been thinking a lot about my good friend. We'll call him D.
I love him. And I feel such intense love. But I don't think it's romantic. Yet, whenever he holds me or even touches me, I feel so good, so warm, so safe. And my unconscious mind seems obsessed with him. I dream about him. I find myself thinking about him at strange times. But I don't want him in a romantic way, nor could I allow myself to want him in that way if I did. Because he's in love with my other good friend, intensely. And I sometimes feel jealous of her, but not because he's romantic with her, because he pays attention to her all the time and me some of the time. Which is stupid of me to be jealous, because he loves her in a different way than me (if he loves me at all, it'd be as a friend). And it drives me crazy. Because I know I love him, so, so much, he makes me so happy, but I don't know how to love him.
I feel so strange, so trapped, so confused. I hope to God he doesn't read this, because I'd hate for him to know that I could even possibly feel romantic about him. And, to make things even more confusing, I'm still madly in love with A. And the feelings about her and D are intersecting so much. I don't know what to do, how to handle this. I'm not used to feeling this way about people. I'm not used to feeling anything about people.
ברוך אתה ה' א‑לוהינו מלך העולם, שהחינו וקימנו והגענו לזמן הזה.
יְהִי רָצוֹן מִלְפָנֶיךָ ה' אֱ-לֹהֵינוּ וֵא-לֹהֵי אֲבוֹתֵינוּ, שֶתּוֹלִיכֵנוּ לְשָלוֹם וְתַצְעִידֵנוּ לְשָלוֹם. וְתִסְמְכֵנוּ לְשָלוֹם. וְתַדְרִיכֵנוּ לְשָלוֹם. וְתַגִיעֵנוּ לִמְחוֹז חֶפְצֵנוּ לְחַיִּים וּלְשִֹמְחָה וּלְשָלוֹם וְתַצִּילֵנוּ מִכַּף כָּל אוֹיֵב וְאוֹרֵב וְלִסְטִים וְחַיּוֹת רָעוֹת בַדֶּרֶךְ וּמִכָּל מִינֵי פּוּרְעָנִיּוֹת הַמִתְרַגְּשוֹת לָבוֹא לָעוֹלָם וְתִשְלַח בְּרָכָה בְּכָל מַעֲשֵֹה יָדֵינוּ, וְתִתְּנֵנוּ לְחֵן וּלְחֶסֶד וּלְרַחֲמִים בְעֵינֶיךָ וּבְעֵינֵי כָל רוֹאֵינוּ וְתִשְמַע קוֹל תַּחֲנוּנֵינוּ. כִּי אֵ-ל שוֹמֵעַ תְּפִלָּה וְתַחֲנוּן אָתָּה: בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה ה', שוֹמֵעַ תְּפִלָּה